(Closed) Help: Depressed Fiance (long)

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1566 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Im so sorry…what a tough situation!  I can only speak from my own past experience.  I married a man who sounds ALOT like your Fiance.  He was always unhappy with his job…hours/bosses/underpaid, ect. I agreed that he could quit his good paying job to get another lower paying job hoping that his mood at home would improve.  Of course it did not.  He never left the couch when he was home, watched tv almost every second he was not at work.  I did all the housework while working a much more stressful full time job.  We eventually had a baby (I was 33 at the time my baby was born).  You mentioned the atmosphere of the home and how it would be raising a child…things in our household went straight downhill.  I got almost no help from him with anything.  He always complained about being tired…he even cut his hours from work to work 4 days a week/6hrs a day(without asking me first!) while I went back to work full time.  When I was at work he would just sit on the couch and watch tv with the baby in the bassinet…he did nothing else.  Still he complained about being sooo tired.  It got to the point where he was always in a bad mood.  My daughter was about 2 months old when I first heard him call her a BITCH for not going to sleep/crying.  At that moment I decided I would not stay with this man.  I lived in a different state from all my family and friends (moved up there with him to be closer to his family when we got married).  I left him soon after.  When I asked for a divorce, he cried and begged me to stay..I had already made up my mind.  I would not let my little girl be raised in that environment.  I brought up counseling (for his depression/anger) but he said he would only go if I would stay.  No way! 

I don’t know if your Fiance will turn out like my ex but if your plan is to have children you must take them into consideration now.  Do you feel in your heart that his emotions will ever change?  Will a new job fix the problem?  I hope everything works out for you…sounds like you are a sweet, supportive person..good luck ((hugs))

Post # 4
33 posts
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think you are right to be concerned about how this is going to affect the rest of your life.  My fiance and I have both struggled with mental health issues at various points and it’s harder to be the “healthy” one sometimes than it is the one suffering.  If he is unwilling to even recognize that he has issues or to get help for them, unfortunately things aren’t just going to magically get better one day.  Or they might, but the second he has another bad situation it’s going to get bad again.  Have you let him know just how  bad this situation has become for you?  I know that you said he refuses to go to a doctor but I wonder if he would go if he knew that your relationship was really on the line.  

Post # 6
2017 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Okay, your Fiance sounds exactly like me. Or me several years ago.  But I’m not a pessimist, I’m more like you in that regard.  I can find a way to come back from any kind of adverse situation.  But I can absolutely relate to his feelings.  I have a really hard time dealing with every day stress. Forget about a bad job, a rude clerk or bad traffic could have ruined my day. I would be absolutely non-functional without medication.  Period.

He is definitely cliniclally depressed and needs medication, like yesterday.  Therapy too but the medication will be the step that will make him feel more in control and able to make decisions regardiing his life. And it will even him out and lift his mood. 

But if he’s resistant to that, as you say, you have a real problem.  Your cheery optimistic nature is not going to bring him up, no matter what you do.  No matter how much of the household burden you take on.  No matter how much you cheerlead. He will drag you down and you will eventually get depressed (there have been studies on this). It is very likely you will have to do something drastic to wake him up to the reality of his mental state.  Like prepare to leave him if he doesn’t do something to help himself.  That might be enough. But you have to be ready to do it, it cannot be a threat.

It’s not fair to make you live like this and he’s hurting you.  Make it very clear that you love him and you want to be with him but he’s pushing you away.  You obviously have a lot of patience and will do whatever it takes to stay in this relationship but you have done everything you could do.

Maybe just one or two therapy sessions can help you decide what your choices are at this point. But it sounds like planning a wedding on top of all this is just making things worse.  It is definitely not you, it’s him but unfortunately you cannot keep living like this.  Something will give eventually and it’s better to be proactive and have a plan, rather than reactive and wait for the relationship to implode completely. 

I sincerely wish you luck-I do know what you are going through and I’m very sorry.  But you have a difficult decision to make.

Post # 7
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Not much else to say, except I agree with the other bees who say your Fiance sounds clinically depressed, at least from my own experience with the disease. I also agree that it will not get better without meds. It’s really hard to get someone who refuses to admit they are clinically depressed to get help. I suspect it’s even harder for men because they are socialized to be strong breadwinners, to provide, to handle stress well, etc.

I agree with the PP that it may be time to consider doing something drastic to really “shock his system,” like you said.

Have you considered therapy for yourself at all to help you cope with the situation? I’ve found that regular therapy can do wonders for someone who is in a household with one or more people who refuse to seek help for their own issues. It might also give you some tools for dealing with his behavior and some perspective on the situation.

Good luck to you, OP!

Post # 8
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

My husband gave me an ultimatum before we got engaged. We had already beent together nearly six years at that point and he had seen me struggle to get my depression and anxiety under control for many years. He knew that I was smart and introspective and independent, but he also knew that what I was trying wasn’t working. He told me that he wanted to marry me, and that he would support me mentally and financially to get whatever help I needed, but that I needed to try to get help. What it came down to was that he loved me, but didn’t know if he could be with me forever if I couldn’t at least try to get better with the help of a professional. Five years later, we have been married three years. I saw a therapist for over a year and have tried several different medications wihth great results. I’m now seeing a naturopathic practitioner to wean off some of these meds so we can try to concieve.

Your will have a hard time seeing how his feelings affect others if he is like many other depressed people. He will be turned inward and possibly resigned to suffering. It will be hard for him to love other people because he isn’t able to love himself.

My father is clinically depressed and has talked about suicide for years. He refuses to get treatment and has had unsuccessful trials of medication before (imo, he never stuck with it for long enough, and it was also 8+ years ago). I know how frustrating it can be to deal with someone who won’t get help. My sisters and I finally staged an intervention and told him point blank how his actions were affecting us and how we would no longer tolerate certain behaviors. Unfortunately, he still hasn’t gotten treatment, but the very act of asserting our own feelings in the equation has made a difference for us.

So please don’t be afraid to speak up! You are a part of the relationship and you have a right to ask him to get treatment. It shouldn’t be emasculating for him to ask for help. If he is the type of person who always has to do things himself, it will be hard, but hopefully not impossible to convince him that help from a qualified professional will be the right way to lessen his burden.

First, he needs to know that seeing a therapist doesn’t mean he HAS to take medication. Second, he should know that taking medication doesn’t mean he will become a different person. Ironically, I only objected to taking meds before I was on them and the one time I tapered off them a few years ago– something about the depression itself makes me resistant to treating it. How strange! If his issue is with pharimcological treatment, tell him to think about it this way: if he had diabetes, would he feel bad taking insulin? If he had a vitamin D deficiency, would he feel guilty taking vitamin D? Taking antidepressants isn’t something to be looked down upon. Sure, it might be true that some people are too eager to self-medicate, but there is NOTHING WRONG with treating a legitimate medical problem with medical help. Once I started looking at taking my medication as like taking a supplement or a blood pressure drug– something I needed and something that helped, I quickly got over any resistance to it.

I also recommend The Seven Secrets to Making Marriage work as a reference book for how to help talk to each other about difficult conversational topics … it’s helped me a lot in understanding how we try to avoid difficult issues and how to get around that.


Good luck and PM me if you want to talk more!

Post # 9
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

Oh yeah, and please encourage him not to JUST get medication either. Therapy is a critical part of making medication a successful treatment. Sometimes it just takes being on meds a little while to get to the point where you CAN take steps to help yourself. 🙂

Post # 10
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I have been through something extremely similar.  I told my DH years ago that I loved him, but couldn’t marry him until he had gotten help and I could see that his depression wouldn’t define our marriage. Since we got married exactly a month ago today, obviously things got better. 🙂

I don’t have much time to write now, but PM me if you want and I will be happy to share my experience.

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