(Closed) Help! Destination Wedding vs. Mom

posted 9 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 17
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

YOU should do whatever YOU want to do. This is about you and your Fiance and no one else. If you are willing to have a big at home reception for your mother when you get back then I dont see an issue. 

Post # 18
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

I think you need to try to understand her perspective. You “don’t care” if your family is there – having the wedding in a particular place is more important to you. I’m sure you can see how that could sound hurtful to her.

It’s on you to patiently and sympathetically explain to her why you want to do it this way. Assuming that she should immediately understand and be on board is extremely unrealistic and a great way to ruin your relationship.

I think it would also be a good idea to discuss with her how to handle the at-home events. As a PP said, a shower isn’t really appropriate and she may be uncomfortable with that. If I were her I would also be uncomfortable hosting a “traditional” reception with white dress, first dances, etc. if the guests weren’t actually at the wedding. So it may help to solicit her advice on some of that.

Then again I’m one of those heretics who thinks that a wedding isn’t just about the couple, if it were just about the couple you’d elope.

Post # 20
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Hoot_owl:  Hey! I wanted to share what we have going on in our lives and tell you what we have done. And to tell you, that what is currently happening, isn’t “you”. It’s totally your mom.

Fiance and I are getting married on a Caribbean island. At first we were going to have a very tiny, Destination Wedding in an US city but that didn’t work out. We then went back to the idea we had before we got engaged…just us 2, in a tropical place. We felt so much relief and excitement. My parents (who are paying for most of it) were totally supportive.

It was FI’s mom.

At first she seemed supportive. She never said a word…just asked questions. At times she appeared excited, but now that isn’t the case. She flipped out on a recent family vacation and her true feelings were shown, by way of her sisters toward Fiance and I. We were stunned. Hurt. Offended. We were both sad but realized this was OUR wedding. Not hers. It’s not like Fiance is an only child and this will actually be his 2nd wedding (first one was big) so we now think it’s because she won’t be there. Boo-hoo for her. You cannot please them all.

Since then she has (weirdly) attempted to talk Fiance out of our wedding and telling him she doesn’t approve of me and never will.  This is the first we have heard of this. Frankly, we don’t care. Sure it’s not what we imagined but it’s how things are right now. We can’t let her bad attitude run us down. She also flat out lied and said she wouldn’t hold an after party for us unless we got married in our hometown. Hello…she suggested an after party when we started planning the first Destination Wedding. It’s all really weird!

So we decided, we wouldn’t speak to her until after we got married. That’s it. Things have been peaceful since.

I realize that may not work for you and your mom…I know you are really close to her. And I’m sorry. But please know this is her stuff and not you. Just let her have her feelings and have really good boundaries around it all.

Paris excites you. Listen to that inner voice. Your inner voice isn’t your mom’s inner voice. What is right for you, may not be her ideal. But it doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

 

Have a wonderful time!!! =)

Post # 21
Member
3423 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Not sure how I feel about this one.  I think it is odd that you take a family vacation and turn it into a Destination Wedding wedding.  Why don’t you just have a Destination Wedding wedding?  Some of your fam and friends have already said they would go, I assume you’ll need to have a reception for them in Paris.  You still have plenty of time and more people can come to your wedding if you chose to do that.

I’m not a fan of the I’m getting married in an awesome location but you’re not invited but you will be invited to give me gifts at a shower and reception.  Thanks…

You did say that you invited some people, did you invite all the people you intend to invite to your reception?

Post # 22
Member
1673 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@badabing88:  This exactly.  My mom isn’t thrilled we’re doing a Destination Wedding but she at least respects it (to our faces, at least).  I understand both sides, but how your mom is acting is really crappy. I’m sorry.

Post # 23
Member
3380 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@mrs_pudding_pop:  Thanks. The good news is, if she keeps up her current bad behavior, she simply won’t get an invite.

Post # 24
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m the minority as well, but I feel for your mom, especially since you claim you two are close.  I would be heartbroken if my daughter chose this route.  But, at the end, it’s your day, so do what you want.

Post # 25
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I can see the appeal of an intimate wedding in Paris; it would be incredibly romantic. 

But, while I agree your mom is being unfair and inconsiderate, I can understand her desire to share such an important event with family, friends, and everyone who loves and cares about you and your fiancé. And, having been unable to attend my cousins wedding on a cruise ship myself, because I couldn’t afford it, I admit feeling resentful and very hurt: and even now, several years and their divorce later, I’m still put off thinking about it, and I’m not one to hold a grudge at all. rationally, I KNOW it wasn’t personal, and I certainly wasn’t the only one excluded, but even knowing full well their decision to have a Destination Wedding was about THEM, what THEY wanted, it sucks to realize how little my being there mattered to them, when planning the event. BUT- they didn’t hold a reception or party or anything here at home, so the situation isn’t entirely the same.

Now, I want to point out what I think is the most important thing going on here. You’re obviously really hurt by your moms reaction to your decision to get married in Paris. Being estranged from your mother, perhaps the most important person in your life besides your Fiance, and your best friend, during this time leading up to your wedding is, at best a distraction and a hindrance to your ability to plan your dream wedding, and at worst: this might ruin your wedding, and you would resent her the rest of your life or second guess your decision and feel guilty, assuredly tarnishing the memory of your wedding day. 

This is such a difficult situation and I can definitely relate they our relationship with your mother. My mom and I were always best friends, but the last few years I’ve been nothing but a disappointment to her, and she always throws my faults in my face and gives me a guilt trip about all the ways she’s helped me over the years, all she’s done for me, and still does, and she uses her hold on me (for instance, I rent mMohamed from her and her husband and she’s constantly threatening to sell it if I dont obey her every wish) to manipulate me and get me to do what she wants. a year ago she surprised my five year old and I by telling us they were taking us to Disney world. Then she got mad at my on Christmas Day, and demanded I get on an anti depressant or we wouldn’t be going. I DID, and the trip was tentatively back on so long as I kept taking it. Everything was going good, until I mentioned seeing my ex best friend the she forced me to end my friendship with about 6 months prior, and without even letting me explain, she booked plane tickets for my sister and her, and the trip was cancelled. She couldn’t afford buying my son and I plane tickets even if she did change her mind. We were to have drove together. Later after I explained that i only saw her in court because I had been subpoenaed to testify, but it was too late. i guess my point is, even though site don’t agree with the way she’s been treating me lately, i desperately want to repair our relationship, and I would do anything to have prevented it getting this bad. I’m constantly trying to please her, and I do resent not being able to live my life the way I choose, fixing things with my mom and getting my “best friend” (meaning her) back is more important. Your mom is proud of you- i know my mom’s greatest wish is for me to find someone to share my life with- and she just wants to show off her beautiful daughter walking down the aisle, saying your vows and celebrating the moment when you’re declared man and wife (but not necessarily pronouncing you herself!) and sharing your first kiss as a married couple. she probably has hoped and dreamed of that day since the moment you were born, and I imagine she feels cheated by you not choosing to have a traditional wedding.

i guess you need to decide what’s more important to you….but maybe there’s another option: can you do both! Can you have your (wedding) cake and eat it too? What if you and your fiancé got married in Paris, but in secret, and have another ceremony at home. It would be sort of like a vow renewal, and it would solve everything: the delicate shower/gift/invitation to Destination Wedding awkwardness, and make your mom happy, repairing your relationship. Then you can plan your wedding together, and have a delicious secret to share with only your husband.

 

 

 

Post # 26
Member
1966 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

she is being very unfair. it is your wedding, not hers. she had her chance. now it’s your turn, and if you and your fiance want to marry in paris, go ahead and get married in paris

Post # 27
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m kinda with those posters who are on your mom’s side. I’m super close to my mom, and I know she has a whole list of traditions/things she wants to do on my wedding day. Do I want them all? No. But she’s the woman who raised me and she gets some leeway here. Also, I’m really close with my extended family and cannot imagine them not being there.  I kind of stand by the idea that weddings are about the couple, not necessarily for the couple. Does that make sense? They’re for everyone to witness and celebrate the love & commitment the couple are making to one another. 

 

That being said, I think you can still have your vision and make everyone happy. If this Destination Wedding is really, honestly, what you want, and you’re okay with not everyone being there, just talk to your mom. Find ways to work in at least some of the traditions your mom wants. You mention your brother won’t be able to come because of his kids–you seem okay with this, but does he care? I think I would be very upset if my sister planned a wedding she knew I wouldn’t be able to attend. 

 

I’m sorry, I really don’t mean to sound harsh. I do get that some people have a vision for how they want their day, and I think it’s important to go for that. But family is hands down the most important thing to me, so this would make me uncomfortable. 

 

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