Post # 1
Ladies I need help with this.
My SO and I have been discussing marraige sometime next year and arebvery happy about it. He asked me if he should speak to me Dad first and I said, No. But here is where is gets complicated…
My parents had a nasty divorce separating before I turned two. My Dad then moved in with my now Stepmother. It has been more than 30 years and Dad and Mom can be in the same room civily but SM stirs the pot and is very uncomfortable around my Mom and her family and has always hated that my Mom stays close to my Dads sister and her family. As a youngster I spent every other weekend w/ Dad and one night a week. SM caused Dad to become estranged from his sister when I was 8 and me when I was about 14. Things have never been the same between us.
He didnt help anything beyond basic child support and that stopped when I was 18. As in I put myself through college etc. He has always stayed close with my older sister but I have always felt like an afterthought. He regulary invites sister to dinner or events and assume that she would extend the invite to me.
SM didnt attend either of my graduation parties from college, and did nothing for my Police Academy Graduation or promotion. SM has always wanted to move further away from my sister and I, dreaming of moving to numerous far away locals. They built a house over the state line and my sister and I eventually bought houses nearby for the value and low crime rate. They had a tree planted in her back yard the day she moved in but have only come by my house once for 10 mins.
Over the course of their marraige they have become more and more secluded from friends and family and do not attend functions or family events. On occassion Dad attends without her.
When sister got married 10 years ago her husband didnt ask my Dad first. He proposed at my Moms house at a small birthday dinner for me which his parents attended. We were extactic and she called him right away to tell him and he was pissed. Their relationship hasnt been the same since. She has convinced my Dad not like my BILs family either whom we all love.
Sister says I should have my SO speak to Dad first to avoid a repeat of the BS. I disgree strongly. I also dont know if I want my Dad to walk me down the aisle but Sister says thats cruel. I love my Dad and I believe he loves me. But we are not close and it all feels fake. I dont plan on asking him to help pay for my wedding and see them as guests not hosts.
Lastly, SM finally got her wish and they are moving to Mexico this month.
Sorry for venting ladies. Im not trying to punish my Dad. Am I wrong??
Post # 2
I don’t think you’re wrong. I also have dad issues.. My FI did not ask him for his blessing.
My FI did ‘ask’ my stepdad for permission. He took him and my mom out for lunch and told them he was planning to propose to me and wanted them to be the first to know. I respected this because my parents are a huge part of my life and I am still very close to both of them. Also, my FI didn’t ask for their permission, he told them of his intentions.
If you do not have a relationship with your father that you would consider supportive or loving, I see no reason why he would need to be aware of your SOs intentions to propose, let alone be asked for permission. He can be as pissed as he wants to be, that’s his stuff…. If you feel such a strain on your relationship, you don’t owe him anything.
Post # 3
Thislittlepiggy: Who will walk you down the aisle? If your father is going to then I would suggest he ask him. I don’t have a relationship with my father either. My step father is the one who raised me since I was 2 and I consider him my father so when it came down to that time my FI asked him.
I would have him ask permission to whom ever you feel closest to and who plans on ‘giving you away’ at your wedding, just out of respect.
Post # 4
My husband never asked after he proposed he said he was going to ask my dad but only had a few house before he was going to ask me and when he had spoke to my dad he was telling him how busy his day was; so he never did. My parents have been married for 35 years though and im daddy’s little girl so my situation is a little different. I was/am kind of bummed that he never asked. But whats a girl to do?
i agree with PP as to having him ask whoever your closer to. its not always just because he’s your biological dad that you dont think of any other person as “your dad”.
Post # 5
- Wedding: April 2016 - The Centurian Palace
Thislittlepiggy: Don’t be sorry for venting. If I were you and your SO, I would go ahead and have him ask your father for your hand. Just because of what happened with your sister , I would want to avoid any further crap. BUT, I also agree with the PPs about asking your mother if you two decide not to go to your father.
As far as for not having him walk you down the aisle, I’m so sorry that you’re going to have to make that decision. But, it’s totally understandable. Like you said you’re “not trying to punish him”… but this is one of the most important days in your life, if the picture of your wedding day in your mind does not involve him giving you away SO BE IT. Do what’s going to make you happy. I hope and pray that everything works out with little to no drama for y’all. (Sadly you just can’t escape the drama with some folks)
Post # 6
My parents are divorced and so my FI asked my dad, my mom, and my sister because he is perfect lol. It was more just a respect, cute thing. We were getting married no matter what they said (but it was a non issue as they love him and knew we were already planning marrige).
Post # 7
I don’t think you’re wrong, and I honestly kid of hate this “tradition”.
I have a great relationship with my dad (and mom, for that matter). My SO didn’t ask my dad for permission to marry me- he didn’t need to. I’m an adult and not a piece of property. If it makes you uncomfortable, skip it- if he gets upset, that’s his issue.
Post # 8
Thislittlepiggy: My husband spoke to my parents together by telephone prior to proposing to me. It was very important to him that he get their approval first and he even said that if they had had any concerns he would not have proposed to me at that time. It meant the world to my parents that he did speak with them first. They’ll never forget it.
Post # 9
Getting permission is not needed at all. My fiance didn’t ask anyone and I didn’t expect or want him to. I think it’s a silly old tradition. As for walking you down the aisle you can have whoever you want, or nobody.
Post # 10
I wouldn’t ask his permission. I was EXTREMELY close to my grandfather since my parents died and my FI did not ask him. He said he was going to but he was too nervous. Unfortunantly my grandfather passed away the day after we got engaged and I never got a chance to tell him, so my FI was upset that he didn’t get to ask him. I had also asked him months ago what ne thought about getting married and he gave me his blessing. But our situation is very different and our relationship was not strained. If it was, I wouldn’t give it a second thought about him asking. If he wants to ask anyone it should be your mom, or whoever you are closest with.
Post # 11
Ladies thank you all for the in put. The most important people for him to consult would be my sister and BIL. But BIL actually introduced us, they have known each other for 20 years. my sister BIL and I are extremely close. My Mom and her family are all aware of his intentions and love him. I just havent told Dad yet. 🙁 we will probably not anounce it to the world until Thanksgiving.
I guess I will probably ask my Dad and Mom to walk me down the aisle.
Post # 12
Thislittlepiggy: my FI told my parents (separately as they are divorced) that he was going to propose and asked if they had any concerns or objections but he did NOT ask permission because he knew I would be pissed with him. I am also glad that he spoke to both my parents as I would also have been very cross if he’d only spoken to my dad, my mum is equally my parent.
I don’t agree with the idea of asking permission and especially in cases like yours where your dad has been less involved. I also think it’s fair enough and yiur choice if you don’t want him to walk you down the aisle, it doesn’t sound like he’s earnt the privileged of having such an important role in your wedding BUT make sure you are completely ok with the consequences of not having him walk yiu before you tell him he isn’t
Post # 13
Thislittlepiggy: First of all the “asking permission” thing is antiquated 🙂 While some like the tradition, we are grown women (people) and frankly he shouldn’t be asking permission from anyone but you.
That said, it was important for my FI to ask my dad (who I am close with) for his blessing which we both knew my father would give willingly. Permission? Not needed 🙂
Don’t do anything for the sake of your father’s feelings. Do something because it is important to you. Perhaps he should ask your mom for her blessing?
Post # 14
My dad and I have absolutly no big problems (a lot of small ones that come from my dad being one of the few people who can press all of my buttons at once, but that is a side issue) and my DH still didn’t ask. When we got engaged I was 26 and had not lived with my parents since I was 19. No blow out from my parents.
With your dad, I would be afraid that he would try to hold your engagment hostiage, as in your SO asks, and your dad requests something ridciulous prior to giving permision. I’m not sure, but if a parent who is not close would blow up at your sister, I would think he is emotionaly manipulative.
Post # 15
Thislittlepiggy: if you aren’t close to your dad, then no i wouldn’t see the need for your future FI to ask his blessing or permission. if he’s pissed, so be it. it’s not like you guys are bffs and then boom, he gets left out. i would have him tell your mom, and he can even tell your dad, but i don’t think he needs to ask permission at this point.