(Closed) Help! Disappointing first year of marriage. What to do?!

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

ella23:  Bad idea, trust me lol

Even when things cool down, he may get even more angrier because of some of the things you said/way you described him. Even though they don’t sound too harsh to you or us, he might be really offended if he sees it! Just my thoughts, though! Other’s may disagree!

Post # 18
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

It’s easy for me to say this as an outsider, but it doesn’t sound like this situation is going to work out for the long term.  I’d be worried that counseling, “working on the marriage” etc would just cut into the time that you could be finding a more appropriate partner while biological children are still an option.

 The difference in desire for children is a deal breaker.  You don’t want to talk a disabled man who doesn’t have the emotional stability to deal with his own divorce into having children.  Why is he going to pieces years after his divorce?  My husband is divorced.  We were dating during the divorce proceedings.  There were feelings that he’d disappointed his ex-inlaws, but never a regret or the lack of ability to deal with the paperwork or court stuff.  Additionally, if his illness is a mental illness, I’d be really afraid of him fathering my children between the genetic component and the possiblity of him withdrawing emotionally from the children as he has done with you.  I understand people make all sorts of reproductive choices with careful consideration as to their own or their partner’s mental health, I’m just saying that it would scare me personally.  My H works with children with mental illness and there’s such a strong genetic component.  It’s really hard for some mentally ill parents to parent under the best of circumstances, but depressed or addicted parent + difficult mentally ill child makes for a really tough situation. 

You haven’t had sex in 6 months as newlyweds.  It’s more than sex.  It’s the intimacy and feeling desired by your husband.  This sucks.  It could get better, but it could very well be the way things are.  I’m sure a lot of Bees will say he’s depressed.  He needs help.  You need to stick it out with him.  But you need a life too.  You signed on for 2 kids and a partner.  This man is not holding up his end of the bargain. 

Post # 19
Member
8919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

lisianthus:  I agree, especially this part: “I’d be worried that counseling, “working on the marriage” etc would just cut into the time that you could be finding a more appropriate partner while biological children are still an option.

OP, him agreeing to kids and then backing out could be grounds for anullment. It’s often classified as “fraud” which is crappy because who wants to accuse someone they love of fraud, but that’s what it’s considered. There was a celebrity anullment not too long ago that was for “fraud” and people were buzzing about possibilities and it turned out to be this exact situation. Some states have a “misunderstanding” cause, which this would fall under. Regardless of what it’s called, the law recognizes that having kids CAN BE a huge factor in the decision to get married, so misrepresentation about that is usually grounds for anullment. As long as the grounds are easy to demonstrate, anullments are usually a lot simpler than divorce. So that’s just something to keep in mind if you decide this married life is not what he represented it would be.

Post # 20
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

Even IF you got pregnant with him in this state, it would not be a pleasant process for you. And, do you really want to bring a child in this mess? So yeah, lots and lots need to be dealt with before that even happens IMO…trust me, you need your partner present when you have children and sounds as if he has checked out mentally and emotionally. 

Post # 21
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

OP, I think I remember you making another post about this bc the illness, age difference, etc sounds so familiar to me.  If you have, sorry that things haven’t gotten better since 🙁

When y’all talked about children in the past he probably didn’t feel his age as much as he does now after being sick for two years.  When he was in a good health, raising kids into his late 60’s might have seemed doable and now seems unimaginable, especially if he’s depressed.

Him changing his mind doesn’t make him a horrible person.  However, it does make him completely incompatible with what you want in life and one life is all we get.

 

Post # 22
Member
2160 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Seems like his illness has triggered a change of heart regarding having children.. He’s realized he’s not 30 anymore, or even 40 anymore.. and suddently the thought of having kids seems overwhelming and impossible, and not something he wants anymore. He’s probably feeling pretty bad about having let you down, and is becoming depressed about it and taking it out on you. If I were you I think I would sit down with him, tell him you love him and want him in your life but that you always wanted children, and that if he doesn’t then now’s the time to tell you, because it’s you dealbreaker (if it is your dealbreaker). I’m sorry 🙁 It’s a really rubbish situation for you both to be in 🙁

Post # 23
Member
9130 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Is he getting treatment for his depression?  That, on top of a protracted illness, can really torpedo one’s life.

Sorry you’re going through this <3  If he’s unwilling to seek treatment and counseling to work through these issues, I think you’d be totally justified in moving on and seeking the life you want / were promised.  I know that’s brutally hard too through.  Hugs!

Post # 24
Member
1081 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

ella23:  

 

NO!! please don’t.  It may not sound offensive to us or to you but he will not like  it.  It’s like showing him that you are talking about him behind his back…. 

 

How would you feel if he show you what he wrote on internet about you? 

Post # 26
Member
310 posts
Helper bee

ella23:  I am just so sorry you are going through this.  It all sounds so sad and it sounds like you’ve been amazing throughout it all.  I really admire your attitude and approach.  Usually I am super strongly in the “this marriage can be saved!” camp but with the biological children thing… this is a toughie.  I agree with the PP who suggested his illness made him realize he doesn’t want to start this all over.  I don’t think you should let him read your thread, but I do think you should have an open, honest, non-attacking conversation with him about how your marriage is strugging and how badly you want to find a way to make it work, and see if he thinks its possible he can come around.

we are here for you.  good luck ella.  xoxo

Post # 27
Member
10976 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

ella23:  

May I ask, what was the nature of his illness?  Some illnesses do have depression as a lingering effect.

ITA with the therapy suggestion.  He needs to see someone individually for the depression.  You would probably also benefit from couples’ counseling at some point, but the depression must be brought under control before anything else in his life can work.

If he’s not willing to go to therapy & work it, I honestly wouldn’t hold out much hope.

 

 

 

Post # 28
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Sorry to hear that…. but counselling once, counselling twice….. eeergh? It sounds like a temporary measure to relieve the stress/ anger/ disappointment. What was the reason he separated from his first wife? Even if he Does give you children will he be doting? Or will he be a middle – aged man whi solely wants his peace and quiet? I dont intend to upset you any further, but on the one hand I have a sister your age happily maried to someone her age and am concerned about your personal evolution and on the other hand I happen to babysit a toddler with a 50-year-old father and see how little he cares about his wife.

I know you love him but I dont think you deserve a man who has completed a specific circle in his life, probably doesnt want any more kids and shuts you out depending on his mood swings. You are young. Life is ahead of you.

Post # 29
Member
551 posts
Busy bee

Maybe I am cold and heartless, but I would just cut my losses and leave now. You are so young and can have everything you want in life still ahead of you. Life is too short to be unhappy. 

Post # 30
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

lisianthus:  “Additionally, if his illness is a mental illness, I’d be really afraid of him fathering my children between the genetic component…” Wow it’s pretty sad that in 2015 people are still so incredibly ignorant when it comes to mental health. So would you be “really afraid” of a man with any kind of health history fathering your child because of the genetic component, or is it just men with a history of depression? Mental health is a disease just like any other disease and fortunately there are effective treatment options. Unfortunately people continue to perpetuate the stigma associated with mental health and the majority of people suffering from mental health issues won’t seek help for fear of being judged and labelled by people like you. It’s shocking that you are married to a man that works with children who have mental health issues and you continue to be so narrow minded! 

 

The topic ‘Help! Disappointing first year of marriage. What to do?!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors