(Closed) Help! Do I just need to suck it up?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

No you are not making too much of it. 

You have a history of depression and even if you didnt, a situation like you are in does cause many people to be depressed.

You have the right to see a counselor if you want and its really sad that your Fiance doesnt support you in that. I would go anyway.

 

Post # 4
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee

You aren’t a bad or weak person for wanting professional help, so tell your Fiance while it’s great he dealt with his problems on his own, you need the extra support especially since you are living in a different country and don’t have any close friends or family nearby. Being unemployed in a different country SUCKS – I did it during a Scottish winter and felt really depressed the whole time! Getting a new job made all the difference, it really is so important so as much as you can I’d put your energy into trying to make that happen even if it’s not a very exciting job. Ask your Fiance if he would mind spending a bit of money on crafty things that would make you feel better. I quit the gym when I lost my job to save money but not exercising (remember, Scottish winter – no outdoors sports for me) made me MISERABLE so my Darling Husband (then BF) put up the money for my gym membership – made me AND him much happier. I slept better, my sex drive improved, I had more energy, etc. I’m sure you would feel the same if you were able to do some of the things that are important to you. Good luck, it’s not easy but don’t let him tell you what you need to deal with it, only you can decide and it might take time to find the right path for you but you’ll get there 🙂

Post # 5
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m sorry.  You lost me at “my Fiance doesn’t think I should go to therapy and makes me feel bad about it.”

My stance is basically that if your significant other is making you feel bad for wanting to be a healthier, happier you, then the relationship itself needs to be reevaluated.

You are not making a big deal out of this.  If you think you need therapy, you do.  Even happy, healthy people benefit from therapy.  Try explaining that you going to therapy is not about him, it’s not because you can’t talk to him, it’s because you have a history of depression and anxiety that needs to be treated.  Just like any other chronic health issue. He can’t fix everything for you, and no one can be responsible for someone else’s happiness. 

Would he make you feel bad if you needed allergy shots?  OB care for preganancy?  Of course not- he’s not any more qualified to “make you happy,” (overcome depression), than he would be to treat other ailments. 

His job is to be supportive of your happiness, not to create it.

Post # 6
Member
46590 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you don’t care for yourself, you won’t be able to care for anyone else.

Get thee to a doctor and/or a counsellor asap.

Also try to get out of the house every day. Are there any volunteer opportunities where you live? Community centers? classes you would like to take.

Your depression will worsen if you stay at home alone too much of the time.

Post # 7
Member
9667 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

You don’t have to suck it up! Therapy helps a lot! I just got ‘diagnosed’ for depression today, I went to my doctor, got a prescription for antidepressants, and straight away (within an hour) went to a psychiatrist. They help so much, even just having someone to talk to who will treat your feelings as valid helps. Your Fiance needs to understand it is not your/his fault, that you need the help to get better. My psychiatrist said to me that it is absolutely treatable, that it will take time, but no matter how dark you’re feeling it can and will get better with proper treatment. Both antidepressants and therapy are necessary. I also do not really have a life outside of my Fiance besides uni and work, (although work I have missed a lot of, and will be missing more of because of depression), so I am in almost the exact same boat! Please PM me if you need to talk, you are not alone!

Post # 8
Member
9667 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@julies1949:  i have to disagree, getting yourself out of the house and ‘doing things’ doesn’t really help many people. some people yes, they feel better going to work, and doing other things, but many (myself included) just feel too run down to be able to cope with things, and often going to work or volunteering can even make it worse, especially if you stuff up something even minor. 

OP, a support system is a must, it is good your Fiance is supportive of you, but he can’t fix depression on his own. Have you talked to family about your situation? Maybe they can be there for you too

Post # 9
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Where do you live? I  suggest that you see a social worker who does counseling, here in the United States they are called LISW’s.  They are cheaper. Just because someone else can pull themesleves out of depression by themselves doesn’t mean that another person can. Everyone is different. Honestly if you moved me to a different country and locked me in a house I would be depressed too. In fact I was slightly depressed when I moved two hours south of where I grew up!

So no you are not overreacting. Seek help, and a lot of times you can find free mental health counseling at a free clinic. If you tell me where you live I might be able to find you something. 

 

Post # 10
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Moving is always hard.  Moving to another country is particularly hard.  Like everyone else, I strongly encourage you to seek professional help.  Therapy isn’t for everyone, and maybe your partner is one of those people so he doesn’t understand why you’d want/need it.  Explain to him that you have a  history of depression.  This is a serious issue. 

Since you made the comment that you missed having a girlfriend and that you felt worthless, I’m going to disagree with the pp and suggest like Jules1949, that you seek outside activities, such as volunteering.  You do need a support system, and it’s awfully difficult to create one if you don’t work and aren’t involved in anything, especially in a foreign country.  For me, volunteering makes me feel like I’m part of something and like I’m making a contribuation to society.  I’ve also found that most people who do volunteer work are friendly, compassionate and generous individuals- all very desirable traits for a person in a support system.  Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@maymorganite:  Obviously I don’t know the whole story, but he could be feeling guilty that you’re miserable there.  My fiance and I had a big fight once upon a time because I was feeling really miserable and lonely after moving to a new place to be with him- I didn’t have a job or friends or a whole lot of money to spend either.  He knew I was miserable, couldn’t do anything about it and felt like I was pulling out of the relationship.  It made him very defensive.  Talk to him.  🙂

Post # 12
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@maymorganite:  

Fiance and I had the same fight. Specifically- “Why do you want to go pay to talk to some stranger when you won’t even talk to me?!”

I understood his point, but I had to explain that I needed someone to help me sort out what to even talk about before I could talk to him.  Pretty much, he was afraid that a therapist’s answer to my unhappiness would be for me to leave him.  Once we got that taken care of (i.e., I wanted to see a therapist so that I wouldn’t just give up on our relationship), he lightened up about it.

 

Post # 15
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I agree with Julie; you need to get out of the house.  VOlunteer, help at a Church. If you can’t see a therapist then go talk to a priest!  Where do you live?  There depression helplines you can call and I am sure that a hospital would have access to free resources for you.

 

Id rather spend 90 minutes on a bus then sit in the house all day long.

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