Post # 1
A very close friend of mine is engaged and I do not think he is ready for marriage. I’m gonig to have a good talk with him soon to figure out exactly where his head is at. He comes to me a lot and from things he’s said lately, I know he isn’t ready to get married. I’m worried. He’s been with his fiance for a few years now, she was “saving herself” for marriage and ended up giving that up to him last year. At about the exact time that happened, she was posting all sorts of wedding and BABY things on pinterest! and she bought a wedding dress and kept showing him engagement rings that she wanted!! This was all at a time he was saying he wasn’t ready to get married.
He did propose, and I think it was only because she was pressuring him so much. I think he’s also worried he will get her pregnant, she won’t take birth control and she brings alcohol over and when he’s drunk (she stays sober) she takes full advantage to the point she could easily get pregnant even though there is no way they could financially take care of a baby. He’s an alcoholic and instead of trying to help him overcome that she brings him alcohol. They both still live with their parents and hardly make any money at all, I’d be shocked if they could rent a cheap apartment and make ends meet. They are old enough to get married, but the maturity and finances are NOT there.
I don’t know what to say. I really want to just know if he’s ready to get married, which I would be shocked if he is, and if he isn’t he needs to stand up to her and tell her. He’s very reserved and easily pushed into things. She’s a very sweet girl, but so immature. I think she’s more into the idea of a nice wedding (which they can NOT afford but she insists on) and she’s not thinking about their actual marriage. Right now they’re jsut having fun playing house, neither of them have a clue of what it costs to live on your own. She wants so many things that there’s no way they could afford! She is living in a fantasy. If they get married it will clearly be rocky and hard unless there are some major changes in their behavior and jobs. How can I get him to man up before she gets too far into this wedding prep and humiliates them both if/when they have to call it off??? She’s already going bonkers with wedding planning and their date is a year away! At least that’s enough time for him to man up and grow up, or break it off.
Post # 3
I think this has less to do with being married and more to do with being in a relationship with a psycho.
Refusal to take birth control, baby hungry and keeps him drunk? Bad news bears, man.
He needs to seek help with his alcoholism first. People forget they need to take care of themselves and be in a good place before they attempt to take care (Example: Marriage) of anyone else.
Post # 4
TALK TO HIM!!!!
His fiance is clearly insane. She is fogging his judgement which I’m sure is already clouded from the alcohol.
Maybe they really are in love? So I don’t want to say they should break up, but clearly she needs to get her issues taken care of, and clearly they need to get their shit together before they can even think about getting married.
They are not on the same page, and this sounds like a recipe for disaster!
Post # 5
How old are they? She sounds like shes really young and idealistic – wedding, marriage, babies all tied up in a pretty bow.
Why is he okay with her not taking birth control? He can’t be that worried about getting her pregnant if he doesn’t insist for her to be on birth control or if he isn’t taking it into his own hands and providing protection. He knows the consequences and I’m sure he isn’t drunk every single time. In regard to being an alcoholic – that will never change until he is ready to change. It won’t matter who encourages him – he has got to come to that conclusion on his own. If he thinks he doesn’t have a problem then he isn’t going to see her bringing him alcohol as being an issue. Is it horrible of her to use that to her advantage? Absolutely. But I don’t know if much can be done about that…
Sadly, I don’t know how much influence you can have on a friend that is young and in love. Usually trying to deter someone from a relationship at that age (I’m assuming they’re on the younger side) only pushes them toward it.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I’m assuming that he’s been confiding all this information in you. In that case, I would just tell it to him straight.
“Look, friend’s name, from all the things you’ve been telling me, I’m worried about you. It doesn’t seem to me like you really want to get married, and that you’re really ready for it. It also worries me that fiancée is taking advantage of your drinking problem instead of helping you work through it. That’s not what a partner is supposed to do. Please remember that you don’t have to do anything, and that even though she gave you her virginity, that doesn’t mean that you have to marry her. Especially right now. Even if you really do want to marry her, it might be worth it to get your finances and drinking problems under control before your continue forward in your relationship.”
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
Yikes. He sounds like he needs more help than you might be able to give him.
Post # 9
- Wedding: June 2014 - Baby #2 due Sep 2017
Your friend needs to get the heck away from her. I can’t see for red flags all over the place. This is what will happen- the girl gets pregnant, they get married, inevitable messy divorce and girl steals his money, she claims child support for years but your friend never sees the child he never wanted, your friend’s alcohol abuse worsens to the point of sickness/death. Tragic.
Your friend may love her and may have rose-tinted glasses, so please help him!!
Post # 10
@luvmybabies: Honestly, I don’t think it’s your place to say anything. He is an adult and can make his own decisions on who to marry. If he does decide to stay with her after you’ve “warned” him about her, you can probably count on losing that friendship.
Post # 11
Stay out of it.
He’s a grown up and can make his own decisions and his own mistakes.
Yes, you may be his friend and you may care about him, but it is not up to you to tell him that “you don’t think he is ready.”
At best, he will ignore you, at worst, he will tell her and you will be cut out of his life.
It is hard watching the people we care about make mistakes, but it is the only way they learn.
Just be there to support him if it all falls apart (and that is if, some people surprise you when a challenge arises).
Post # 12
@QueenofCups: Yep. When it comes down to it, he’s an adult and is ultimately the one in charge of his own life. You can tell him how you feel, but nothing will change unless he wants it to.