(Closed) Help! Engaged Friend Isn't Ready For Marriage

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
9116 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I think this has less to do with being married and more to do with being in a relationship with a psycho.

Refusal to take birth control, baby hungry and keeps him drunk? Bad news bears, man.

He needs to seek help with his alcoholism first. People forget they need to take care of themselves and be in a good place before they attempt to take care (Example: Marriage) of anyone else.

Post # 4
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013


His fiance is clearly insane. She is fogging his judgement which I’m sure is already clouded from the alcohol. 

Maybe they really are in love? So I don’t want to say they should break up, but clearly she needs to get her issues taken care of, and clearly they need to get their shit together before they can even think about getting married. 

They are not on the same page, and this sounds like a recipe for disaster! 

Post # 5
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

How old are they? She sounds like shes really young and idealistic – wedding, marriage, babies all tied up in a pretty bow.

Why is he okay with her not taking birth control? He can’t be that worried about getting her pregnant if he doesn’t insist for her to be on birth control or if he isn’t taking it into his own hands and providing protection. He knows the consequences and I’m sure he isn’t drunk every single time. In regard to being an alcoholic – that will never change until he is ready to change. It won’t matter who encourages him – he has got to come to that conclusion on his own. If he thinks he doesn’t have a problem then he isn’t going to see her bringing him alcohol as being an issue. Is it horrible of her to use that to her advantage? Absolutely. But I don’t know if much can be done about that…

Sadly, I don’t know how much influence you can have on a friend that is young and in love. Usually trying to deter someone from a relationship at that age (I’m assuming they’re on the younger side) only pushes them toward it.

Post # 6
6221 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I’m assuming that he’s been confiding all this information in you. In that case, I would just tell it to him straight.

“Look, friend’s name, from all the things you’ve been telling me, I’m worried about you. It doesn’t seem to me like you really want to get married, and that you’re really ready for it. It also worries me that fiancée is taking advantage of your drinking problem instead of helping you work through it. That’s not what a partner is supposed to do. Please remember that you don’t have to do anything, and that even though she gave you her virginity, that doesn’t mean that you have to marry her. Especially right now. Even if you really do want to marry her, it might be worth it to get your finances and drinking problems under control before your continue forward in your relationship.”

Post # 7
1762 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I would just tell him.

Post # 8
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Yikes. He sounds like he needs more help than you might be able to give him.

Post # 9
2122 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

Hyperventilate +1

Your friend needs to get the heck away from her. I can’t see for red flags all over the place. This is what will happen- the girl gets pregnant, they get married, inevitable messy divorce and girl steals his money, she claims child support for years but your friend never sees the child he never wanted, your friend’s alcohol abuse worsens to the point of sickness/death. Tragic.

Your friend may love her and may have rose-tinted glasses, so please help him!!


Post # 10
2497 posts
Buzzing bee

@luvmybabies:  Honestly, I don’t think it’s your place to say anything. He is an adult and can make his own decisions on who to marry. If he does decide to stay with her after you’ve “warned” him about her, you can probably count on losing that friendship.

Post # 11
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Stay out of it.

He’s a grown up and can make his own decisions and his own mistakes.

Yes, you may be his friend and you may care about him, but it is not up to you to tell him that “you don’t think he is ready.”

At best, he will ignore you, at worst, he will tell her and you will be cut out of his life.

It is hard watching the people we care about make mistakes, but it is the only way they learn.

Just be there to support him if it all falls apart (and that is if, some people surprise you when a challenge arises).

Post # 12
85 posts
Worker bee

@QueenofCups:  Yep. When it comes down to it, he’s an adult and is ultimately the one in charge of his own life. You can tell him how you feel, but nothing will change unless he wants it to.

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