Help – Ex standing outside my door, wont leave. What do I do?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
11861 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

missfriesian :  you should call RAINN, they can direct you to support and can walk you through safety tips. 

Post # 33
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

So sorry you’re going through this. Please keep your word and call the cops ASAP next time he shows up banging on your door. Strong emotions can make people do uncharacteristic things.

As far as getting through this without getting back with him, it’s time for you to start talking to your friends and family, even though you haven’t. If they’ve been wary of him in the past (part of the reason you haven’t talked to them about your relationship, perhaps?), they will be supportive. And they will be supportive no matter what. And I also second trying to find another outside form of support, whether it be a therapist or a support group. It’s important to surround yourself with people who will hold you accountable and remind you if need be why you left him.

BUT the MOST IMPORTANT PART is to constantly remind yourself. Make a list, write yourself a letter detailing why you’re ending the relationship, how he’s scaring you, etc etc. Anytime you even THINK about giving him a chance or reconnecting with him in any way, READ WHAT YOU WROTE. You can do this!

And of course, the people on the Bee are here to listen and help too. <3

Post # 34
1818 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

missfriesian :  it’s funny – I found the more I was pushed to get back together with my ex the more I pushed back and held my ground (we were together for 6 years, my mom stopped speaking to me – she thought I was letting a really great guy get away, and his family all went crazy calling me). I kept a notebook of all the crazy shit he did to me that no one knew about – from the verbal and physical abuse (when I told my mom he abused me, she said I probably did something to annoy him and deserved it), forbidding me to have friends, getting rid of my old friends, his obsession with money (we could only spend mine – never his), etc… once I started meeting nice normal guys I realized how mean my old boyfriend had been 

It is probably a good idea to sit down with a pen and paper and make a list now of all the reasons why not to get back together. Keep the list handy – pin it to the fridge – so you see it often. 

Post # 35
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

By the way, the police will come and stand around while he collects his stuff.  I used to work for 911/311 and we even had a code just for this, that’s how common it is.  Call 311 (the non-emergency 311) and ask for it.  You could tell him pick up your stuff at this time and then without telling him make the call to the police.

Post # 36
3505 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

mishybear :  I’m glad I’m not the only one- my relationship with my mom was forever changed after I broke up with my emotionally abusive ex. She refused to stop being friends with him and I believe to this day (4 years later) they still speak. My mother and I, on the other hand, now have a very superficial relationship. 

OP- I would suggest finding a therapist to help get you through this time. 

Post # 37
365 posts
Helper bee

missfriesian :  I got through it and got stronger by talking to supportive friends about it a lot and reading online about abuse (virtually nothing can help an abuser stop abusing- you just have to leave and stay gone). My family wasn’t as helpful bc I realized that their denial about an abuser in the family was part of the reason I’d ended up dating someone who emotionally abused me for almost 5 years.

I did weekly therapy for over a year and took up more hobbies. I also made a list of every awful thing he ever did and re-read it frequently at first- it was unbelievably shocking and over time I realized how many more scary incidents I’d forgotten or hadn’t realized were rekated.

Post # 38
292 posts
Helper bee

I would have called the cops for sure.

But, if you’re absolutely not going to do that. You could call/text him and say the neighbors noticed him being a freak outside your door, and that THEY will call the cops if he doesn’t bug off. He doesn’t need to know you’re there…just a thought.

Still. Skip the middleman. Call the cops. Show him you mean business. They won’t arrest him if it’s not a serious situation, but maybe it will be enough to get through to him…

Post # 39
4507 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

As for how to get through it — my best advice is to cut him off completely. Act as if he’s dead (god forbid — I just mean eliminate the possibility of contact). Delete his contact information. Never call him, never text him, never email him, don’t look at his social media . . . you get the picture. He cannot manipulate you if you aren’t listening. 

As for the other stuff — please call the police and tell them about this. They need it on file. I would also get a restaining order. Tell family and friends about it. 

Oh, and if you haven’t given him his things back yet, I would try to arrange to do it without seeing him. Can you mail him his things? 

Post # 40
2092 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

mishybear :  Exactly!!! My ex-husband broke into my apartment when we were going through a separation period and hid in my closet (he did not have a key to the place). He jumped out and scared the mess out of me. He was physically abusive, though, so really no limits to what he would do (also super jealous and insecure because he was a piece of crap and knew it).

Please, have the cops there when you give him his belongings. He cannot harass you at your door. I had a different ex who did this and I would not answer the door when he came by and it was not settled until court. There was NO way I was letting him step foot in my place again, and I called the cops each time he came knocking. He told him to stop coming to my place at crazy hours, too. FWIW, it is not about his stuff. He wants to worm his way back in, don’t fall for it.

Post # 41
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Call the cops and get a no contact order ASAP

Post # 42
12 posts
  • Wedding: May 2016

You should call the police every time he shows up unannounced and wont leave.  File a restraining order.  Yes, it is jst ‘a piece of paper’.  It wont physically protect you but, if he continues to come to your home (violating the order) he could be arrested and face more serious charges.  Inform your neighbors. Give them his discription and assure them that if they find him lurking near your home or car that they should call you or the police immediatly.  

If this really is all about his stuff you can request that an officer be present while he’s in your home to get his things.  

Post # 43
583 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017 - Nepal

missfriesian :  I’m sorry you are going through this. I had an ex who would show up where I was, like work and school. Once he came to my school and had someone in the office come to the classroom to pull me out for an “emergency”. I never thought he would hurt me but I felt violated and it was incredibly inappropriate, embarassing and not to mention creepy AF. I would immediately gather all of his belongings and take them to a family or friends house. I wouldn’t even meet him in person. Resolve anything he would have a reason to contact you and then change your phone number. If you feel like he may show up at your work, just tell them that you are going through a breakup, he isn’t handling it well and that you are not accepting calls/visits from him. I know it may feel awkward, but it will be even more uncomfortable explaining everything if he causes a scene. If this behavior continues, file a restraining order for stalking. Most importantly, be careful!

Post # 44
168 posts
Blushing bee

I hope you are ok!  You need to file for a restraining order ASAP!

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