Post # 16
I think it’s important to realize that none of his or his families behavior is normal. The guilt trips and pressure are not a normal thing people do in this situation. If he really loved you he would want you to be comfortable and feel safe with the decision to marry him. His unwillingness to wait is a red flag. The way he has manipulated you to agree to his requests by blocking you on social media is an abusive tactic and is not normal. How can you trust someone who uses an insecurity of yours to force you to do something? That is not love, that is not normal.
Please please go get some therapy for yourself ASAP. Talk to the therapist about what is going on and have them help you sort through this. Because if you feel you deserve this treatment that means you need some help to get back to normal. Because it is NOT normal to feel like you deserve bad treatment no matter what.
Try out this quiz to give yourself an idea of how abusive your relationship really is. And please please get some therapy to give yourself some support and encouragement at this hard time. Hugs bee!
Post # 17
- Wedding: September 2017 - City, State
Please get out of this relationship and do not look back. You do NOT deserve to be treated this way and do not convince yourself you do because you’ve “hurt him.” I’ve been a jerk to my husband and vice versa but it doesn’t mean we have the green light to manipulate and be toxic as revenge.
It scares me that they want you to marry so badly….what else are they up to? I don’t know, bee… I don’t trust this situation and you need to get out, please.
Post # 18
It sounds like he doesn’t think you are an equal to him. Are you from a place where women don’t have financial control over themselves? The only way for this to get better is for you to get a hold of your job/career/finances and have control over yourself. Is this possible for you?
Post # 19
If you don’t want to marry someone, but you aren’t telling them that- you are wasting their time.
If you are buying time with half-truths and being slippery with deadlines, you are being an unreliable person and a liar.
Don’t let a crappy relationship/ partner turn you into a jerk, too. Just be honest and leave. This guy and his family sound like nut jobs, but that doesn’t make stringing him along okay.
Post # 20
Bee, you have one life. Spend it wisely. Right now you have a choice between making a lifelong commitment to a creep who doesn’t respect you, OR not spending your life with a creep who doesn’t respect you. Choose wisely. A healthy relationship that includes love and respect is not a “fairytale”. It is a prerequisite for marriage.
I get that right now you’re afraid to lose him. But entering a marriage that you don’t even want, that has a thousand red flags, that is guaranteed to bring you stress, is a terrible use of your life.
He’s treating you like crap. I know that you have a million thoughts going through your head right now, and the fact that he and his family are manipulating you doesn’t help. But this is actually way more black and white than you think it is. Take a step back, and realize how easy this decision actually is. No one should marry a man who treats them like crap. Plain and simple.
When I was trying to come to terms with leaving a bad relationship, I remember this quote resonated with me: Don’t marry a man unless you would be proud to have a son exactly like him.
Post # 21
First of all marriage is a lifelong commitment and serious step in a relationship. Both partners need to be ready and sure to marry one another. Both you and your partner have to be patient and understand each other if one is not ready for such step yet. Especially in a long distance relationship spending time together and getting to know each other before marriage is very important. If you have any fears and doubts because of previous relationships you need to openly talk to him about it so that he can understand and show patience. A good partner would show understanding and support in those situations. If he seems to be the one who is less active in spending time and showing love and effort… then you need to find out why he wants to marry you. What are his motivations and why is he in such a hurry.
If you have specific desires and needs that you want him to fulfill you have to tell him. Your man is not a mind reader. Generally men want to make their women happy but they need a hint or push in the right direction. And what men want from their woman but mostly not say is ” appreciation”. When a man does something that shows he cares about you even if its just something small… its important that you tell him how thankful you are for what he did. This will give him motivation and make him feel good thus he will work harder to make you happy. So if you long for more phone calls (most men do not talk as much as we women do) then tell him “I would be very happy if you could call me more” or if he calls you more thank him for it and tell him it makes you happy. This is much more helpful than complaining or making demands in a way that seems forceful to him.
To your trust issues: Men want to be trusted. If a man gets accused or mistrusted when he is innocent it hurts him deeply. I know that previous bad experience can give someone trust issues and that its hard to trust in general. But until there is a very good reason and evidence that you can not trust him you have to at least make him feel like you trust him. In a relationship there will always be differences because both partners are 2 individuals… but a working relationship is built on compromises and acceptance of these differences. If the differences are too big and can not be tolerated then we have to question ourselves is this partner right.
He should never pressure you into doing something you dont want or that you are not sure of. You need to tell him that you need time and if he does not respect that then he is not the one. Nobody in this world can tell you if you are ready to marry, only you can say that. That he manipulates you instead of hearing you out and talk about your feelings is a very bad sign. If he does not respect or appreciate you then he is not right. You deserve someone better. Dont be scared to speak your mind and do what you feel is right. I know you can do it. This is your life and nobody can tell you how to live it but yourself. Let it be a lesson for your next relationship. With every mistake we learn and become wiser. Never marry someone who threatens to leave you if you dont. Love is not to control someone. The only way to solve those problems is both of you to openly talk together and listen to each other… but it takes effort from both of you. If he can not do that then he may not be right for you.
Post # 22
You need to RUN. And you really need to think about whether or not you want to being children into the hell that you’re living. In a good relationship you will be excited to marry each other. End of story. Do not let this man lock you into a marriage. Being single forever is better than this.
Post # 23
Great point! We tell so many bees on the waiting threads that they deserve to know the truth if their partners don’t want to marry them so as to avoid wasting their time. This is no different.
Be honest with him, bee. It’s unfair of you to string him along.
OP- I’m not excusing his behavior at all, but you owe him the truth so you can both move on coffeecakez :
Post # 24
He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even like you. He just wants to control you. That’s why he doesn’t want to spend any time with you and he doesn’t want to be nice to you, but he wants to lock you down with marriage. Please end this relationship and find someone who treats you well.
Post # 25
This has abuse written all over it! The pressure he and his family are putting on you to make a lifelong commitment you’re not 100% ready for and comfortable with is alarming.
Your gut is screaming at you to run away. Listen to it.
Post # 26
helpmeout : where do you live and where does he live? This sounds a lot like the situations on 90 Day Fiance where one half of a couple is using the other just to get a green card for a country they’d like to live in
Post # 27
Bee, marrying him would be the biggest mistake of your life and you know it. Read up on emotional abuse and get out! I know it’s difficult to believe when you’ve been manipulated and gaslighted for so long, but trust me. You deserve so much better.
Post # 28
helpmeout : We could say “Run” until we’re blue in the face bee. The fact is, you already know this is not something healthy for you and not even something that you want to do. You already know this. We’re all going to say the same thing but it doesn’t mean one damn thing if you’re not willing to take stand and act in your own best interest.
What is stopping you from saying “No I will not do this”? That’s what you need to get to the bottom of because you already know this will end 10 times worse than if you choose to stay alone. At least alone YOU get to choose how you live your life. Even if its hard or wrong…..YOU chose it not someone else.
Get some courage and self love today bee. You need saving and you’re the only one who can do it.
Post # 29
helpmeout : My partner decided to block me on all accounts and refused to talk to me until I agreed to some of his terms and conditions.
Dump him. Now. Run. This is not a healthy relationship. You know this, Bee. You have to get out of this situation.
Post # 30
Marrying him will be a huge mistake. Good thing you still have 3 months. Please call it off. You will be miserable after marriage. he doesn’t fulfill or match what your requirement of a compatible partner is. I ended up marrying a similar guy afer dating him and long distance for 6 years, I hated every day after marriage and divorced him after 6 months. Please don’t put yourself through that!