Post # 1
I am comepletely freeaking out right now. Before we even got engaged FI decided that we wanted an adult wedding and really did not want to invite children, especially those under the age of 5. Once we got engaged I made it clear to my sister that my nephew (who will be 6 at the wedding) could be the ring bearer becase he was so excited and he is a pretty calm kid and that if she had another child before then (we had a 2 year engagement) she would need to find a sitter. No problem.
Then she got pregnant with my younger nephew. I told her you know I will love him but no babies. Same thing throughout our entire engagement. As we got closer to the wedding suddenly its wrong for me not to invite my youngest nephew. I offered to pay for child care and pay for a hotel nearby for the sitter but I guess no one but herself or my mom and watch him (not even family members who were not going to the wedding or her friends). The wedding is about 40 min from our hometown which is why I offered to pay for anyone she wanted to come to watch him. She refuses every suggestion I make.
Meanwhile several members of FI family wont make it bc they have small children and he told them they could not come. Not to mention the fact that his very religios parents begged me to cover my arms and shoulders for the ceremony but FI and I did not want me to do that so we stood our ground. Now he feels its unfair for us to accomodate my sister and not his parents or other family members. Not to mention the fact that we really dont want babies there.
My sister is saying that if she cant bring the baby my other nephew cant be in the wedding, the boys will stay home with their dad and she will come just for the ceremony and leave. My mom is telling her to just bring him anyway and FI and I keep arguing bc he thinks we should stick to what we agreed to no matter what. I just dont know what to do. Everyone is making me out to be the bad guy but I just dont know how to please everyone. Im three weeks away from my wedding and I have so much stress but I cant help bt worry about this bc I love my sister and I want her to be by my side on my wedding day but its FI wedding too and he also has to be happy. I just dont know what to do…
Post # 3
That is so stressful, I’m sorry you have to be going through that so close to the wedding! Me and Fi have decided no kids at our wedding either, and are getting major flack about it. My advice is to continue to stand your ground, continue telling them that it is your wedding, and what you say goes. It is completely reasonable that you don’t want babies there, and many people choose to go that route! You are not the bad guy for making a choice that many people have to make when they have babies/young kids in their family.
I know this is hard, and your family members can think what they want, but this is your wedding which means it’s your choice. If you don’t want babies there, simply tell your sister that she can’t bully you by threatening to leave early/not have her son as the ring bearer. Explain that you are both adults, and if she wants to miss her own sister’s wedding based on pride for a wedding her son won’t even remember then that is her loss.
That is just my advice, I know it’s easier said than done, though! I hope this all gets settled by the wedding. In the meantime, just try to relax and remember that if at the end of the day you are marrying the man of your dreams, then you truly got what you want.
Post # 4
Since your sister is refusing- let her come for the ceremony and leave. It will be her fault as she isn’t willing to compromise on an day that doesn’t belong to her- not fair for your FI and his family.
Post # 5
That’s a tough one! I think she agreed in theory and now that it is getting closer and she does have a second child, she’s clearly regretting that!
I honestly have no idea what you should do, but I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone! My sister has 2 sons and my FI sister has 3 kids… We had thought that you either give all of them roles in the wedding or none (and were leaning to none). THEN my sister baited her kids by telling one of them that he would have a special role and having him call me to ask what it would be! I was not impressed!
In her role as a parent, she’s suppose to put her child first (always and at all cost)… but in her role as a sister (and the sister of THE BRIDE) she is suppose to put you first, just this once. I disagree with her and I think she is wrong for behaving this way, but I can see why her roles are conflicting and making her confused.
Post # 6
@mzlouis2b: Usually I think exceptions are made for immediate family, but not further restricted by age. Is your sister nursing? Exceptions are often made for that. Does she explain why she doesnt want a sitter? If she’s not giving a reason beyond “no” then it’s a shame she’s just being difficult and stressing you out. I can’t imagine she would be able to stay long at the reception anyway without a sitter! I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! The bottom line is, it is your wedding and i don’t think your request is totally unreasonable, but at a certain point you have to decide if it’s worth the stress.
Post # 7
Thanks for al the responses!
She is not nursing and my nephew is 7 months. I know she would not stay long anyway if he did come and I really dont think he will like the loud music. I am not a mother, and I understand that Its difficult to leave him, but I wish she would at least try to compromise with me.
My other issue is my FI who is not willing to bend at all. Since we held our ground with his family he thinks its only fair to do the same with mine.
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
It sounds like you’ve got your solution– if you’re not having children, then you shouldn’t have a flower girl or ring bearer. The boys will stay home with Dad (this is the parent’s choice, you’ve given them other options) and your sister will be there to support your marriage, and skip the party afterwards. Why is this scenario so terrible? You didn’t WANT kids– so don’t have them.
Post # 9
I agree with @armychica06. Stand your ground, have her come then she can choose to leave.
You stood your ground with your FI’s family, some who aren’t even coming now b/c of the kid issue, you can’t have it one way for your family and another way for his. It’s not fair to your FI. As much as you want your sister there tell her you want her there by your side but you understand she has to leave after the ceremony, it’s her choice.
Post # 10
This is always the risk when you host a kid-free wedding. Personally I don’t think any parent should be forced to choose between their kids and their relative’s/friend’s wedding, but that’s just me. There may be some creative work-arounds though, and you should probably explore them. Starting with, if the venue has multiple rooms, you could hire (at your expense) a couple of nannies for the day and hold a kiddie room with games, toys and nannies to watch the kids. Parents would be more likely to leave their kids in the care of a stranger if they were just down the hall where the parent could check in, or where the nanny could come fetch the parent in case there’s a problem. While technically you aren’t required to pay for someone else’s child care, doing so not only removes the burden of arranging child care from the guest (especially the out-of-towners) but achieves the goal of a child-free event only makes you look like a great hostess instead of a grinch.
I do agree with PP that you should not make an exception for your family members if the same exception was not made for your fiance’s family members. If you were to line up some sort of pop-up daycare for your guests, I’d hope you’d reach out to all who declined because of their kids and inform them of the changed plans, and re-extend an invitation to them.
Post # 11
you offered to cover a hotel and sitter, which is more than reasonable. it sucks that your nephew who’s probably super excited might no longer be able to take part, but that’s on her, not you. agree you should not accomodate since you were more than clear to start with. don’t know what covering shoulders has to do with kids on your fi’s side, but if it’s crying baby is there with her or she’s not going to the reception, i’d let her enjoy the evening with her child. your mom needs to stay out of it; tell her it’s going to be really awkward if she brings him anyway and you end up having to kick him out, and potentially the mom with him (since i’m assuming she would choose to leave with her child)
i get that you want your sister to be happy, and immediate family AND bridal party does trump cousins, but if your FI doesn’t want a baby, and you agreed to that before, i don’t think it’s fair for you to fight for your sister’s baby just because she’s being unreasonable about respecting your wishes. when your nephew asks why he wasn’t invited, you can tell him that he was, and it’s because mommy wouldn’t let him go. i don’t get how preventing her son is punishing you – i’m pretty sure it’s punishing him just as much, since he’s old enough to get it.
Post # 12
How old is the baby? If he/she is young (and/or breastfeeding) I think you should make an exception. She’s your sister – there’s a difference between making an exception for your sister and for a random cousin.
Just saw that he is 7 months – I think that is young enough to justify having him there. Sorry but I wouldn’t leave my 7 month old with a babysitter at a hotel nearby. If it was in the same place as the wedding, sure but even just a few minutes down the road? no way.
Unless you told your FI’s bro/sis that his nephew/niece can’t come, then he needs to get over it. If you want your niece/nephews there than it’s no one else’s business really except your own. I’d do whatever it took for my sister to be at my wedding personally. I don’t think she’s being unreasonable.
Post # 13
Why don’t you just let her skip the ceremony… so the kid doesn’t cry out and steal your thunder during the ceremony. I bet he’ll be barely noticed at the reception.
Post # 14
It sounds like she’s already made her choice. SHe made you an ultimatum. Call her out on it. Tell her. I look forward to seeing you at the ceremony, so sorry that you’ll miss the reception. And move on. If your sister doesn’t love you enough to get a baby sitter for a few hours than I wouldn’t waste any time or energy on her.
Post # 15
I wouldn’t leave my 7 month old with a random baby sitter either, sorry.
Post # 16
- Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings
Her sister wont even allow other family members who were not going to the wedding or her friends to watch the baby. And OP has “pay for anyone she wanted to come to watch him.” This sounds like she has made up her mind.
OP, she is allowed her choice as you and FI are allowed yours.
I will say your FI is right in that it would be unfair to give into her on this but not others. The fact that you’re keeping your arms and shoulders bare really resonated with me; that is BIG BIG BIG in some cultures and within some belief systems but you are sticking to your guns on that. Why are you willing to go against your FI parents wishes on modesty/ morality or whatever but give into your sister on this? The fact that she wont allow other family member watch the baby is odd to me and smacks of passive aggressiveness.