- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
Okay, so I’ve been a member here for a little while and haven’t been active recently (rather unfortunately, but just recently got Internet at home again! Yay!). Many of you don’t know me, so I will re-introduce myself briefly here and give y’all a little bit of a background on me and my FH. I’m 25, and my fiance is 37. We have been engaged since March of last year and our wedding is in April. We have been together for three years and have lived together for almost two of those three years. We are deeply in love and we are each other’s best friend. We are educated and hold good jobs. We have had our moments like any couple, but overall I have known he was the one since I met him, and vice versa.
Anyway, my parents were a little nervous of the age difference (which to me isn’t all that terrible, honestly love is love and it’s not like he’s QUITE old enough to be my dad, plus he looks amazing…damn Cherokee blood!) when we first started dating. They met him and liked him so no one really bothered me about it after that. My FH and I are actually the first to joke about it. At any rate, this post isn’t really about our age difference because neither of us dwell on or care about that. My FH is Type 1 diabetic so he really embraces life because of all of the things that he missed out on as a kid. He is someone who is very full of life, love, and laughter. He puts everyone else’s needs before his own. He is very kind and gentle, and he is a good man. He is very responsible but also knows how to be immature and have fun when the time is right. We balance each other’s differences and bring each other up, which I feel is very important in a relationship. We like the same things, have the same taste in most activities, movies, food, etc. but we push each other to try new things. He is ALWAYS there for me no matter what. We just genuinely enjoy spending time with each other. He has spent time with my family and gotten along really well with them, especially my two younger brothers. For two years, everything was great. My parents are Catholic but they are not overly traditional, and when I told her about the age difference she told me age ain’t nothing but a number. They didn’t even really mind when we moved in together (and belive me, I have a loud Irish family, and they are very vocal when they don’t like something which is why this is all the more perplexing to me).
Anyway, I think the main reason this has all come about is because my FH did not ask my parents’ permission to propose to me. I honestly didn’t care about this tradition because I feel it is outdated and didn’t think my parents cared either because they are not that traditional either, but apparently my parents thought it was direspectful. My FH honestly thought he was doing what I wanted and he thought we would tell our parents together. He was mortified that my parents were upset over him not asking them. We apologized and everything, but since then things have soured. Before when we were just dating, and even living together, they invited him over for family events and bought him Christmas gifts, etc. This year they’ve suddenly decided he doesn’t exist. They didn’t invite him to Thanksgiving or to Christmas. They didn’t even get him a card. It’s like they are trying to make me choose between him and them, and I feel like they’re trying to employ some sort of reverse psychology on me. Like if they ignore him enough, I’ll just break up with him and call off the wedding. They even told me after the engagement that they think he is a nice man, they are just mad that he didn’t consult them first. We can’t even get them to sit down and talk about it with us. They are always “too busy.” It really hurts both of us that they didn’t include him in Christmas this year especially when he picked gifts out for all of them as well. I think it is just blatant. I understand their frustration that he didn’t ask them first before proposing but I think it was an honest mistake not realizing that’s what they expected. I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life having my husband unincluded in family activities. Regardless of the fact that he didn’t ask them for permission, he is a good person and very respectful. I’m not mad that he didn’t ask them and he is distraught that he thinks he ruined his relationship with my family over this.
My question is: Is it right for my family to just ignore him because of this? Should I be upset that he didn’t ask for permission? I didn’t even think people really did that anymore so it didn’t even cross either of our minds. They have no other grounds to ignore him other than this. He is really upset and hurt as well and feels terrible. I am to the point where I don’t think they would even show up to the wedding over this. And I really don’t think there is anything deeper. I’ve discussed it with them and they haven’t given me any other valid reasons as to why they don’t want me to marry him. They aren’t against our age difference or anything else and they liked him up until our engagement. Has anyone else experienced a similar situation? This is really stressing me out and I feel like my parents want no part in my wedding. I don’t think it is fair for them to try to make me choose them over me in a passive-aggressive way like this. Has anyone else dealt with their family not inviting their husband or wife to family events? His family adores me and treats me as a member of the family. I got lucky in that respect. I love his parents, brother and sister, and our nephews to death. They are wonderful, warm, and kind people.
TL;DR; Sorry for the long post, I am thanking ANYONE who has taken the time to read through this mess and offer me advice. I feel alone in this. I want my FH to be able to participate in family events and not be treated like he doesn’t even exist. I know my parents have a right to disapprove of the person I marry and not show up to my wedding if they want to, and if they are going to do that then fine. I just need some advice on how I should deal with this. I don’t want my husband looking forlorn every Christmas, Thanksgiving, and birthday that he doesn’t get to spend with my family. This is a really painful situation for us!