(Closed) Help! Family take overs are driving me crazy!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6123 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am so sorry.  Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people I’ve found.  My mom is a very insecure jealous woman too, and it’s severly affected our relationship.

 

If I were you, I’d keep my mouth shut about ANY wedding details.  If someone strikes up a convo about it, answer breifly but change the subject to them.  Just mail them all their invitation 8 weeks sprior (well you’ll have to do a save the date because it’s a destiation) and then that’s it. You actually don’t have to address or justify any of your decisions, you can change the topic on them.

As soon as you start getting into details with anyone about anything, someone is going to have an opinion.

Who cares if his mom is cheap.  If you pay for your own wedding then it’s no one’s business what anything costs. 

I know first had how hard it is to brush off comments, but it’s really for the best.  Try to be the better person, try not to get into a justification war.  Treat them all as guests and they’ll get their invitations.

Post # 4
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Oh my goodness. I was laughing out loud at all the Wal-Mart stuff/funeral home venue. But this is sad- your families are going way overboard here.

The day is about you and CLH (although everyone else thinks it’s their day, which never makes sense.) Maybe you should elope. I know you said the parents won’t “accept” it, but if it’s legal union, it’s a marriage. 

If you don’t elope, keep quiet about the plans. All this interference is not going to help. From what you’ve written, you are SO far from being a bridezilla. Doing a destination wedding will make guests view it as a vacation- so that’s why the family’s so crazy about the itineraries.

Why can’t you have the wedding you want- church, etc.? It sounds like you’re planning a wedding that you don’t want at all, and that’s just sad. I wish I had more advice- maybe the best thing to do is sit down with CLH, and really nail down what you both want for the day (vs. what Ken wants) Good Luck! 

Post # 5
Member
2616 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

oh wow. just hugs. u r not a bridezilla. u and ur fiance want YOUR WEDDING one way. dont like anyone guilt trip you into not having wedding u and ur fiance want.  there will be no way in hell i would let carl pick where to have it.. um carl if u want disney u do it for ur wedding.

Post # 6
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Where is your fiancé in this. He should speak up for you. It’s your wedding and they are “guests”. Stop having conversations with them about your wedding. Fiancé needs to get on board with this too!

Post # 7
Member
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

The two of you need to sit down and pick a place and time. Put down the money, plan the wedding yourselves, and then send invitations. You are not going to be able to please everybody so make it the best you can for you and Fiance, that is what the whole day is about. When discussing this with them use the phrase” it has already been taken care of, but thanks for thinking of us” A LOT!

Post # 9
Member
6123 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

“My biggest problem with not telling anyone is that my parents have offered to help us pay for some of it so unfortunately, I have to tell them and my mom can’t keep her mouth shut about plans.”

 

You can politely decline if having her directly involved is too much stress for you.  But in all honesty, if you’re paying for your own wedding, not much other input is required and you get to have it how you want. Or give her 1-2 items for her to rule over (like flowers or cake) and have them cover only that and deal with only that if you insist on taking their gift.

I did ask people if certain locations were doable for them (financially wise) and even then you cannot please everyone, but other than that, they did not know too many details.

You and Fiance pick the 3 top things that are important for your wedding and if something is not jiving with those goals, time to stop and reasses.

No you’re not bridezilla.

Post # 10
Member
1089 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I think you should be Bridezilla. Maybe not take it that far but stand up for what you want. No point in having a wedding that you don’t really truly want. All will come from that is regrets.

I am from Alberta 🙂 We have some really nice places to get married here. May I point west? The rockies would be a perfect semi destination wedding. (I don’t know where in AB you are but most have to travel there. Granted things do get more expensive in the Rockies, but there are ways around that. Have you heard of Tunnel Mountain? It is a beautiful inexpensive location to hold a ceremony and then you would just have to figure out what you want to do for a reception. It might help your mom feel a little more at ease with having it in AB so she doesn’t think you “love your inlaws more”.

Just some suggestions that is all 🙂 I sincerely hope that you decide to have the wedding YOU want and not bend over for every one else.

Post # 11
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012 - Prairie Production- Chicago (loft)

Although I think you have every right to be Bridezilla – I know you are probably trying to stay calm.

To be honest if I was in your shoes I would say “to hell with all of ya!… this is the wedding we are having…this is where it is…this is what we are doing … and that’s that. If you want to pay for everything- you can help make choices….but it is our day and not yours.”

That might sound terrible, but this day is about the two of you and if your family loves you they’ll be there and do whatever is planned regardless if it is their choice of event. I wouldn’t tell them anything until you send out the invitations- when it’s too late to change your reservations.

Can’t they keep their ideas to their own weddings and children’s weddings?

Sorry you have to go through all that…. but if I were you I think I’d rather just take the parents and immediate siblings without the kids and do something very memorable in the place you’ve always dreamed of- and please get married in a church if that is really important to you.

Post # 14
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@saberdawn:  See, here’s the thing. As the bride and groom, you and your CLH should probably ascede to reasonable requests made by important guests.

It’s just that NONE of these are reasonable requests.

1. It’s nice that your Future Mother-In-Law had the day that she wanted and that it wasn’t expensive. Now you get to have your day the way that YOU want it. If she wants you to go to Wal-Mart for your dress, maybe she won’t be as invested in the “dress shopping experience” as other ladies are. I think maybe you invite her along for PART of the dress-shopping day, or a day when you know that you won’t make a final decision. You could also go yourself beforehand to check things out. Then go back and own that experience by yourself, or with your mom. That way, even if Future Mother-In-Law is snide, it’s not going to be the top note of your dress buying experience.

2. Harsh words time: your mom’s concern with ABSOLUTE PARITY is inappropriate and someone needs to tell her that. If you want a Destination Wedding, then go for it. Otherwise, you and Fiance choose where you want to get married, and people can cope with it. If your mother can’t understand that it’s not about her, then it’s her problem to deal with. Take her at her words when she says “It’s OK to have the wedding in X place *sob sob*” Passive-aggressive manipulation is unacceptable. Ignore it til it gets to actually aggressive manipulation, and then call her out for acting like a nut.

3a-c: Start practicing this phrase: “That’s a lovely idea! We’ll let you know what we decide.” Lather, rinse, repeat. It’s inappropriate for all of these siblings to make assumptions about what your wedding should be for them. Your wedding is about you and your CLH. HE is the one with whom you need to hash this stuff out and have a unified front going forward.

In short, you need to learn to be a little more tone-deaf. Even if you are picking up on their self-centered displeasure or bizarre preferences, you should proceed as if they’re on board with your plans — because you would NEVER suspect these people in your life who care SO much about you and your CLH to be so INCREDIBLY inappropriate and out of line. It’s simply not done, so they simply couldn’t be doing it, right? 😉 Not Bridezilla, but just to be able to smile and say the nice, perhaps even a little dim, equivalent of “Well, that’s your problem.”

Post # 15
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2013

You absolutely have to have a wedding you want.

I don’t mean, 100% perfect, “it’s-my-day” controlling insanity. I mean, you have to have a wedding you’re excited about, that you look forward to. If that means a church: you must have a church. If that means purple gowns: you must have purple gowns. These are not unreasonable.

Is it possible to have a church destination wedding? I’ve never look into it so I don’t know. Can you have the ceremony you want in a church somewhere (with tuxedos and gowns), and then an outdoors reception to keep everyone happy in their khakis? Also, there’s no reason you must have a destination wedding somewhere south – although that’s common – why not just somewhere else in Canada or the States? Although I can see how your mother might not view a PEI or BC wedding as “neutral” Smile Is there a spot equidistant between your new hometown and where you grew up? That’s sort of what we’re doing – an Ottawa wedding when I grew up in NS and he grew up in Sault Ste Marie. 

I wish you the best of luck dealing with all of this. As for your/FH’s siblings: their opinions matter because you love them and they are family, their opinions do not matter in the slightest regarding itineraries! Take their availabilty and lifestyles into some consideration – no more than that,

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