(Closed) Help- FI has been commenting about me 'changing'!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do?
    Accept that everyone changes, and not worry about it : (3 votes)
    5 %
    Sit down with FI and talk about his issues with me : (24 votes)
    42 %
    Seek second opinion from close family member/friend : (3 votes)
    5 %
    Work it out myself and aim to change my outlook : (25 votes)
    44 %
    Ignore him, he's just being a man : (0 votes)
    Other? : (2 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    7977 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    Could it be because planning a wedding makes everyone around you more insane than a bucket of frogs?

    When you plan a wedding, suddenly then EVERYONE has an opinion. I remember reading an article once about a woman who was amazed that when she became pregnant “people felt free to come up to me in the street, touch me, and ask me questions of a veterinary nature”.

    Weddings are a bit like that. They’re a time in your life when people decide that they can give you unsolicited advice. And then you think… woah… am I the crazy one here, or is it everyone else?

    And it makes you a little crazy, sometimes, right?

    Post # 4
    Member
    3569 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I think from what he said he sounds like he is worried about you and stress levels. Second it sounds like you are becoming overly sensitive if you are wondering about everyone around you. I think you need to take a break from wedding stuff, then second put everything into perspective, so this doesn’t become a situation of everyone around feeling like you are a bridezilla, meanwhile you will feel awful and probably hurt by everyone actions. Then your wedding planning which should be a happy time will be tense affair.

    I say taking time and not letting it overwhelm you should do it, and if you feel it’s more serious then that maybe going to see a therapist temporarily to help you cope with everything. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon!

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    8446 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Could it be because planning a wedding makes everyone around you more insane than a bucket of frogs?

    @Rachel631:  This!!!!

    Post # 8
    Member
    7977 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    *cough*

    Advice for Newly Engaged Bees

    My Fiance also went through a period where he was all “you’ve changed… it’s like you’re a manic wedding planner…”

    Me: *waving my extra large glass of gin and tonic in the air* then why don’t you help me plan, so I will be less stressed?

    Fiance: Because I don’t really care enough about the details? Besides, loads of people have been giving you advice!

    Me: You know what? That’s exactly the problem! TOO MUCH ADVICE!!! Too much advice make Rachel CRAZY!!!!

    *awkward silence*

    Me: I think I need more gin…

    Post # 9
    Member
    9891 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @EnglishWifey:   I understand you’re stressed, weddings are stressful for everyone.

    My advice is:

    Don’t use your Fiance as your emotional “dumping ground.”  Not fair to him!

    Learn to have a thicker skin when it comes to his family.  Be like a duck and let things roll off your back.  People will stop picking on you when you stop reacting because then it will become boring to them.  The more sensitive you are around people like that (sort of bully types) the more they enjoy needling you.  You have more power here than you realize.

    🙂

    Post # 11
    Member
    641 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

    @EnglishWifey:  Hmm, maybe you guys could plan a weekend with just the two of you: no family or wedding business allowed. Even if it’s just watching TV together with the phones switched off. I tend to get a little manic about things, too, and it helps to just kinda pause it all and take a break with your man.

    AND when you come back to planning/his family you’ll be refreshed and ready to take them on!

    Post # 12
    Member
    2082 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    @EnglishWifey:  “It started out being just about his family but has soon developed into a constant worry about everyone around me. My friends ignore me, his friends don’t want to hang out with me, his female friends are hitting on him. I sound like a crazy lady!”

    ^This statement, is a bit worrisome. I think you have some social anxiety. I would talk with him about these feelings and perhaps seek counseling, as well.

    Post # 13
    Member
    279 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    The option I would go with wasn’t listed: Sit down with Fiance and talk about YOUR issues with YOURSELF. You sound very self-aware in your post, so I think you know that the issue is largely about your feelings not aligning with your rationality. I’ve been there, and in my experience it’s 100% a result of feeling self-conscious or just bad about myself. It is fueled by anxiety: am I good enough, am I doing something wrong, are they pretending to be kidding but they actually mean it?

    I think if you sit down with him and tell him about these feelings in a “this is what I’m dealing with” way and not a “this is what people are doing to me” way it will make all the difference. It’s basically the “work it out yourself” option, except that instead of struggling through it alone and suffering silently, you’re acknowledging that you have a partner in life now who can help you work through it. He’ll probably be happier to be a part of helping you find a workable solution than being kept in the dark. If you try to go it alone, how will he know you know there’s a problem? How will he know that you’re trying to fix it?

    Post # 15
    Member
    2053 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @EnglishWifey:  I am sorry you are going through this. I don’t think you necessarily need a big discussion about what he thinks of you — I think that will only end poorly and make you feel more self conscious. Instead, share with him that you have though about what he said, you are indeed stressed out but are taking steps (and do take those steps!) to alleviate the situation. Ask for his help and patience as you work it out. Period.

     

    Then, the next time his family pokes fun at you, take your husband aside and say, “Remember when I asked your for your help and patience while I’m stressed? This is one of those times. I need your help and to ask your family to please not completely change, but just be a little gentler with me now.”

     

    You might even make a preemtive strike! If there is someone else in his family you can talk to about your feeling stressed and need some extra kindness, bond with that person! Then you’ve made an ally in addition to your man.

     

    I know what it is like to be surrounded by that kind of family and it would really piss me off, too, but there were other issues beyond that that were really upsetting to me, so the being mocked was all a component of the other ick that occurred in my relationship at the time. So, always good to have your antennae up and ask yourself if there is anything else going on in your relationship that makes you feel mocked because playing around is one thing, and verbal/emotional abuse is another. That said, a PP pointed out this bit that you wrote and it concerns me, too:

     

    “It started out being just about his family but has soon developed into a constant worry about everyone around me. My friends ignore me, his friends don’t want to hang out with me, his female friends are hitting on him. I sound like a crazy lady!”

     

    I agree that the joking admist the immediate family may have escalated for you to a point that is really unhealthy and it would be good for you to find some peace with yourself, your overall planning situation, and those around you. Talk it out here, with a good friend, and get some professional counseling, too. You’ll be all the healthier and happier for it!
     

    EDIT: Just read what you wrote about your friends thinking they were bridesmaids and all that. Yes, that will happen, too. Weddings sure are an explosion of craziness. It is a transformation of sorts where you find out a lot about yourself, your Fiance, and your friends. Hang in there.

     

     

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