(Closed) Help! FI just told me he doesn’t want to marry me! :_(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. I would say don’t make any major decision right when you feel so emotional.

Also, it really sounds like he is very confused about what he wants/needs right now. I would suggest you have him read The Five Love Languages together so together you can decide what makes each of you feel loved. We all feel loved in different ways, the book explains (acts of service, affirmation, affection etc.) and it doesn’t mean either of you are wrong in the way you’re showing love, you might just not be showing it in the way the other feels it.

If you’re past that point in the relationship right now, I would say, keep the lines of communication open with him. He was honest with you and you can’t be mad that he told you the truth. You could be mad with the truth of course, but he obviusly still cares a great deal, or he wouldn’t have given you an explanation–he would have just left altogether I would think.

((hugs)) and good luck either way.

Post # 4
Member
2201 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

That really sucks – I would ask him if he wants to schedule an appointment with a couples counsellor to help you talk through everything. And let him know that if he really wants to call off the wedding, he needs to reimburse you for (at least) half of the costs you’ve incurred so far.

Post # 5
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m really sorry this happened to you!  There are a lot of men (some of which have been engaged to bee’s) that just panic, for lack of a better word.  They feel a pressure to change who they are.  The wedding becomes stressful, the marriage itself applies a lot of pressure too.  He may just be going through something so I really wouldn’t initiate a conversation.  If you want to be with him, maybe say something like, “I’m here when you want to talk about this”. 

Post # 6
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

wow, thats ALOT to take in ((hugs))

i got stuck on your post where you say “I’ve built my whole life around him” – im worried that you have lost yourself and your identity with being with your Fiance and if thats affected how your Fiance feels as this could be alot of pressure for someone.  also you say you are paying for 90% of the wedding cost, is that because he is funding his schooling or he has no interested in financially supporting the wedding.

hopefully you 2 will be able to talk further to figure out what is going on and hopefully its not a bad as it seems right now

Post # 7
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I am so sorry you are going through this pain right now. I am sure you are overwhelmed with a ton of emotions (anger, sadness, confusion etc.)

I definitely agree you need to keep the communication lines open and really flesh out what he is feeling right now. I definitely think going to a couples counselor could help and having a counselor would be a great moderator to make sure you really get to the root of the issues he and you are having.

I too was struck when you said you have had to change your life for him. You deserve to be in a partnership, where you are both equally contributing to the relationship. Yes, maybe in different ways, but one person should not be working so much harder than the other. This might be a big wake up call.

Also, yes it’s good he is being honest because you wouldn’t want him to be feeling like AFTER the wedding. He could just be having cold feet though.

I hope this passes soon and you are able to work through this together. GOOD LUCK and keep us posted!

**HUGS!!!**

Post # 8
Member
1981 posts
Buzzing bee

girl I have no advice, just (((hugs))). I remember your post on letterpress and I know you’ve been pouring yourself into this wedding… so sorry to hear this! I hope things work out. Sending good thoughts your way that things will be better!!

Post # 9
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am with the group I am sorry this is happening to you. I would give him his space on this because it might be like everyone else said the wedding is too much pressure for him and he is in panic mode and doesnt know how to communicate about it in the right way. I would say to you that you need to also take sometime to figure out whats best for you and readjust. Yes I am sure you still want to be with him after all of this, but not to be rude its a bad decision we as women make putting our all into men and then forgetting who we are. I mean i learned this the hard way also. I was with my ex for 2 years and one of those we lived together. I supported him through everything even some decisions now that I regret, but he told me one day he wasnt interested in being married!!! WHAT! I didnt see this coming since he had been talking about with it me off and on for a couple of months. I had to go outta town for my job right after this and it gave me time to clear my head. I came back and moved out and didnt look back! I am not saying thats something you should do, but sometimes we all have to step back and say am I still myself!! πŸ™‚

Post # 10
Member
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Oh no, that is awful! I think he is definitely putting the emphasis on the wrong things. You being a little messier? Not doing enough romantic things together? Those are not reasons to call off a marriage, so I doubt fixing those things is going to ‘fix’ the relationship. I think maybe he doesn’t know why he’s really feeling the way he’s feeling so he’s looking for logical ‘reasons’ for his feelings.

I would definitely get involved with a professional. Honestly, if he’s not willing to work hard to rekindle things quickly, I would seriously reconsider the relationship. I know, I know, I’m so sorry – but calling off your wedding 5 months beforehand? Unless he makes a huge effort to turn things around I would seriously question whether this is the right relationship for both of you.

Post # 11
Member
1207 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I am so sorry this is happening to you! **HUGS** I agree with the others, def get some help from a professional counciler.  I also agree with eloping that you may have lost yourself in your relationship with him. If thats the case then this might be a good time to take a breath and get involved in something in your own life that makes you happy, volunteering, book club, gym, etc.  I hope things work out for you.  *HUGS*

Post # 12
Member
2288 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Oh sweetie πŸ™  (((HUGS)))

I agree with everyone, especially those who have said that it’s worrisome that everything seems focused on HIM. What about YOU? You deserve to be with someone who can appreciate you for who YOU are, not what you can do for him. My advice is to take some time away from him and remember who you are and who you want to be. After that, counseling could be very beneficial.

Post # 13
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

I am so sorry to hear about this.

His list of things worries me because those things aren’t really what marriage is all about. (I guess spending time together is important, but it sound like you do that??). 

I think his doubts likely run much deeper and I would urge you not to just call off the wedding and continue in this relationship without seeing a professional therapist who can really get at the root of what the problem is. 

I will say you won’t ruin your chances at happiness – marriage is a huge commitment and if he is not 100% ready to make that commitment to you, you deserve someone who will and will be far happier if you promise yourself you will settle for nothing less.  Getting along, being loving – all that is great.  But that alone is not marriage.  Marriage is partnership, support, trust, love and so much more….

Post # 15
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this πŸ™ I just wanted to say, it is possible to panic and not be sure about the wedding, to work on the relationship and come through a better couple, and end up married – I know this is possible because it’s what happened to us. I got cold feet the first time we were engaged, moved out for a few weeks, then came back. It took another 4 years for me to be ready, we’ve now been married only 6 weeks but it’s wonderful, I’m so happy and I’m so grateful for him having faith in us. So, it’s possible that this could work for you. But only you know if that’s what you want and if you are happy to wait for him, knowing that it could go either way – he might decide he wants to get married, or he might want to break up. You will be giving him a lot of power, in that sense. Are you able to move out for a while and stay with a friend? Some space for you both might really help make sense of things. Best of luck.

Post # 16
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

That stinks! He doesnt feel 5 months is enough time to mend things out with the woman he loves? I mean, if you already set a date and took that step, why back out  now? 

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