(Closed) Help! Fiance cheated 2 years ago. marriage planned in 2 months! What to do?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9482 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m so sorry you are just finding out and this happened to you.  Fortunately, I believe there may still be hope for you two.  It may take up til the wedding to work on this, but if you can find that you trust him again, I really do believe you two will make it through.  In a way, I think he was coming clean because he couldn’t take the guilt anymore and wanted to get it out before you two marry in October.  It’s better to find out now rather than later or never.  

You two need to talk things through.  I would suggest counseling, but you’re obviously in two different countries right now.  It seems like he’s willing to make this work no matter what.  

Best of luck to the both of you.  Follow your heart.  You’re the only one who knows what’s best for you.  (hugs)

Post # 5
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Everyone is different. Some people work to make relationships work after cheating. I’m not one of those people. I would never be able to forgive it, even if he could somehow guarantee it would never happen again. I would not be able to get past it, especially of I found out 2 years later. I would look at all the things I did for him for the past two years thinking he was a good, loyal man while he held his dirty secret from me. I would feel too wronged. 

And yes, to me it does make a difference that he was caught and told you vs coming clean to start a marriage in honesty. He might have never told you otherwise. He just wanted it to die. It tells me that for all of his “we’ve grown so much” and “come so far” he was still hiding his cheating from you. A real man would have come clean.

Most of all, I would feel tricked in all of this. If he told you right after he did it, would you have left him? He grudgingly told you only after you were seriously committed to him.. but what other secrets might he have? 

Post # 7
Member
9482 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

@amidon:  It does make a difference that he was “caught” rather than confessed on his own.  That really does change my answer, but I stick by what I said at the end of my post – “You’re the only one who knows what’s best for you.”  

Post # 8
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

Hmmm… I’m inclinded to agree with MissPumpkinPie here.

My guy cheated on his previous girlfriend with an ex of his. This was before me, and they were in a crazy relationship.

When I found out I was really angry – even though he hadn’t cheated on me! I’ve never been cheated on, but I heard the ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ phrase and I believed it.

We had some huge conversations about it and he told me that he was in a bad place and she just happened to be there. But despite how crazy his then-girlfriend was, he felt terrible about it.

Would he do that again? Absolutely not. And I trust him more than 100%.

He made a mistake and he realised it. He’s moving to another country because of you. He asked you to marry him.

I’m just throwing this out there because it sounds like the guy is geniunely sorry and sometimes I do agree that it’s better to not say anything than break someone’s heart because of a stupid, stupid mistake.

Can I ask how you came across the message? What did it say? And what do YOU think about the whole thing? Do you want to stay with him but feel as though you should break up because of what happened? Or do you want to break up but feel as though you should carry on because of the money involved in moving and getting married and think you should give it a shot?

Post # 10
Member
533 posts
Busy bee

Can you get past this? Can you let it go and trust him 100%? For me personally I’d tell him to fuck off. Using the we were having a rocky relationship line doesn’t cut it. What if this isn’t the only time, he is only fessing up because you caught him out. I’d never be able to trust him again.

I was cheated on. It is the most awful feeling. I never ever wanted to be with that person or be in the same room as them.

Post # 11
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

@amidon:  oh sweetie that’s okay! 

how about you do a middle ground and postpone the wedding? no one needs to know if you don’t want them to (I know I wouldn’t, as I don’t like other people butting in my business and thinking they know everything).

Is there a reason why you’re getting married so soon? a 5 month engagement is pretty short!

Could you maybe move in together, see how it goes living together for a while and then get married?

It’s going to take time for you to adjust to this and take everything onboard, and you two not having lived together before will throw in a whole new set of things to deal with! Then you can maybe see how it goes, how you find living with him and how you feel about trusting him. Things might change when you’re living together as you’re not going to be thinking “omg i don’t know what he’s doing” kind of thing.

It’s not ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’. Sometimes people just make huge mistakes.

*massive hugs*

Post # 14
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

@amidon:  it sounds to me like you’ve made up your mind Smile

you’ve thanked me on two replies now and I think it’s because i’ve voiced what you wanted to hear.

And that’s all you need to know – what you really think deep down inside.

Good luck to the two of you, you’ll get through this xx

Post # 15
Member
7606 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Who stays the night and just gets a beej?

OP, it sounds like you’re planning on staying with him.  It also sounds like you were “on and off” so maybe I can see how it happened.  Still, it was selfish of him to wait until you were much more emotionally involved (engaged, etc) for him to tell you.

I hope it all works out for you.

Post # 16
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

You mentioned that it was a bad year with some on and off to the relationship? To me it would matter a lot if the relationship was on or off at the time. If it was off and he thought it was really over then I’m not sure that it is truly cheating?

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