(Closed) Help – Fiance hates bridesmaid

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
14 posts
Newbee

That’s a tough situation to be in! It really stinks that your fiance is forcing you to be rude back to your friend!

I think you should explain to your fiance that yes, your friend is occasionally rude and overprotective of you. My fiance doesn’t like all of my friends either (my best friend is known to be completely nuts almost all of the time, and I have another long-time friend who’s awkward, rude, and frequently grating on everyone’s nerves). But here’s the thing: these girls love me and would do anything for me, and I feel the same about them. I’m sure that’s how you feel about your friend.

Cutting someone out of a very important part of your life (and potentially for the rest of your life) for one transgression? Even if it’s partially because she doesn’t feel she should apologize, the truth is that eventually, you’ll probably make up, and eventually it’s possible that she and your fiance could even be friends as well. So, don’t just give in to his demand, even though being a bride is stressful, and this is just adding more stress for you.

Tell him you know she can be rude, but you need him to at least tolerate her because she has some good qualities he hasn’t gotten the chance to see yet, and she’s been a very important part of the life that led you to marry him.  Tell her that you need her to tell him that she supports your marriage unconditionally, and that she’s thrilled for both of you (if she’s not, that’s the point at which you say to her “How can I have you in my wedding if you don’t want me to get married?”).

Post # 4
Member
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

have you talked to her to explain that while you appreciate her watching out for you, asking someone about their financial situation is inappropriate? just tell her that it would mean a lot to you (and your friendship) if the three of you could go out for a drink (or dinner, whatever) and try to work past some things. i think the more open and honest you are with her, the better things will be. it’s not smart to lose a friend whom you’ve said has always been there for you and was looking out for you, just because your fiance doesn’t like her…but that’s just my opinion. i also think that he should be a little bit more open about accepting her as one of your friends. they have at least one thing in common – they both love you – and maybe that will be enough for them to move past their differences. i hope things work out for you!!

Post # 5
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

First, if she isn’t going to apologize and be sincere why would he want an apology?  She obviously thinks she was being a good friend in making sure this guy was going to do right by you, so she doesn’t think she did anything wrong.  Personally, I don’t think you should lose a friend over the fact that she was trying to make sure this guy wasn’t going to hurt you.  I think you need to tell him that the two of them need to talk about it rather than sending snarky e-mails to one another.  Maybe he should say something like, “Look, I know you were doing what you thought was right and looking out for {your name} but I really thought it was kind of invasive.” Then see where the conversation goes from there.  If you’re all adults, you should be able to work this out like adults and have a calm, rational conversation.  And don’t put blame completely on your friend, she was trying to be a good friend to you.

Post # 6
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Woah, wait a minute. A couple things about this situation bother me right off the bat. First of all, your Fiance almost broke up with you b/c your friend was rude to him when you didn’t know anything about it???!! WHAAAAT?? Am I the only one finding something wrong with this picture?? That is really messed up and I would seriously talk to him about that. Obviously, the two of you aren’t going to like every single family/friend connected to your relationship and as long as you support/stick up for each other it should never be an issue.

Second, why do you want your friend to apologize to Fiance so bad? She was obviously just being protective of you. You don’t list your age, are you much younger than him? I could absolutely understand a friend being hesitant if I got engaged within a couple months of meeting someone and definitely would understand if they tried to feel him out a little.

From what you’ve said, I think your Fiance is being a little immature and should try to be more understanding of your friend’s hesitations. If anything he should be trying to prove himself! Honestly, the only reason my Fiance ever has a problem with any of my friends is if they hurt my feelings by being neglectful to our friendship. This situation wouldn’t qualify.

Post # 7
Member
5388 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Well, I would usually object to having anyone in my wedding who disrespected my FH. However, she had good intentions and my FH would have forgiven her and moved on (even if she didn’t appologize). She did really go over board by asking him his personal business. Is she still like this with him?

Also, by your FH not going to the wedding with you, he would add more fuel to the fire and give her something else to talk about.

Post # 8
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree with moderndaisy. While the questions she asked were inappropriate and she shouldnt’ve asked them, she did so because she cared about you alot and she probably doesn’t feel like she did anything wrong because she was simply looking out for you. I think it’s awful that your fiance is trying to force you into a really hard situation because he didn’t like the questions she asked forever ago. It’s time to get over it. And he definitely shouldnt’ve ever considered breaking up with you because of your friend, that makes no sense.

I think he’s being pretty childish by trying to kick her out of your wedding for something that happened when you first started dating. Yes she’s being stubborn by not apologizing, but that doesn’t mean she’s a horrible friend and should be kicked out of your life. I think they should both just agree to put it behind them and move on from there, rather than forcing you to hurt your friendship because your fiance is holding a grudge. Having a friend who is a little overprotective is not a good enough excuse to ruin the friendship and I really hope your fiance can realize that. Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I may be in the minority here but I think it was REALLY rude of your friend to grill your Fiance behind your back! I can’t stand my bff’s Fiance but when I have an issue with him I bring it up with her first to get her perspective! I would never DREAM of attacking him (which is in essence what your friend did!) over an issue without trying to see more than one side to the story. I think your Fiance is right to want an apology because in my opinion she was WAY out of line. It’s one thing to be a concerned friend and another to be a self-imposed receptionist/accountant/bouncer for a friend.

Post # 10
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

He doesn’t have to like her for her to be in your wedding party and he needs to just get over it. I don’t particularly care for my FI’s best man but I’m not telling him who to pick in his wedding party because it’s not my place. Was she a little psycho in the way she grilled him? Yeah, but she was coming from a good place because she was looking out for you. I’m sure she doesn’t think she was wrong for doing so. So, yeah, basically my answer is your Fiance is being overly sensitive and needs to just deal with it. Once you’re married he won’t have to deal with her ever so he can suck it up for a weekend and pretend everyone gets along.

Post # 11
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I agree with the bees who think your Fiance needs to get a hold of himself here. Why do you want her to apologize for something that obviously happened a year ago. Why is this still an issue for him? Though I think some of the things she may have asked him were inappropriate, she was looking out for you as a friend and shouldn’t have to apologize for that. And your Fiance expecting an apology goes to show that he’s not over the incident that happened so long ago.

I’m just not cool with him getting upset about not wanting to go to your friend’s rehearsal dinner b/c it’s on his birthday. Again, just shows some immaturity there, and this is a friend of yours. I don’t care how much he doesn’t like her. You obviously mean a lot to each other if she grilled him like this to beginwith and you’re in each others’ weddings. I say your Fiance needs to let it go and stop holding a grudge.

Post # 12
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m with the group here.  I think your fiance needs to just get over it.  Your friend’s tactics may not have been the best but she was only thinking of protecting her friend, who she loves.  I also was VERY taken aback that he was thinking of breaking up with you because of your friend’s actions.. doesn’t that concern you? And the issue about having a rehearsal dinner on his birthday clearly shows his immaturity.  I am in a wedding this summer and the wedding day is my husband’s birthday and he’s just psyched he has a good party to go to.

Post # 13
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I 100% agree with Potatoes (and a few others).  This friend had NO RIGHT to grill him like that, and is just making the situation worse by acting all self righteous about it now.  If she DID genuinly care about your friendship, then she’d get her act together and try to make peace with your Fiance.  You’re getting married now, and so your alliance will (should?!) be with your FH – thus it’s her loss if she’s going to remain difficult. 

That being said, you may want to try to your Fiance about it, to calm him down a little.  Does this girl have a history of doing this in the past?  Did she single him out, or is she over-protective with everyone else?  I agree that the three of you should go out for dinner and try to make peace – or at least learn to tolerate eachothers’ company. 

Post # 14
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

^ Said it better than I did. Thanks. 🙂

Post # 15
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Okay, one big issue that is bothering me is the fact that you stated that your Fiance is a “a 35 year old grown man,” yet he can’t put something like this a side for your tranquility? With all due respect, it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to compromise. On the other hand, I think your friend should realize that his intentions were serious since you are on the verge of marriage! I think that when you reach a certain age or have the mental capacity to see the big picture, things like this will no longer bother you.

 

I absolutely hate my FI’s bff and unfortunately he hates my bff too because he thinks she’s a bad influence. However, we both understand that we don’t have to like eachother’s friends as long as we respect them and tolerate them to a certain extent; while understanding that they have great qualities which is the reason why we each appreciate them.

Post # 16
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Your Fiance hates your bridesmaid because she asked some inappropriate questions? IMO, not a big deal. She was being very sisterly. Plus, he didn’t have to answer her questions. He could’ve said something to ease her mind and say, “look i really love her, don’t worry, it’ll all be good!”. This happened so long ago and he is STILL holding a grudge over it. At 35, a little ridic. Time to let it go and realize your friend was just being a little rude and had the wrong approach.

Heck, I remember when a friend of mine was talking marriage at 2-3 months. They’d only had a few dates at that time. Our mutual friend and I basically grilled her about him and were like “ugh please wait! you don’t know him yet!”. Luckily, she realized we were just trying to be her friend about it and point out things she probably couldn’t see b/c she was too blinded by love. Yes, they ended up getting married and are happy. And her husband doesn’t hate us. And he’s 27. So…at 35, I really do think he should just brush it off and go to the rehearsal dinner.

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