Post # 1
Member
14 posts
Newbee
Hi bees,
Last night my fiance, in a very emotional and heartfelt conversation, revealed to me that he has been experiencing suicidal thoughts and that it happens after we have a disagreement or after I am emotional about something. He said that he would never act on them and hasn’t taken any steps to do so but he fantasizes about it as an escape route. I tried to be there for him and thanked him for being open (he is a very emotionally closed off person) and told him that this seems like something that a therapist can help him with so that he can get better faster.
He said he’d consider seeing someone but also told me that I should see someone. He views displays of emotion from me as something I need to fix, things like crying because of wedding stress, or being upset about work problems, or even stupid tears because of pms. I have tried to explain that I process my emotions through crying and that it is normal to be stressed about wedding stuff but he says that it takes a toll on him and he feels blamed. I think that I could probably do a better job of reminding him that all I want him to do is listen and to remind him not to take anything I say about him so seriously to heart because he is the most loving and wonderful fiance. I also feel like I should be allowed, every now and then, to bring up something that I am upset about even if it’s dumb like how I got stuck with most of the prep work and cleaning when we had people over.
He told me that last week when we were listening to a short story over a podcast and I started getting emotional because it talked about one spouse dying early and leaving the other alone behind, he had suicidal thoughts. Apparently the trigger was him feeling that our differences are so great because he was enjoying the podcast and relating and I had asked if we could turn it off because I was being put in a bad mood. This is somewhat of a common theme where he gets scared that because we like different tv shows or types of music we shouldn’t be together. A few weeks ago we got into a fight because I asked him to come to a showtunes type concert with me and he didn’t want to. He just told me that afterwards he wrote suicide notes and it helped me feel better.
I feel like I’m in such a terrible and awkward position– I appreciate he shared with me and I want to know what he’s going through and I hope I can ease his pain in some way, but it feels like he is telling me to stop showing emotions and to stop having disagreements with him because that is the trigger. I want to mention that we are VERY good about fighting from my perspective- I grew up with parents that yelled at each other (but love each other and are just loud like that) and we don’t do that. We talk things out logically and quickly come to solutions. But he views just the mere fact that we have disagreements every now and then as “fights” and it sees to take over in his mind and sometimes he thinks we have a bad relationship where we don’t get along.
At this point I’m at a loss. I am trying to analyze the situation logically but the shock, pain, confusion, etc. is clouding my head and I just feel like crying. He made me promise not to tell anyone, which is why I’m on here, because I am an extrovert and I have always felt better about problems by talking about them. I know logically that I am not to blame because I am not causing the thoughts and if he is depressed, which it sounds like he is, then his perspective is somewhat off. I love this man so much and we treat each other so well usually. I think our relationship is great, and it’s so hurtful that he blames me for his pain and doesn’t see right now what we have. I also think that this might pass soon because this is a horrible month for him at work and every year he has basically internalized the stress and tried to break up with me in September. It’s so hard for me to stay strong though and give him the support and comfort he needs while feeling so confused about being blamed and being scared about what I’m going to say in the future that will trigger this in him. I’m also afraid that he is going to call off the wedding or that I will begin to start thinking like him that if we have some differences of tastes abotu music, movies, etc. that we aren’t right for each other. Thanks for listening
Post # 3
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
@anonymousdddd: I am so sorry lovely. 🙁 I am late now (damn wedding bee) but please look up the stages of suicidal thoughts, and discuss with your Fiance.
http://www.unite4life.com/resources/whatisdepression/stagesofsuicide/
This link doesn’t go into great detail but is a good starting point.
Post # 4
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
*internet hugs* i’m so sorry you’re going through this. it’s really unfair he is putting this on you and making you feel as though you aren’t allowed to communicate. you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around your loved ones. BUT i also understand that in his state he is probably not thinking rationally.
I think the key would be therapy – you alone, him alone and couples. i think talking to someone will help you come to terms with how to deal with this situation. i definitely don’t think it sounds like you need counselling for your “crying”. but it might help him feel better if you were seeing someone also.
best of luck… mental illness is really tough to deal with. i feel for you and your SO… i hope you get the help you need. xo.
Post # 5
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
Another person cannot drive one to suicide… a person controls their own happiness. He can only help himself. There is nothing you can do that will make him not feel depressed or suicidal. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. This subject is close to my heart because my cousin committed suicide after finding out his wife of only a few months was being unfaithful. I was shocked and never thought he would do something like that. But I can relate to his feelings of hopelessness in the moment because I have been hurt my other people as well, but I ultimately control my own fate and I choose not to let others effect me to that point. He DEFINITELY needs to see a counselor (and probably you as well just to gain some perspective on the situation and so you do not end up blaming yourself).
Post # 6
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
…. I’m sorry, but those are absolutely RIDICULOUS reasons for him to be feeling that way. I’m sure there has to be a bunch of other stressors, because to use your minor disagreements and your shows of emotion as reasons to off himself? I can’t wrap my head around it. It is NOT OKAY that he thinks that writing about suicide makes him feel better.
There is something much deeper rooted there, and he’s either not aware of it, or doesn’t want to tell you what it is.
He needs help. He needs to talk to someone. IMMEDIATELY. Ignoring it, or you changing how you react to things, isn’t going to solve the problem.
Post # 7
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
It is not your fault at all. He is having an abnormal reaction to stress; it’s not normal to idealize suicide after an argument or disagreement. He needs professional help and you need to support him in getting some help in the form of counseling ASAP. Waiting for it to get better or go away on its own is not a good idea because it could get worse or he could act on it.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_prevention.htm
Post # 8
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand
It’s great that he is open to therapy and although I would never say you need to shut off your emotions, I definitely think he makes a good point in that you should see a therapist too. There may be other ways in dealing with things that bother you aside from crying, but also going may just prove to him that it’s okay and normal to cry about certain things.
Is there anyway to postpone the wedding while you both get your feelings/emotions sorted out?
Post # 9
Member
9885 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
I agree with everyone. This is something very serious that needs professional advice.
((HUGS)) OP. This isn’t your fault but I’m glad he told you – because he really needs to get help for this.
Post # 10
Member
8882 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
First, I don’t think you have done anything wrong. There is nothing wrong with being emotional and it does not seem like you take anything out on him. It seems that he just doesn’t know how to handle emotions.
He should not be blaming you for his thoughts, perhaps he is doing this because he is ashamed and having trouble with his issue. He definitely needs to seek out a therapist for help.
Post # 11
Member
496 posts
Helper bee
Yeah, he needs to see a therapist. You two should probably get some couples counselling as well, but having suicidal thoughts because someone you care about gets a bit emotional over a podcast or having a difficult day at work is definitely not normal. As others have said, this is a deeper-rooted problem that unfortunately he is taking out on you at the moment. Possibly his family was very closed off emotionally so he has never learned how to deal with people close to him expressing their negative feelings. It is absolutely not fair for him to try to get you to stop expressing your normal human emotions because it makes him feel uncomfortable (possibly if you are crying every day/negative all the time, but I doubt that is the case).
So yes – seek help for him and for your relationship. Things can get better, but it is going to take some work and he is going to have to be willing to seek therapy and stick with it for a while.
Post # 12
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
Definitely seek therapy. Both of you. He needs it because he shouldn’t be turning to thoughts of suicide in these instances, and you could use it to help you to handle this. You shouldn’t feel guilty or responsible for the feelings he’s having. Arguments or open discussion shouldn’t lead to suicidal thoughts. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if my Fiance told me this. We both had thoughts of suicide as teens, and we’ve had open discussions about it, but we both were suffering from depression at the time. You need to continue to encourage that he seek help with these thoughts.
Please remember, you can’t let yourself feel guilty. You aren’t causing his thoughts. You aren’t wrong for crying about things, and you should be able to communicate with your SO. In fact, you need to be able to without fear of what might happen if you bring something up in the future.
Post # 13
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
@anonymousdddd: OK, first it is NOT your fault.
He definitely needs help, because many many people whom do not show emotion, or like to experience, do not jump to suicidal thoughts when emotion happens. That is very unhealthy, as you know, and incredibly scary.
Second, you handled his honesty about HIS feelings in a way he should be able to handle your ’emotional outbursts’ by accepting them to be true, and then re-assuring the other person that it is OK, or will be OK. It seems completely unfair for him to be asking you to stop sharing, so that he does not need to ‘feel bad’, all the while he is telling you that he sometimes ‘feels bad’, and you are re-assuring him that you love him no matter what!
That a lot for you take in, and Im sorry. Out of both sides, I feel in this instance, he should be the one to change/adapt. Being emotionally closed off is a hard mountain to climb, as far as being open for change. Being emotional/open/honest, and sharing your feelings, especially with your SO/FI/DH is incredibly important. Having fear that if you DO, he will get suicidal is frightening, to say the least.
Post # 14
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@anonymousdddd: The only thing you can control in life is your own reactions. Your man can’t blame you for how he deals with stress. I absolutely hate crying and annoying displays of emotion too. It makes me want to just walk away (which I often do) and talk to the person when they are feeling more logical and in control.
However, I can go through life telling others how to behave. I can’t tell them that their feelings aren’t valid and that they can’t cry or put extra stress on me. All I can do is control how I react to that situation. Perhaps you do need healthy outlets for your stress, but it sounds to me like your man is the one who needs professional help.
If your partner is upset and crying, your answer shouldn’t be so extreme as to want to kill yourself to escape them. You should want to comfort them and work through the issue. Perhaps you two need to work on aligning your communication styles a bit more, but I definitely think anyone even considering suicide should seek help.
Post # 15
Member
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
@anonymousdddd: It is NOT NOT NOT your fault that your Fiance is having suicidal thoughts.
He is deeply troubled on the inside, and he REALLY needs therapy.
Don’t let him deflect this on you–and it may get better but will probably get worse if left alone.
Post # 16
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
@anonymousdddd: My FI’s brother and SIL went through the same thing. This does NOT mean that you are at fault. His brother moved back to his parents for a little to regain focus but SIL stayed in their house. He also switched jobs because he was miserable there. He also went to counseling to figure things out. They have been happily married awhile and he is much better!!
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