(Closed) Help! Fiance wants courthouse wedding before big wedding

posted 6 years ago in Traditions
Post # 17
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

In your situation, just do it. You don’t have to lie to people…just say that you are having a ceremony at the courthouse beforehand but still want to celebrate your marriage with everyone once your husband returns. I think most people will understand that you can’t arrange everything prior to him leaving. Furthermore, planning a reception will give you something to focus on while he is gone.

If you can have it sometime near when he is due to come home, that would be even better. Multiple things to celebrate!

Post # 18
Member
2564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

The reason people have a problem with it is for couples who choose to do this in secret and live as if they are not married so they can have a “real” wedding.  It is the attitude that the party matters more than the marriage that bothers some (myself included).

If you had any plans of a church wedding, that might not be possible if you are legally married a year before.   Depending on the church, they won’t “marry” a married couple but will perform a different type of ceremony/blessing.

As long as you don’t hide the fact that you are married from your friends and famiy, I see no problem with getting married legally now and having a celebration with them when your husband returns from deployment.

Post # 19
Member
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Ultimately everyone is free do what they will. But you can’t control other people’s feelings about it.

I don’t see the point in not disclosing that you are already legally married. Friends and family will want to celebrate with you regardless. Especially in the case of military weddings. 

My friend recently went to the court house, if they decide in six months, a year or 5 years later to have a more “wedding/vow renewal”, I’m there. 

IMO its hard to reconcile “it’s nobodies business” once a couple decides to involve guests in their business by inviting them to a public ceremony. If its really one’s business, why not elope and call it a day. Otherwise, why keep it secret? Just my two cents. 

Post # 20
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee

Do it! My new Brother-In-Law is in the army and he and my sister did this. NOTHING was cheapened by it. Just be honest with ppl.

Post # 21
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@lalalanne:  Hi there, I’m a soon-to-be-military-spouse as well! Even though we eventually decided not to go this route and just push our wedding up til before his deployment, we seriously considered the civil ceremony now, bigger celebration route later. This is extremely common in military communities. In addition to the mental security of marriage during a deployment, the monetary difference, there is also a host of qualitative benefits, such as notification if he were to be injured or killed, the ability to visit him in a military hospital, and the ease of your own life when he is gone (access to base, support groups, etc). Honestly, this is practically expected, so if you want to do it, there is no need to hide it from anyone. 

Post # 22
Member
709 posts
Busy bee

@lalalanne:  Do what feels right to you and FI!

Post # 23
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

@lalalanne:  I honestly don’t see the problem with this.  When he gets back, I would go through all the same wedding plans that you were originally going to do.  The only part you’ll leave out is signing the marriage license application because that will already be done.  But I would still have the ceremony as if it was your first, and I wouldn’t mention anything to anyone about already being legally married.  It’s really none of anyone’s business.  If you want the big wedding, then do it!  Don’t let anyone else tell you what to do or what’s right or wrong.  Right and wrong are subjective.

Post # 24
Member
616 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@lalalanne:  I think it’s ridiculous if people judge you for doing it. We have to do it as well because of green card issues – otherwise we would have to be really stressed after the wedding, have to bring in paperwork right after the reception etc – just a nightmare. Do what you want. No one has to know your “real” marriage was before the ceremony with all your friends and family there anyway. It’s your life and marriage. Plus it’s all symbolic anyway. Do what you are both happy with : )

Post # 25
Member
616 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@bklynbridetobe:  I’m interested-why do people have to know they already got married? I really am asking to find out, I don’t understand what the problem is.

Post # 27
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@lalalanne:  If you read my past posts, you will see that I am very very opposed to people not disclosing the fact that they are already married…except in the case of military service. I think you guys play by a whole different set of rules, and while I am flat out appalled by people who dont have enough repect for their friends/family to tell them they are already married-I don’t think anyone who is not in a military relationship can judge at all if a military couple chooses to hide it.

That being said, I still think honesty is the best policy, and that no one will be upset, offended, or not attend the wedding because you decided to get married earlier because if the military.

Please thank him for his service and congrats to you both!

Post # 28
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@lalalanne:  I agree with other PPs! My husband and I got married when he was on a two month break during a year long deployment. We were honest with all friends and family (we even had all immediate family present for the civil ceremony), and we continued to plan our “wedding celebration” which was a destination wedding in Austin. Both were beautiful, and no one cared that we had two or that one was destination. We had two fabulous celebrations filled with love, family, and friends. Darling Husband did not want to lie, and I only considered it for a few minutes, before we decided that it did not work for us.

Post # 29
Member
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@secretbee33:  It’s not problem for me. I personally don’t have to know. I couldn’t care less. Like I said, I’m would be there happily regardless. However, there are some people who would feel mislead.

I genuinely don’t understand the need for secrecy. In the years that I’ve been on the Bee and all the circumstances that I’ve read about. None of them IMO warrant an outright omission of the truth that you are in fact already legally married.

I know for me, I couldn’t look my mom in the face (if she was still alive) and not tell her I’m married because I wanted to wait a few months or year to have ceremony. I couldn’t do it. 

Post # 30
Member
12246 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@DCbride519:  +100000000

I think military brides are TOTALLY excepted from the “don’t have a secret ceremony then a wedding” rule.

People should understand your position! And it’s pretty common among military brides, from what I’ve heard around here!

Post # 31
Member
616 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@bklynbridetobe:  I see – I wouldn’t lie about it if someone asked. But I’m not going to go around announcing it, as I don’t see why it matters. It all seems weird to me. My friends and family love us and would never be petty about whether the wedding was “real” or not. Some of these comments are upsetting (not yours) so I think I’ll stop reading haha

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