(Closed) HELP! FIL putting strain on relationship (long)

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Have you had any problems with him setting boundaries with his family in other areas of your relationship?

Honestly this sounds like you need to talk to him and figure out what the two of you really want. While your opinion is important, he also gets a say because it’s his wedding too. Once you two decide what you want, he needs to lay down the law with his family and not let them come in and take over or make you deal with them.

Post # 4
Member
23 posts
Newbee

@msfahrenheit:  I agree.

 

But I don’t think I agree with you about you being the anti-bride.  The number 1 tradition for weddings is the bride making it clear that it’s all about her.  You have definitely made that clear in your OP.  Laughing

Post # 5
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@allie389:  You need to seriously sit down with your Fiance and have a heart to heart and find a compromise. I know you always wanted a small wedding, but if he comes from a larger and closer family unit it is not fair to shut them out.

If your Fiance loves you, he shoul be willing to sit down and hear you out. Even if your wedding ballons to 75 people, if your Future Mother-In-Law wants her people there she will need to PAY for them;

Does your Fiance want a small intimate wedding as well? If not, then yeah a compromise is needed. But if it makes you uncomforable having a big wedding, maybe a small elopement with parents is needed with a larger reception to follow?

Post # 7
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@allie389:  Wow after reading your latest update, I have two pieces of advice I really hope work. First, stop telling your Mother-In-Law your wedding plans. Have the generic “I’m still trying to decided” or “We’ve already got that covered” and learn the art of “mmmhmm thank you for your input; I will see what I can do”

Second, since your parents are paying, have a set number of people your Future Mother-In-Law can invite to the wedding. Maybe 20 if she behaves. Have your parents talk to her.

But your Fiance needs to learen boundaries. I would get my own account if Fiance still gives away his debit card

Post # 8
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Okay, then I think your first priority should working on the IL issue with your Fiance. This will probably get worse when you get married, so he needs to learn to stand up for you. Premarital counseling can help with this.

As far as the wedding, come up with a budget and decide the number of guests you can afford. Then split that number in half. Let Fiance (and his family) invite half of that number and you and your family can invite the other half. That way you don’t have to intimately involved in who they invite, you can just say “You have XX invites, use them however you want” and they can decide.

Post # 9
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

It definitely seems like you are very very frustrated…which sucks and is sad since this is your day.  Ultimately, you Fiance is going to have to set the boundaries with his parents or you will be the one they will forever dispise and be bitter with. 

In the meantime, I would suggest planning whatever you can without them and then telling them of things (excitedly) once they are set.  This includes them; however, they cannot make changes to things already set.  Of course make sure you and your Fiance are on the same page first b/c it’s his day too.  Most likely, if he hears your reasoning as to why you want something a certain way, I think most FI’s see the importance of it for their brides.  If there’s something he doesn’t agree on, then you may have to compromise, or at least really take to heart as to why he disagrees.  In the end, if you both are ok with certain things and book/contract certain things, the family will have to go along with it. 🙂

Post # 11
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@allie389:  I understand what you are going through. I had female family members who would pressure and try to guilt me. I hate to say it but the time has come to take the bull by the horns and be the bitch bridezilla.

This weddding will set the tone for your marriage. Mother-In-Law can not have authority over your relationship and wedding. As a PP suggested, you two need premartical counseling.

I would call your Mother-In-Law and let her know her friend’s daughter and Fiance are not invited, the guest list is decided and the case is closed. Inform her that you will have a hostess at the door of the venue with the guest list. Tell her you have already invited your FI’s friends. If you are non-confrontational, I would have your mother or DOC call your Mother-In-Law and email her the final list and tell her it is closed.

Post # 12
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@allie389:  Have the final guest list of 20 people written down and email it to your Mother-In-Law and let her know the list is final. Do NOT hesitate to her your parents, who are paying, talk to her.

Then when you send out the invites, have the RSVP card read “We have reserve ___ seats in honor of _____” and WRITE IN the name of the person invited. If they are crass enough to change their rsvp, have someone contact that person and inform them their request WILL NOT be accomidated. ONly those who RSVP yes and are oin the guest list will have seats at the wedding and reception. Anyone crass enough to show up will be turned away. You need to hire a DOC or have a stern friend have a list of thsoe invited who will abide by the list.

Post # 15
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@allie389:  

Allie, I just hope you know I’m not trying to be bossy or know-it-all or anything, just trying to offer some suggestions.  I’m not saying this b/c of anything you said, but just want to clarify b/c I want to make sure I didn’t come off this way.

In your last response, I think it shows she just wants to be involved and do the traditional wedding.  Which you don’t really want neither of.  And if those aren’t your wishes, then it should be done your way.  However, I’m just a big one of being honest, but being sensitive…as these will be your in-laws and people you have to be around the rest of your life.  Having a negative relationship with them, will affect your marriage, so hopefully you can get through the wedding without a fall-out.

Would you be willing to do a bridal show with her, just to give her that? Not that you have to book any vendors or anything, but just to give her the experience.  I don’t know your FI’s family, but if this is her only child (esp. son) where she doesn’t get to do these events with anyone, maybe it’s important to her.  I completely agree with you to plan your wedding YOUR way, but if there’s some things you can do just to help ease tension, it might be worth it in the long run?

Post # 16
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

ps…just saw the pics of the venue after I wrote my post…. BEAUTIFUL!!! You will have such a gorgeous day!!

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