- 5 years ago
Well hello there bee’s. I have not been on Wedding Bee for a long time even though I used to check it compulsively before my July 2012 wedding. I hope everyone is doing great and finding Wedding Bee as useful as I did when I was wedding planning!
So, I have been married 1.5 years now (time seriously flies after the big day) and my hubby (MH for the rest of this thread) and I have ran into our first big problem this past weekend. Don’t get me wrong, we regularly get in little bicker fights and actually our first year of marriage was really hard and had a lot of those, but this is like a “reevaluate the state of your marriage” kind of problem. Please pour a cup of tea or wine as this will be long…
We have been living in our home for almost three years now and it’s a townhouse so we do share a wall with one of our neighbours. This neighbour also happens to go to school with MH (completely coincidental) and they have had a love/hate relationship over the last three years as they’ve butted heads over a few neighbourly things but also have occasionally had a beer together.
Well over the last 2.5 years the neighbour has regularly played his music really loud so we could hear it in our place. It’s never really bothered me too much but has really gotten on the nerve of MH who has gone over to their place 5 – 10 times over the last few years to ask them to turn it down. Many times after I’d gone to bed when I didn’t even realize it. Anyways, the other night it was so loud it knocked one of our photos off the wall and MH got quite mad and then went over there to confront him. One thing led to another and MH ended up having quite a heated discussion with the neighbour where some swear words and very disrespectful words in general were dropped (mostly by MH). MH then came to bed quite mad that night and relayed this story to me and I tried to support him while gently reminding him that he really needs to figure out how to control his anger (he gets REALLY mad and has been known to react instead of controlling it first — a similar situation happend with his sister this past summer.) He is a very stubborn man and has trouble seeing things from others perspectives but that night in bed he agreed with me that it got out of hand and etc.
I thought it was all settled but fast forward to the next day when I get an email from our strata manager asking if she can share my email with the neighbour. I overreacted and called MH telling him that I was very mad I was being dragged into this. He then ended up telling me that he had told the neighbour that he had no respect for his home because he didn’t have to work for it and his parents bought it for him (we are not sure if this is true, just an assumption we’ve had over the years based on a few different things I won’t get into). When I found this out I told MH that I was embarrassed of him and his inability to control himself and his anger and that he had NO right saying that to the neighbour as we have nothing to base that on except assumptions. This led to a fairly big argument but MH seemed to understand where I was coming from and agreed he is not good at controlling his anger and he went next door to apologize. Well he stood out there for about 10 minutes and rang the doorbell three times but the neighbour did not let him in so the apology never happened. And yes he was definitely home we had seen him arrive home out the window a few moments before.
One thing led to another and yesterday (so two days since this whole thing started) we ended up having a BIG CHAT about how MH does not feel supported by me in this situation. How even though he was in the wrong and said some stuff he shouldn’t have to the neighbour I should have stood beside him and supported him and instead I told him I’m embarrassed of him. He then said that he has sacrificed a lot for me and that everything he does is putting me first and I am living a very self-centred life and the whole life we’re living right now is based around me and that he’s very unhappy. It was a really deep and hard conversation that left me in tears for a lot of the day but by the end of the day we’d mostly resolved it and I promised to support him more and he told me that he thinks he’ll be happier when he’s done school and can start working again (has been in school for the past four years, has started hating the program he’s in and school in general, is ready to be done and making money again – is done in April! Yay!)
Fast forward one more night to today when I get an email from the neighbour. Fairly respectful email but said that he will not stand for MH coming to his home and speaking to him in that way and that he has worked very hard for his house and when he tried to tell MH that at school MH did not respond very well (I then find out that MH told the neighbour to get the F out of his face when the neighbour confronted him at school the next day). And then I get upset again, I tell MH that I hate conflict and that even though he thinks this has nothing to do with me the neighbour emailing me is bringing me into it. I tell MH that I do not think he had the right to be so rude to the neighbour and he needs to remember words hurt. We basically get in the exact same fight we did yesterday about me being self-centred and not supporting MH and then MH tells me he can’t live with this for the rest of his life and when he’s done school he’s leaving and going back to our hometown whether I come or not.
All this has led me to seriously question our relationship! Honestly, the first year of marriage was hard and I questioned it a lot but the last 6 – 7 months have been amazing. I love MH so so much and can’t imagine my life without him. That said, moving back to our hometown is pretty much off the table for me. I love my job and have built a life in our new community. I am starting to feel like we got married too young and now as we get older we want very different things in life.
If you read this whole thing; kudo’s. It was therapeutic just to type it out. If you didn’t, here’s the cole’s notes:
1. My husband has (and has admitted to having) anger issues
2. Aforementioned issues led to a big fight with our next door neighbour
3. Husband doesn’t feel supported by me in the above mentioned fight since I told him I was embarrassed of his behaviour
4. This all led to husband telling me that he feels like our life is completely based around my needs and wants and he isn’t happy
5. I am now questioning our relationship as it feels like maybe we got married too young and as we get older we are starting to want very different things in life. I love my husband deeply but I don’t know how much I’m willing to sacrifice for him and completely changing our life to what he wants (he wants to move back to our hometown) would be a huge sacrifice for me.
Any advice, thoughts, words of wisdom would be helpful. Either way it felt good to type all this out and tell cyber space as I haven’t told anyone about this yet. Happy Sunday evening bee’s.