Post # 1
I got engaged in July and we’ve set a 2016 date so we’ve got tons of time to plan. I love the idea of just basking in engagement. However, as soon as I told a friend (whom I’ve known for almost a decade but am not nearly as close to as we once were) she started asking about the bridal party and dropping hints about wanting the MOH position. I’ve already chosen my best friend, whom I know less time but am nearly inseparable from. The friend that’s been hint dropping has never really loooooved how close my bff and I are, as there was a time we were all fairly close. Additionaly, the friend I’ve picked for MOH is MUCH more dependable and organized. Hint-dropper is very much a ‘free sprirt’ we’ll call her. I can trust my BFF with my life, and it just makes sense that she’d be the one by my side. How do I tell my friend that while I love her and would LOVE her to be a bm, I’ve selected someone else to be the MOH?
Post # 2
MrsKnight521: Ask her to be a bridesmaid. She will soon figure out that she’s not going to be the MOH.
Post # 3
I wouldn’t say *anything* yet. Wait to ask your bridal party until ~9 months before the wedding date. Trust me — relationships can change a lot even in that amount of time, never mind years ahead of the date.
Post # 4
MrsKnight521: If your wedding is so far away, I wouldn’t ask anyone just yet! I would wait until a year out to do that. Things can change suddely and over time!<br /><br />If you do decide to ask sooner, just ask her to be your bridesmaid and she will get the hint.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t tell anyone quite yet. If she keeps asking just say you haven’t even put a final decision on the bridal party and probably won’t until a closer time.
Post # 7
I was in a similar situation as you. When my BFF got married 3 years ago, she asked me to be her MOH over her sister as I lived in the same city and we were closer. She has always assumed that she would be my MOH because I was hers. Well in my head I always wanted my sister to be my MOH. I just could never picture anyone else standing up beside me. So when I told her we were engaged and started talking about it, I just slipped the words BM for her and MOH for my sis into the conversation so she wouldn’t be shocked when I actually asked them. I sent them all a little poem and card in the mail and she called me as soon as she got it to accept and say she is so happy to be one of my BMs. Hopefully your friend will realize that regardless of where she stands there is room for many supportive people in a wedding party!
Post # 8
sounds EXACTLY like the situation i was in. I Swore i would be my friends MOH..turned out i was just her bridesmaid. But you know what? i was SO Happy and relieved that i was not her MOH. She may just be acting that way, because thats how i acted just because i was so sure i was going to be the MOH and i didnt want her to be like why isn’t she excited? But you never know. justing simply tell her hey i want you to be my BM and if she says anything, then just explain to her hey me and so and so are a bit closer then we have been over the last few years but i really want you to be by my side and be a bridesmaid!
Post # 9
As some of you anticipated, time has changed my opinion on this. The wedding is now a year away and it’s time to seriously start planning. Here’s the thing – hint-dropper hasn’t been around for nearly a year!! I saw her shortly after getting engaged (she took me to lunch and got me some bridal magazines) and I haven’t seen or heard from her since! Now I do not want to have her in the bridal party at all. We’ve cut the guest list dramatically (from 262 to 130) and now it seems ridiculous to have 6 BMs up there when we’re only expecting around 100 people to show. I’m struggling with who to cut too, aside from hint-dropper. How do I break the news that I don’t wish to have her in the bridal party? Do I need to justify this? I have no ill will towards her, she’s just super flakey and has pretty much fallen of the face of the planet the last year. FI and I really want this wedding to feel intimate, and homey. I don’t want superficial people in my wedding. I think asking her would take away from the gesture of asking my other BMs to stand up there with me on this momentous day…
Additionally, if you bees would be so kind – I have a new dilemma.
When the guest list was in the 250s, FI and I discussed 6 GMs/BMs each. Now the list has been cut and we think we’d like to cut the party as well. Problem is I have no idea how to go about this.
Originally I had selected:
My best friend – MOH
My older (closest) sister – BM
FSIL – BM
Younger sister I’m sort of close with – BM
Sister I thought of originally but have since been estranged from for 7 months now – BM
Hint-dropper/bff of years past – BM
If I had it my way – the I don’t care who’s feelings are hurt these are MY PEOPLE and who I want up there with me – I would cut the party to (3) and it would be BFF, Older sister and my FSIL. They’re are the one’s I’m in constant contact with, the least dramatic, and most supportive. Etiquette/my overly respectful side is telling me I have 3 sisters, it should obviously be them. I just know that will end in flames. I know I can have who I want, and it’s my day yadda yadda. I know. I just would really appreciate some insight on the ramifications of not making family BMs.
Post # 10
MrsKnight521: We had 94 people and 7 bridesmaids and 9 groomsmen. I don’t think having 6 is ridiculous at all.
Post # 11
MrsKnight521: This is one of those things that just varies wildly by family, so it’s hard to give advice. I know some families where it would be massive, boycott-inducing drama to not include all siblings in the wedding party, and others where it would be no big deal.
If you do care about potential fallout, I would ask your closer sister and maybe your mom what they think, if you can trust them to be discreet about it. If they are horrified, then you might want to include everyone to keep the peace. But if they think it would be fine, then go for it…but keep in mind people surprise you all the time with how they feel about these things when it comes to weddings, so you may find that your siblings react in unexpected ways, so be prepared for that.
Post # 12
MrsKnight521: mannn, i went through like the same thing (from your first post). my only savior is that i went with all family in my bridal party, so she couldn’t really argue with that or admit she was offended. in the end, it did work out okay.
i don’t even really think you need to say anything to hint-dropper. if she pops back up and starts with the hints, just say you kept the bridal party small & intimate and she has been so busy with her life, you’d rather her just come enjoy the party without all the responsibility or something like that.
as for your sister dilema, i got nuttin. i think the PP had a good idea, talk to the close sister and maybe your mom and see what they say. or include the sister your not close with in some other way?
Post # 13
MrsKnight521: How do I break the news that I don’t wish to have her in the bridal party? Do I need to justify this?
Had you previously asked her to be a bridesmaid? If not, then you don’t “break the news” or justify anything. You just ask those you want to be BM’s and say nothing to anyone else. If she asks then just say “We’re trying really hard to have a very intimate wedding now so I cut my BM list down to 3. It was a very difficult decision to make and you know I’d love to have everyone as a BM but this is just what works for us. I hope you understand”. And if you remain close to her, you can always have her included in some other way with the wedding (i.e do a reading at the ceremony or whatever). Same goes for all the other potential BMs.
But, as a PP said, you can have as many BMs as you want. The size of the guest list doesn’t determine the size of the bridal party.
Post # 14
I agree with the PP. Have you already asked her to be a BM? If not, there’s no problem. If you have…well then I don’t know what to tell you. Same goes for the other people that were originally in your bridal party. Have you already asked them?
As far as feeling it’s silly to have a larger bridal party when the wedding is only 130 people, I think that you should have as many people standing up next to you as you want. I’m having a small destination wedding (35 people max) and FI and I are each having 6 people stand up. Who cares?
Post # 15
- Wedding: September 2016 - Simsbury 1820 House
If you haven’t asked her, no problem. Though bridal party size really isn’t dictated by guest list. I’m having 5 BMs (including my MOH) and our guest list is only 60 people.