Help! Friend is hurt she is not the maid of honor

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
31 posts

I think your decision was fine. You were thoughtful to their what they were going through in their needs while still thinking of what you would need for your day. Your friend who is hurt is being selfish and dramatic. It’s understandable that she is sad or disappointed or even a bit hurt. But to tell you that because she’s not Maid/Matron of Honor then she cannot and will not attend your wedding is quite telling. It’s basically either a punishment because she didn’t get her way or emotional blackmail to get you to change your mind and let her get what she wants despite what you need that day and during this process. She’s making your wedding about her and when it should be about you and your Fiance. 

I would tell her that you will be sad that she’s made this decision to not attend only because she didn’t get chosen and hope she reconsiders in light of the 20 year friendship you have with each other. 

Post # 3
1279 posts
Bumble bee

If she doesn’t want to be at a wedding to celebrate with you unless you choose to honor her…

I’d just let her know you’re disappointed and you’ll miss her on your wedding day. 

Post # 4
3292 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think she is just hurting. You didn’t do anything wrong. Give it some time, hopefully she comes around. I think her emotions got the better of her. She probably always just imagined it going down one way and her expectations were high.

Post # 5
3225 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

If you can’t imagine getting married without her…she should have been your Maid/Matron of Honor or otherwise stood up with you. Those are the people who should be standing with you on your wedding day. Sorry, but I can see why she is hurt. You prioritized someone who can do things for you over your busy best friend of 20 years. 

Post # 7
3541 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I don’t understand why you didn’t ask the two of them. I know you didn’t want drama, but by picking one, you got it. With picking both of them, you would have gotten the Maid/Matron of Honor who wanted to be involved, and the Maid/Matron of Honor who may not have been able to help much but you’ve also known for a long time. Let her decide if the cost is too much for her. 

Post # 8
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m afraid I’d be hurt too if I wasn’t asked on the basis I had a busy life/not as much much money. It will come across that you chose based on who was most useful rather than who was the closest friend. I have had the two of them and would probably still ask her after apologising.

Post # 9
12316 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

You were wrong. If this friend is equally close, but passed up because of her finances and what she can do for you, then that was terrible.  MOH is an honor not a job description. Your expectations were out of line. 

Likewise, just because someone is getting married a month before does not mean they can’t stand up for you. Sometimes people choose to do all family in order not to offend any friends or there can be other good reason she didn’t ask you that has nothing to do with her feelings. 

Post # 10
2630 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I don’t understand why picking only one wouldn’t cause drama…?  I would think that by only picking one, you are causing more drama.

You didn’t really do anything wrong, but you did chose one friend over another (based only on that the friend you picked can do more for you).  I think you need to understand how that could really hurt your friend’s feelings.

Post # 11
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

carolinabelle :  agreed…I would be so hurt.  You made your choice, now give her time to process.  Otherwise have bridesmaids….

The simple fact you mentioned the first one of getting married a month before you and didn’t ask you is telling….

People will always come around..

Post # 12
12316 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

overstressedbride :  Normally, yes. If OP had simply asked one friend over the other because one relationship is much closer then everything you say would be appropriate.

But she apparently justified the decision by letting her friend know that it was because of her finances and her ability to “perform.” That is the part that is offensive. In the friend’s place I’d feel the same way, not because I was not asked to be Maid/Matron of Honor but for the way it was done and why. 

Post # 13
6845 posts
Busy Beekeeper

missjitters :  IMO any time you place greater importance upon what someone will do for you than what someone means to you everybody loses. Apologize to your friend and find some way to work things out. 

Post # 14
8919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

missjitters :  If you have 4 friends who are all “equal” then the low-drama options are ask them all or ask none. Selecting 1 of the 4 is the guaranteed way to cause the most drama. Then you set your priorities and chose based on who you think can do more for you. Look at it from your friend’s side. She’s been your BFF for 20 years and now, not only is she not Maid/Matron of Honor but she’s not even a bridesmaid. And the reason is because 1) you’ve judged her finances and decided she can’t afford it, and 2) you think someone else can do more for you. That’s hurtful and I’m not sure it can be fixed.

Post # 15
2469 posts
Buzzing bee

And yet the fact that Girl #1 didn’t ask you to be her bridesmaid apparently bothered you enough to ex life her from your wedding party? 

Sorry, but by ranking your 4 best friends and picking one, you created drama. 

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