(Closed) Help? Future In-Laws Won't Cooperate :(

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

What about if you keep the Vegas idea and let them throw a at-home-reception following the wedding. It could be as many people as they want and they can have it be just as they want. And you’ll still have your perfect wedding.

Post # 4
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

This already seems like a disaster zone – they can’t dictate who can and cannot attend if they aren’t paying – I say don’t accept their money and have the wedding you want!

Post # 5
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@SuperKate:  this.  It sounds as though they’re taking the fun out of your planning and thats shocking.  You and your Fiance will need to present a united front here.  Maybe have your small wedding and then have a party to celebrate?  Get a cake and wear your dress again.  If you tell a venue it’s a party rather than a wedding it won’t cost you as much.  But I’d stick to the maximum you’re comfortable with for that and tell them they will need to cover the cost of any additional people.

Son’t back down this is your day, they’ve had their day, this is yours.  Good luck

Post # 7
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

argh this is tough… Weddings unfortunately are usually associated with really high expectations, and it’s so stressful when people have different views on how things should be done.

My viewpoint is that if you and your fiance are footing the bill, you two make the guest list. End of story. Take your FMIL’s list, your family list, and your friend list and go through them with your Fiance. Create the guest list to your liking and *poof* problem solved! 🙂

Seriously though, if Future Mother-In-Law continues to have a fit, tell her that you have a non-negotiable budget and you are inviting those you can afford to. If she wants to pay for the extra people she wants, then fine. Otherwise, sorry!

Post # 8
365 posts
Helper bee

I would tell them that they can only invite X number of people – and that if they give you more names, you’ll make the cuts yourself, and they may not like your choices. That should help them get the list down to a reasonable number.

But I agree with other bees; this is none of their business, and they don’t get to force you into having a huge event.

Post # 10
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I hate to say this… But it’s only going to get worse the further you are down the planning pipeline!

I’m having the BIG, White wedding for my Future In-Laws…

My fiance’s twin brother eloped and didn’t invite anyone a couple years ago and they whole family was super hurt. So, I was in a pickle. I wanted to have a small destination wedding and then a reception/party later. But, he kinda ruined it for us.

It turns out that my Future In-Laws didn’t even understand what was involved in a wedding. So, here I have to explain everything to them down to what the rehearsal dinner is and that the NEED to be there, even if they aren’t paying for it.

Luckily, my parents could afford the BIG, white wedding… So, that’s not an issue for me.

I would have your fiance fight this battle. What does he want? Mine wanted the wedding, until a few months ago when he realized how much of a pain this has been the whole time and his family doesn’t even appreciate it. They haven’t even sent the RSVP card back yet and we’ve gotten 1/4 of the back!

I feel for ya! But, my advice is do what you want and have your fiance fight the battle for you.

Post # 11
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh wow, that’s tough!  I say to crunch the numbers and present them with the budget so they can see just EXACTLY how expensive a wedding will be, per person, if they have it their way.  Calculate it all down–catering, venue rental, chair rental, alcohol, centerpieces for additional tables, favors, whatever else you can think of.  So say that comes to $150 pp. When they see just how much it costs to have a big wedding, they may come to their senses.  I hope!  I think many people just do not realize how expensive these things get.  Hopefully if they see how expensive it’ll be, it’ll shock them into coming around.

Then tell them they MUST limit their portion of the guestlist, so that you guys have room to invite your own friends.  If they refuse, then tell them that they can have more guests if they are willing to kick in money for them.  If they refuse that, then tell them you are so sorry that you can’t have the wedding in the size they want.  Just make it a clear cut matter of finances and do not engage in back and forth negotiating or arguing with these people.  They sound really unpleasant to deal with.

If they still refuse, then you can use your final nuclear option of the Vegas wedding. If they freak and throw a tantrum, too bad.  Let fiance deal with them–they are his parents and he should be used to handling them. 

Post # 14
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@mspartridge:  agreed

I was in the same situation, we ended up eloing. I was very tired of pleasing everyone else. 

Post # 15
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

This is a tough situation. But you guys are adults and you should assert yourself as such. First thing you Fi should take the lead on dealing with his parents not you, things they forgive him for are the very same things they will demonize you for. Sit down make the choices and tell them this is how it is. If what you guys really want is a Vegas elopement then DO IT!

You guys have allowed them to bully and manipulate you. You also need to sit down with your Fi and work out the best way of him dealing with his parents. Then stand firm by your choices, and he needs to make clear that their are BOTH of your choices so you don’t take the heat with it. Since they are being unreasonable I personally would just end the drama by having the wedding I truly wanted. Then ignore the inlaws and if and when they make comments have a firm statement along the lines of “We already make our choices, so this is how it’s going to be”.

By the way this is setting a horrible track for your married life, they need to learn that they not going to get what they want by acting childish and throwing fits. Good luck!

Post # 16
2965 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves so WE made the guest list. We didn’t ask for any parents’ input.

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