- 2 months ago
- Wedding: October 2019
The reason why your explanation isn’t making sense to me is because it gives the impression that someone who is not married (and especially not living under the same roof) has no nuclear family. Just out of curiosity, who is considered to be part of the nuclear family for a 20-something, fully financially independent adult living on their own but unmarried? How about a 80 or 90-something widowed parent not living with any of their kids? Are those two people considered to have no nuclear family at all?
When I was growing up, my grandparents (who lived 25 minutes away) were over literally most days of the week. I’m not exaggerating. My recollection was 4-5. There were some minor conflicts and times my parents told my grandparents that they were going to do things differently, but overall there was a very close knit relationship. I couldn’t imagine what that relationship would be like if my parents treated them like extended family.
You are literally the perfect example of the person who offers unhelpful advice on posts like this about family members with toxic behaviors because your advice is based on the assumption that people are all kind and emotionally mature. It’s great that growing up you had what sounds like a healthy family dynamic. The mil in THIS SPECIFIC situation does NOT display normal healthy behaviors. So that requires a different strategy.
Yes, you’re absolutely right that when you get married, you should become less emotionally open with your parents. It is not appropriate to discuss private matters between you and your spouse with your parents or siblings. If you and your spouse have a sexual problem, do Mommy and Daddy need to help you with that? If you and your spouse have to make decisions about your children, that’s not for your parents to be involved in. Your primary concern is now your spouse and children, period. Parents and sibling can become secondary concerns, aunts and uncles tertiary, and so on (or however you arrange those other circles of people in your life).
Not making these kinds of changes to your priorities toward others and in emotional closeness is strange and co-dependent seeming. Not making these very important changes is what causes parents to rule their adult children’s lives, meddling in their personal business and causing strife all around. It’s not healthy.