Help! Future MIL stressing me out about guest list

posted 2 months ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
2081 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@bouviebee:  exactly. And posts about toxic family members and setting boundaries ALWAYS brings at least one commenter who doesn’t understand why eveyone can’t just be nice and all get along becuase they have no experience with that type of toxic and demanding behavior. Their advice is based on dealing with a logical and normal person when obviously that’s not what the OP is dealing with. 

Post # 32
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810 posts
Busy bee

 

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@bouviebee:  I’m not going to derail this thread, but I do agree with you that someone who gets married starts their own nuclear family.  But I have always thought that those people are part of two nuclear families, one with their parents and siblings and one with their spouse and children.

The reason why your explanation isn’t making sense to me is because it gives the impression that someone who is not married (and especially not living under the same roof) has no nuclear family.  Just out of curiosity, who is considered to be part of the nuclear family for a 20-something, fully financially independent adult living on their own but unmarried?  How about a 80 or 90-something widowed parent not living with any of their kids?  Are those two people considered to have no nuclear family at all?

Post # 33
Member
810 posts
Busy bee

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@mrsssb:  I get it, you should put each other’s feelings first, that’s the whole point of leaving your parents’ house.  Even if you weren’t married, you’d put your own feelings above those of your parents as an independent adult, right?  But that doesn’t have to mean your parents are extended family.  Even if they are part of your nuclear family, you’re going to prioritize your own needs (and those of your husband) over the needs of your parents and siblings.  And even within what you definitely consider to be nuclear family, are you going to prioritize your children above your husband?  You might…but some people wouldn’t.  I’m just saying that even after you get married, your parents and siblings (if you have a good relationship) are supposed to be closer to you than your uncles, aunts, and cousins.  If they’re all extended family to you, that means you’re intentionally making them less close, and that’s a shame.

When I was growing up, my grandparents (who lived 25 minutes away) were over literally most days of the week.  I’m not exaggerating.  My recollection was 4-5.  There were some minor conflicts and times my parents told my grandparents that they were going to do things differently, but overall there was a very close knit relationship.  I couldn’t imagine what that relationship would be like if my parents treated them like extended family.

Post # 34
Member
2081 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@stateofbeeing:  you are being willfully ignorant of peoples replies to you. You are picking apart the definition of nuclear family just to pick it apart. My and others comments were very clear on what we meant. 

You are literally the perfect example of the person who offers unhelpful advice on posts like this about family members with toxic behaviors because your advice is based on the assumption that people are all kind and emotionally mature.  It’s great that growing up you had what sounds like a healthy family dynamic. The mil in THIS SPECIFIC situation does NOT display normal healthy behaviors. So that requires a different strategy. 

Post # 35
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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@stateofbeeing:  “If they’re all extended family to you, that means you’re intentionally making them less close, and that’s a shame.”

Yes, you’re absolutely right that when you get married, you should become less emotionally open with your parents. It is not appropriate to discuss private matters between you and your spouse with your parents or siblings. If you and your spouse have a sexual problem, do Mommy and Daddy need to help you with that? If you and your spouse have to make decisions about your children, that’s not for your parents to be involved in. Your primary concern is now your spouse and children, period. Parents and sibling can become secondary concerns, aunts and uncles tertiary, and so on (or however you arrange those other circles of people in your life). 

Not making these kinds of changes to your priorities toward others and in emotional closeness is strange and co-dependent seeming. Not making these very important changes is what causes parents to rule their adult children’s lives, meddling in their personal business and causing strife all around. It’s not healthy. 

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