- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
Hi everyone! My first time visiting the boards, and I’m hoping to get some insight to my situation, especially from anyone here who is familiar with Vietnamese culture, married to someone Vietnamese (or even Vietnames themselves!)
My fiance is Vietnamese American and the most wonderful man I’ve ever known. I couldn’t be happier that we are getting married in a few months. However, his mother, is a different story. She was born and raised in Vietnam and came here with him and his sister when she was probably in her twenties. Needless to say, she’s had a hard life.
In a nutshell, she doens’t like me all that much. I imagine some of it has to do with her expectations which are not being met. I’m not Vietnamese, I don’t speak Vietnamese, and I am not Catholic (I’m Baptist). And her son spends all his time with me and not her. (Actually, he doesn’t, but she thinks he does. He’s a resident doctor and barely has time to breath; but she doesn’t really get what that means).
Now we are engaged; I’ve met all of his family and they are all great, minus his mother. Realistically, she acts fairly poorly to her family. Example: She told my fiance to cut his hair or else he would embarrass her in front of her friends. Generally, she’s pretty outrageous, but my fiance, his sisters and brother and everyone else in the family just say, “That’s just mom, it’s the way she is.” As if this deems the behavior acceptable, and we should all expect it and move on.
This is all well and fine, but very disheartening to me. For example, whenever we go to her house, I always go up to her and say hello and ask how she’s been/what she’s been up to. She doesn’t answer me. All I get is a grunt. However, she then turns around and tells my fiance/his brother’s that “I never greet her when I come in and I’m very rude”. Okay. So obviously this is warped and my fiance understands what she’s doing to me. But he responds to it with, “Just make sure you say hello.”
He has said that if I want a relationship with her, I will have to be the one to try because she’s not going to and that won’t ever change, because ‘that’s how she is’. And if I don’t want one with her, then I won’t have one. And he, doesn’t care either way; he will love me regardless of what his mother thinks/says. Well fine.
Yet I’m not certain I buy this. He may or may not mean it, but either way I still feel bad. It’s his mom and I feel I should have a relationship with her, because I love him so much; and I want him to be relaxed and happy. Yet, for that to happen, it will all be on me; and I feel like I will somehow be rewarding her bad behavior, which goes against all I stand for. It feels somewhat unfair that I’m the one expected to do the work. I guess I wish that when she says, “She never talks to me when she comes over, all I want is for her to talk to me”, that he would respond with, “Well why don’t you talk to her? It’s not all up to her you know.” Instead of just telling me that it’s my job to do it.
Am I being unreasonable?