Post # 1
I was wondering if anyone either has any advice, or at least can sympathize with me? I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I still live with my parents, because I don’t feel right about moving in with him until we’re engaged (I come from a strict, Italian family).
Anyways, my boyfriend is divorced (he’s only 31, but married his high school sweetheart, which ended up being a disaster), so getting him to even talk about the “M word” without looking like he was going to pass out took a little over a year.
So…Now we’re at the point where he says he has a plan and that we we would be engaged and house hunting by the summer–but that he wants it to be a surprise.
So that’s the problem? I dont know. Maybe someone can tell me? LOL. I can’t stop thinking about it. I dream about it. I am going nuts. I see our married/engaged friends and I get jeolous and take it out on him. I get mad at him all the time, because I dont understand why it can’t happen NOW, when he knows it’s so important to me. He knows that I dont care about the surprise and I would be happy to just go and pick out the ring together. Surprises make me anxious! I could care less if it’s the picture perfect proposal–I just want to be engaged, get married, and spend the rest of my life w/ him!
It sucks, because I feel like my life is on hold. I am also stressed because I am literally living out of my car, going back and forth to my parent’s house and his. I complain that I am sick of packing, he tells me to just move in, and I say ‘NO, I’m not moving in without the ring” and then that always starts a huge argument.
I need to be patient because I know I am driving him nuts. Any tips? I love him and of course don’t want to drive him nuts anymore! I already go to the gym almost 2 hours a day, so please dont tell me to take up Yoga:) hahahaha.
Post # 3
WaitinginNH-hang in there. I think its important to wait until youre engaged before moving in/buying a house/talking about super serious future. I know its frustrating… me and my fiance got engaged after dating two years and after the first year i was pretty anxious. I basically gave my fiance my five year plan and let him know i see marriage, house, kids, and all that but i couldnt discuss more with him until i knew he was on the right page. After i had that talk with him he knew where i was in the relationship and our engagement came a few months after that. I know its frustrating but it sounds like maybe you should have a talk with him, get it off your chest, and then maybe you wont be harboring these feelings because youll have gotten them out. anyways, hang in there because it sounds like its coming sooner than later! And let us know!!
Post # 4
And also maybe its taking him awhile to propose because he is saving up for your super great ring?!?!
Post # 5
Hey..I agree with Student…I definitely would be waiting until making large decisions. I do hear what you’re saying – he’s basically telling you its coming without giving you details. Its like saying you’ll be getting that annual raise sometime between now and next year…..Gee, thanks.
On one hand I know how special it was for my FH to figure out and propose on his own – he even designed the ring. He put a lot of thought into it and tried his hardes to make it special for us. I know that you say you’re content just picking out a ring and just saying “ok, this is it! We’re doing it!” but maybe thats not how he sees this all going down…maybe he really wants to ask you in a memorable moment. He does need some credit for even considering this again after what sounds like a bad first time experience (I found out the hard way after 3 yrs with my last boyfriend that he just wouldnt commit after that first bad marriage).
With that being said – I don’t think you should just be dangling on the end of the rope either 🙂 As a woman I completely feel your pain, and some of this just isnt fair. Like Student said – you need to have a conversation with him and be open and honest. Set some rules/goals (or just enforce the ones you already have – like the not moving in) and explain in a very calm manner how you feel, what you don’t like, and what you expect. He’ll respect you for it and maybe you’ll see a change – we can all hope! 🙂
Hang in there girlie!
Post # 6
Thanks studentbride–and congrats on your engagement. When is your wedding? 🙂
See, the problem is–I have gotten it off my chest…and way too often. I have brought it up so much and hammored it into his head relentlessly. I think part of me is scared and insecure that he won’t actually end up doing it– Honestly, if it weren’t for my values, he would be perfectly content living together for the rest our lives, and not actually getting married. UGH. But he loves me and I know he will–I am just going crazy waiting. I really don’t know what to do! I have never had such a short temper and such a bitchy attitude w/ him (excuse my french).
Post # 7
Thanks SXMBride..:) Congrats on your engagement as well!
I am glad you can relate. I like the analogy you gave about the raise, made me laugh…so true.
So…when you were waiting…what kept you sane? I don’t want to be a bitch to him anymore. Then he really won’t want to marry me! I feel like he’s put up with a lot of crap and meltdowns from me…ugh. The guilt..the guilt..
Post # 8
First – quit talking about it, to him (and really in general) the more you go over it the more frustrated you will be.
Second – get a hobby, scrap booking, knitting, drinking (just joking), take exercise classes: whatever, just to get your mind off of it.
If all else fails just cut off any forms of sexual contact until you get the ring (LOL – just joking – kind of)
Honestly – he knows the plan, and getting on his case is just going to frustrate him.
Post # 9
Thanks! The wedding is in… 16 days!! 😀 i guess i got so excited when i got engaged i wasnt thinking how much stuff needs to actually go into planning a wedding, but it went fast and im excited!
But i know its frustrating and like Ms Mini said.. stop talking about it, if he knows what you want then theres not much else you can do. i found when i talked about rings/weddings/engagements/when are we getting engaged? that i felt a little cheap about the whole thing and even more annoyed that he hadnt commited yet. I guess im sort of non confrontational so i bought up wanting to get engaged only once and left it at that. And honestly? When he proposed i was happy but not surprised and i really wish i hadnt harbored on getting engaged so much because… it was just like “finally” and i would have liked for it to be more like “YAYYYYY” But you know i wish i would have weddingbee while i was wating for six months to get engaged… because it helps to vent to someone, i had my friends to vent to but i got more envolved in homework (getting good grades actually happened haha) but getting on a board and reading about others engagements/woes about wanting to getting engaged/some diy projects for wedding planning would have def helped me. It sounds like youre sticking to your guns and im proud of you, soooo i guess the waiting is in full force… i know how it feels but it sounds like all you can do is wait, grab a good book, learn how to cook because thats what i did haha…
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School
I’ve totally been on your situation and can sympathize, it sucks! I did the same things, getting jealous of engaged/married friends, literally having dreams about the proposal, stalking rings online, it was horrible…I think the hardest thing is not knowing, and therefore not having control of this majorly important event in one’s life! I don’t have much advice bc honestly, nothing helped and I think FH actually proposed earlier than he was originally thinking just bc we were fighting almost every weekend about it!
Try to not talk about it, if you somehow can, and just remember, it will be totally worth waiting for the in end, bc it’s an incredible moment when it happens!
Post # 11
Ms Mini – you’re funny…I know, I should with-hold sex from him! hahahaha jk:) ya, I should try to find a new hobby to keep my mind off all of this…
Studentbride – 16 days! That’s awesome! What’s it like planning a Fall/Winter wedding? It seems like everyone gets married in the Spring/Summer, so I bet it’s nice to do something different.
Trailmix – I am sooooo glad you can relate. Yes, I forgot to mention I am also having dreams and stalking rings online. I one time found a random piece of paper lying around his house with a random last name written on it, and I convinced myself it was a ring place and after I did research, I couldnt find it anywhere as being a ring place and was completely devastated…hahaha. But the fighting every weekend about it –that’s what’s happening to us. How did your fights start? Did you fight all the way up until it happened or were you able to calm yourself down?
Post # 12
When I was waiting, I was shocked at how anxious and upset I felt most of the time. It’s true that the pre-engagement period can be a hugely stressful time for a couple, and I think for me (and for a lot of women) it was the loss of control that I felt. I didn’t think it was fair that it was up to him when we got engaged. I wanted to be able to plan my future. I knew we would eventually get engaged but I hated not knowing when it would be. Just know that you are *not* alone in this and it is very common! I wish I had some advice for you but the only thing that finally made me calm down when I was waiting was when my fiance hinted that he had started ring shopping (it turns out, he was actually ring-designing). Prior to that I was stressed and anxious. So maybe that’s the lesson – you just never know what he’s up to. Maybe he’s shopping right now!
Post # 13
teaparty…my boyfriend already told me he was ring shopping and that still hasnt calmed me down. He said it would happen before the summer, but that seems so far away. But you hit the nail on the head–anxious, upset, and feeling out of control are my basic emotions most of the time. It sux. I dont know whats wrong with me. I wish the fact that I knew he was shopping could calm me down. He even has a plan, he told me! (exactly how he is going to propose and how I will be surprised) I feel like an awful person!
Post # 14
I was in a similar situation…my FH was married before (sounds like the same story – HS sweetheart, married very young, didn’t grow together) and he told me often he enjoyed “just dating me.” Which drove me UP THE WALL! 😉 We also talked about marriage until we were blue in the face, and I watched not one but BOTH of my YOUNGER sisters get engaged before me (not to mention countless friends who are now starting the baby thing…)
We got engaged at 2 and a half years. Waiting was miserable. BUT…I coped by telling myself it was going to happen. As a very good friend (and now BM!) told me, the end result 10 years from now is exactly the same: we’ll end up married and together. Small consulation, but it helped!
Post # 15
aplusb – it’s really cool to have found someone on here that can relate to the whole dating a divorced man thing…yup, I have a feeling 2.5 years is going to be us too. Right around there. I started going crazy 6 months ago. How old were you and your hubby when you tied the knot? Or did you yet? 🙂 Congrats on your engagement!
Post # 16
I feel your pain. I have been with my boyfriend since highschool (almost 6.5 years) and I am taking out my waiting fustration on him. We almost broke up the other day because of it, but we are trying to work through it. I am afraid that I will be a long-term girlfriend and then we break up and he marries the next girl he meets. Then she will profit everything that I taught him (Beyonce’s Ring the Alarm song comes to mind).
He doesn’t give me a reason to think that he won’t propose but I am still more anxious and emotional now than ever and I am frustrated because everyone around me thinks that I shouldn’t let it bother me.