Post # 46
well he did admit to stringing and keeping all of his options open and that he figured i’d still be here as long as i didnt find out. (none of us knew he was still in contact or in contact with anyone) he only told me about it all after i found out about the date. he said in his mind he couldnt commit to the idea fully because of past burns until he finally said he loved me, and then since that point he said he would never risk losing me and cut all strings as soon as he could. but he admits that he hid things to protect himself and to avoid having one of us shut him out. and he didnt realize what he had in front of him was real…..till i jumped on a plane for him. (a whole other story) he says he left a cheating ex no questions asked, but she actually was physical, but he fully get it, he says he wouldnt be surprised if i go, but its not what he wants and he will spend the rest of his days honouring me if i can just forget everything he explained about his date, parties, hookups, one night stands, and dinner date all inthe time we were seeing eachother to finally “dating” and just before being serious. the problem is i became serious as soon as he verified he wanted to be exclusive, he didnt do anything at that point with anyone except the ex date. he said even though he said he wanted to be exclusive, he was still playing me a bit because he figured if he didnt say that i’d leave. so yes it hurt to hear him say words like “playing” and “stringing you along” but he said he finally got his head out of his ass and just hopes it wasnt too late. not too late to make all the stuff go away, but enough to still have a shot at living a happy life.
There’s a bunch of messy things obviously, and I know it would be easy to find something perfect, but theres a few steps we decided on today #1 see someone, #2 tattoo my name on his face(kidding..though I still suggested it) #3 we are going to tell his parents everything, because I can’t work through this on my own and have noone to talk to when things and feelings get rough and it feels isolating and theyll finally understand why seeing pictures of *ahem* are way more touchy to me then they use to be/normal human being.
I still like the perspective and advice, there’s def more things we need to do, but forgiving is something i dont fully understand so i will try to figure out how it works and if its ever fully possible, the least we can do is try.
Post # 48
I think you need to let this go hunnny! He hasn’t even physically cheated. I think he has more of a reason to call it off, because who would want the past dragged up every time u fight.
Post # 49
OP–Have you ever thought about therapy or counseling? And not couples counseling. I’m not saying that you’re crazy or that something’s wrong with you. But you need to sit down and hash this out with a professional. We’re here for you on the bee, but you’re really strung out about this, and you need help.
Post # 50
that is part of what i am trying to understand, if this is cheating, because i am gettig conflicted messages. he did admit to some brutal feelings and thoughts and that was hard to hear today, biggest one was he was def keeping his options open, even though he didnt want his ex, juuust in case, since it was better than being alone. he said i had to be in his life at his lowest point in life, he went from a 4 year relationship to a 5 year, and the one year he’s single he did all this, (not single in parts of it) he admitted to being freaked out by the normal relationship, that someone liked him genuily and showed it (cold mean ex’s) and that he def took it for granted big time and had no feelings what so ever in those 3 months even though he committed, yes he feels bad after he started paying attention, he said when he finally saw me, he had to relearn everything and take the time to know about me again because now he decided to care (yes he said this was selfish, that everything was his choice and on his time) a lot of brutal truths and def not a fairy tale, but he says he was a big tool and completely selfish and being a cheater i guess in a sly omitting way by keeping everyone strung along. but when he said he loved me, he said that was it, and will be it…..he doesnt want me miserable so to leave him if its too much and e understands. but that if he ever does anything again he’ll leave and not make me put up with the struggle to let go, he said he wouldnt risk it and no he doesnt want to give up, and yes there was some major bad attitudes etc he had but that hes sorry and crazy about me now, soooooo now i have new info, some more damaging than i thought, but honestly was good to hear, and makes it a bit harder, at first im like wow okay so im done…after hearing all this, but seeing how hard we struggled with walking out of the door and then talking about what he actually wants and my hesitation and not wanting to be weak etc it shows theres more other major things that we need to figure out.
i know many that would go for some of the things he said tonight, but its hard to digest it the same way when he says those feelings were 2 years ago, messy! i hate relationship drama and usually never would put up with it, with this bum (endearing) i cant seem to let go, even if he stung me
Post # 51
I have no idea what you just said. Could you paraphrase or dot point it?
Post # 52
yup i know. i never was like this before, its make me loopy in the relationship dept. i am super honest, almost too honest and open. so i expect the same in return…i actually have no issue at all with the choices, its the lying and omitting- i never had any issues with ex’s and now the guy wh i fell hard for tells me all this and its just a big pill to swollow with a definite “itll be okay”. him admitting he wanted to string us all along makes so much more sense now then what he said before about not wanting to make it awkward, which still plays a part. but he fully admitted that in those first 3 months he wasnt sure about any relationship , and even though he said he wanted exclisivity he had to make sure he kept as many options open as possible since he finally wanted them (the options)
Post # 53
Who he was two years ago does not seem to be the person is he has evolved to be, today. The question is can you forgive him as the person he was two years ago, so that you can build a future with the person he is, today? I understand he hurt you, but do you think you’ll be happier without him? Forgiving doesn’t mean you have to forget, or that you can’t feel sad for what has happened. It means you value the tomorrows more than you do the yesterdays, and that you are willing to give up your anger and resentment for your future.
It sounds like your Fiance has grown up to be the kind of guy you are proud to marry and have with you now. I hope, for your sake and his, that you forgive and let go of that more immature person he was two years ago. We all hopefully learn from our pasts. You are not the same person you used to be either.
Post # 54
Beautiful! I really like this. I hope the OP can take it to heart.
“The past is history; the future is a mystery; today is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.” — Unkown
Why let someone’s past self ruin your present? And your future as well?
Post # 55
HUGE mistake to running to his parents with the dirt on what he did 2 yrs ago. I don’t think there is a parent on this earth that wants to know the nasty of what their child (regardless of age) did or with whom etc. His parents could take this all in and say, what, uh, in the first 3 months and well, you were dating, and well, that was in the past and there is a wedding in 3 months and you bring this all up NOW ? If it were my kid, I’d probably tell them on the side, you need to really think this through, if she can’t let it go. I’d think twice before you induldge them in this all.