(Closed) Help.. he lied to me before our wedding & just found out.. LONG

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
598 posts
Busy bee

Hmm.. well all the advice I could give you is that people make mistakes. Your husband realizes that it was a mistake. He wouldn’t have brought it up if you had never stumbled upon it on the bank account statement, but once you did find it he did what would have been expected of him: he apologized. What more is there for him to do? He says nothing “happened.” That is his story, period. He didn’t lie when you confronted him, he admitted that he went to the strip club with a friend and he apparently felt regret about it based on how you said he reacted by begging for forgiveness etc. If he did actually express those feelings I would think he would have also broke down and admitted to paying for “services”, but he didn’t. You can either believe him and accept the apology and move on together, or you can dwell on it only causing more stress on both you and him. You know the kind of person he is more than anyone on here does. It could have been just that, a phase…. after all you did say you were fighting often at one point. He must care deeply about you: he MARRIED you and he cried when you said you’d leave him if he did it again, he realizes he made a mistake so if I were you I would believe it didn’t go any further than tips and drinks for his pal. It is in the past….leave it there.

Post # 5
598 posts
Busy bee

@anonbee98:  I believe you’ll work through it and it’ll all be fine in the end. Just realize that he truly is sorry so that when he comes home tomorrow and you both sit down and discuss it (hopefully for good) try not to blow up at him or get angry/emotional about it. It’ll be fine and you’ll both move on. Whats in the past STAYS in the past and is over and done with! Good luck!

Post # 6
2118 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Baby #2 due Sep 2017

@anonbee98:  “In fact, I can’t help but feel like this was a “OMG I am getting married and never done ANYTHING” and he had some need to experience the “normal” stuff that teens/twenty somethings do (FYI, we are 25). “

That’s exactly what I was thinking when I read that you were each others’ firsts and haven’t done much partying. Coupled with wedding stress, job stress and the slight LDR at the time and I think he was just plain freaking out. Not about marrying you, but about feeling hie’s missed something in his youth and about the big changes coming. I’m sure it hurts that it was the week before the wedding but that’s when these emotions would have peaked.
Personally, from your story, I trust that he wouldn’t do it again. I think he really regrets it is and really is sorry.
I’m sure time will heal this wound. Hugs.

Edit: I read your second reply. He was really brave to confess to his father and his tears really do sound incredibly genuine. I’m confident you can both overcome this situation together 🙂

Post # 7
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Drinks at strip clubs are probably expensive, but if he doesn’t drink, I am really not sure what he would be doing with that kind of money at a strip club unless he is getting services.  I’m sorry, I just don’t believe that part of his story.

That being said, even if he did get a couple of lap dances, he was probably just curious… it is concerning that he went more than once and concealed it from you.  But, if you are willing to forgive him, this isn’t the worst thing that could happen.  You’ll just need to set boundaries about strip clubs in the future.

Post # 9
8694 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013


you mention you are each other’s firsts and onlies.  maybe going to the strip club awakened something in him that he didn’t experience before.  maybe he was having cold feet and wanted to make sure he was making the right decision.  he came clean to you about what happened, do you trust and believe him? 

Post # 10
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Maybe times have changed since I was last in a strip club, but to my mind, you can spend $180 at a strip club in one of three ways: 1) a private dance, 2) drinking there for 3+ hours, or 3) buying drinks for the ladies.  I think he’s still holding something back.  I’m not sure whether you should delve deeper though – you’re already very upset and there’s not much to be gained.  The bigger issues are his deceit about his whereabouts and the money issues.  You two might be in a different economic situation, but I don’t know any 25 year olds who could afford to blow $500 in a such a short period of time at a strip club.  That’s what would have me worried.

Post # 11
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I do think he realizes he made a huge mistake.  Somehow I keep going back to that $460 at the strip club though….  That is more than our car payment.  I can’t even imagine why he would take out that much money on the ATM at the club if he wasn’t seriously considering getting extra services.  If he didn’t go through with the extra pricey stuff, then why the repeat massive withdrawals of money?  It just seems so weird to me.   My husband would flip out if I use that much money on anything… especially some kind of entertainment.   Something about that part of the story doesn’t add up.  But I do agree with others that he doesn’t seem like he would ever do anything to jeopardize your relationship again.   




Post # 12
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@anonbee98:  Well, I have to say that $130-$180 at a strip club? Not that much actually…You can go through money darn fast. I’ve gone a few times with guy friends and you can just go through a stack of cash. Also, the lying is not cool. But, what bothers you about him going to a strip club? Could he watch porn for that outlet instead? As long as he isn’t actually cheating on you, I see no harm in watching strippers dance and do their thing. You guys are 25 and have only slept with each other – I can’t blame him for just wanting to see what else is out there. But, I wouldn’t want him to be a regular at the strip club either just because it gets so expensive. Have you thought about going with him for a bonding/sexual experience? Again, the lying is not okay and (depending on your finances) that seems like a lot of money to spend on any entertainment in a short time.  Maybe try talking about other outlets (do something crazy in the bedroom, give him a striptease, watch porn together) so he doesn’t have the urge to go do that? Not that I can blame him for his urge…

Post # 13
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

He took money out of an ATM so that doesn’t necessarily meant he used it at the strip club.  Maybe he was contemplating getting a lap dance or something but from his reaction it sounds like he would have admitted to that if he had.  But seriously, even if he did, is this worth throwing away all your years together?  It sounds like he was probably freaking out a big life change, he never really got to experience any sort of wild period, and you two were fighting big time before the wedding probably making him extra nervous! 

I know you say you fight fair, but regardless I would just advise you to go through some counseling to get through this issue and make sure in general you have the tools to have a healthy marriage. FYI – You do NOT have to be devastated about this… I’m not saying your feelings are unjustified but it is okay to say hey things were hard he made (what to me is) a mistake and we’re going to move on.  You can either choose to believe your husband or you can torture yourself and him by trying to search for clues as to what he did or didn’t do at the club. 

Post # 14
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

So, based on the amount of money he took out, yes he probably got a lap dance or tipped the girls VERY well or something. Can you live with that? I don’t think any private services would cost less than $200 or so (unless it was really a seedy and scuzzy establishment). If you can move past that, I think you’ll be okay.

Post # 15
1420 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

He may have just been going for the positive attention he wasn’t getting at home due to the fighting and stress between you two.  It doesn’t mean he was hooking up after closing with one of the girls.  It could have been nothing more than a hot seat or two. 


FWIW, alcoholic drinks are usually really expensive at strip clubs I’ve been to.  I’m talking $13 per shot.  That could have been where some of the money went, or, he may not have necessarily spent every dollar he withdrew. 


Post # 16
4 posts
  • Wedding: January 2014

Do you tell your husband absolutely everything about your whole life?    I don’t see anything wrong with going to a strip club however hiding things is wrong.  I don’t believe you have to tell your significant other EVERYTHING but honesty is important.


Maybe it is completely innocent and didn’t mention it as he thought you would stress over it.

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