Post # 1
Help, help, help! I need advice! Can you think of any logical or innocent reasons why a man would give a used diamond ring to his girlfriend/fiancee? I am super upset and emotional right now and don’t want to talk with my boyfriend about it until I have cooled off.
So here is what happened: He finally proposed after a super romantic evening at a high end restaurant. When he gave me the ring, he did say it was something he had gotten a long time ago and was saving for the right person.
Today I looked at the ring up close in the daylight for the first time and was confused and sad to notice that the ring shows signs of wear, some light scratches and it looks like it has been worn for quite some time. It also looks like the gold was re-plated because some of the colors are uneven on the bottom of the band where it gets the most wear. I’m guessing the diamond is about a half carat. The little velvet box it came in is also obviously worn.
I remember once a long time ago that he told me at one point many years ago, he wanted to marry his ex-girlfriend but she broke it off with him and broke his heart. Could this be the ring that he got for her??? I’m almost afraid to ask because it seems like such an insulting question! At the same time I feel like I’m going to go crazy if I don’t ask him.
The other background on this is that my boyfriend was poor growing up, but now he is very well off financially. In fact he is a millionaire. One of the reasons is because he is very good about saving his money. He also can be tight fisted about some things. He doesn’t drive a flashy car or wear flashy clothes and I admire him for that. On the other hand he has been very generous toward me with his time and money and love. He has already given me other lovely diamond jewelry when we were dating, and the jewelry was obviously new — very shiny and in new boxes, etc. He has given me money to spend on clothes and groceries, he has washed my car, bought me new tires, been there for me when the chips were down, I could go on and on about all of his wonderful qualities.
So I’m confused as to why my engagement ring has all of these nicks on it. Today at work when I saw the scratches I got paranoid that this was something he bought for an ex-girlfriend. Then I got angry because I remembered a long time ago when we were first dating and we were very lovey dovey in a bar, someone asked us if we were newlyweds, and I remember my boyfriend cracked a joke about how “maybe we should go get some rings at a pawn shop” so we could fool everyone. Now I’m wondering if this ring came from a pawn shop?
And then I just came home from work and cried and cried and cried. I have taken the ring off my finger and have put it away along with all the other jewelry he gave me. I am so upset that I feel I can’t talk to him until I cool off. I don’t want to blow up and get angry at him. I also don’t want to hurt his feelings if there is an innocent reason for this. Maybe he was just being cheap?
What would you do?
Post # 3
What are you more concerned about, that he bought the ring for an ex-girlfriend or that he bought it at a pawn shop?
I can understand being upset at the former. If it’s the latter, maybe he did. Maybe he bought it when he was poor and to him it symbolizes how far he’s come in life and he’s giving it to you because you’re the person who will always be there for him. I dunno, just throwing that out there. Personally I would be surprised too, though, if my boyfriend was a millionaire and he got me a used half carat ring. More because it would seem like he didn’t put much effort into it though.
Post # 4
It’s possible that it’s a family ring or a vintage piece. Why don’t you just let him try to explain before getting so upset?
Post # 5
@beignettegirl: I would recommend that you ask him. Be cautious though how you ask because it could lead to an argument, when this should be a happy time for you both. Maybe you could ask him to have the ring re-set in a new band or something. Just a thought…
Post # 6
I personally wouldn’t be that upset about it (unless it WAS the ring he got for his ex, that would be weird). But I know that people are different, so I’m’ very sorry you are so sad. I would suggest taking a day to cool off, decide rationally in your head the right way to handle the situation, and then ask him. Just remember he does love you, and a used ring doesn’t mean he loves you any less.
Post # 8
Oof. Good for you for taking a cool down period, you wouldn’t want to go into this discussion overly upset. I definitely agree that this is something you’ll want to discuss, if only for your own peace of mind. Perhaps you can approach it in a way that definitely reiterates that you are so excited that you’re engaged, but you’re concerned about the ring. If he got it at a store, he needs to know about the signs of wear. If it’s a family ring, that’s sweet and sentimental and you’d like to know.
Aaaaand, if it’s the former ex’s ring, then you can (hopefully calmly) explain that you’d appreciate exchanging that ring for a different one, because you don’t like the feel of wearing ‘her’ old ring (if that’s the issue here). Same goes for a pawn shop ring if that is the part bothers you.
I hope that the convo goes well and that you can both calmly discuss the ring and the reasons for or against keeping it. He may not have even thought that giving you the old ring was bad, and for some people it may not be an issue. Just try to calmly discuss the ring and use ‘I statements’ rather than ‘you statements.’ Best of luck! *hugs*
Post # 9
It’s not a family ring… he told me it was something he got a long time ago and was waiting for the right person to give it to.
Post # 10
Are you sure it’s not a family airloom? (not sure if that’s the correct spelling)
I’d ask him, but wait till you’ve calmed down a but first.
Post # 11
Oh I just saw your other post.. oops!!
I would still ask him, just… calmly.
Post # 12
maybe it came from an antique shop? Some people (myself included) are opposed to the purchase of new diamonds because of their questionable backgrounds – so make sure its not something that innocent before you accuse him of anything…
Post # 13
Ok well first of all, calm down. The man you love just asked you to marry him, a used ring is not the greatest tragedy of all time. Personally I would love a vintage engagement ring someday.
If you think this is the ring he gave his ex, just ask him. Let him know that would make you uncomfortable. It’s nothing to cry about.
Post # 14
Thank you Moonadea and NDBee and everyone.
NDBee I’m trying to go with your thought, that maybe in his mind it was not a big deal to give an old ring.
I just dont GET it. The other jewelry he gave me was gorgeous and packed with diamonds that are almost as big as the diamond in the ring????? And they were new jewelry?
Do any of you guys think it would be rude for me to tell him that I don’t want to wear a ring that another woman wore? I mean if this were a family ring that would be totally different. But it is not. I had to take the ring off tonight because it hurt so much. That ring is no longer on some woman’s finger because either she got divorced, lost it, needed to sell it for money, or maybe she even died. Either way, it’s just so sad…. I don’t get it because my boyfriend is SO super romantic. He has sneaked into my apartment during the day while I was at work and left dozens of roses. This summer he gave me a Valentine’s card that said every day felt like Valentine’s day with me. He holds my hand whereever we go and is so sweet and affectionate.
Post # 15
I would ask him as nicely as possible.. just say you were thinking about it and curious if it was purchased with someone else in mind a long time ago.. and see what he says.. because if it was.. then I would feel like it was kind of jinxed and not very well thought out the ring should be about you.. not just something left over from someone else.
Post # 16
cool down period = thumbs up good idea. I’d wait till you could have the conversation with out crying. If you could get the right wording down, he should be ok with selling it to get a new ring. I also just want to say I know a lot of guys that bought a ring for a girl, it didn’t work out, and then sold it to their buddy for next to nothing for his buddy to propose. maybe thats whats happened? well, maybe it doesn’t matter the why, just that he proposed and wants to spend his life with you? hugs hugs hugs dear!!
@indibee:love your advice about using I statements! very good advice!