(Closed) HELP HELP!! I need advice!! Parents divorced and my wedding is in a month! :(((

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@MrsTee:  You are doing the right thing. You are staying neutral. It’s not fair for your mom to try to make you choose between her or your dad. They are both equally your parents.

If I were you, I would tell your mom you will invite your father because he IS your dad and if she chooses to forgo her daugther’s wedding out of spite so be it. Her presense will be missed.

Just be prepared if BOTH don’t show up.

Big hugs dear!!

Post # 4
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I would stick to my “guns” on this one! My parents are divorced too and its not your fault they had a “rough” divorce. I would tell my Mom and Dad both to keep their differences out of your Wedding afterall it is YOUR day…so you have the right to want BOTH of your parents there.

I think its greedy of them (your Mom) to put a strain on your wedding. They needa suck it up and she needs to put her “big girl” panties on for the day. After the wedding is over and everyone parts their ways she can think or feel however she wants, but she must act as an ADULT and seperate their differences for the 4-5 hours on your wedding day. As your parents shouldnt they want the best for you on your wedding day?!

Post # 5
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

Wow, many hugs to you dear!  My parents are going through a divorce right now and it will most likely be finalized before my wedding next spring.  I can’t imagine my mom acting the way yours is about your dad.  My dad was the one who stepped out on my mom and now has small children as a result, but she would never tell me that he couldn’t attend my wedding.  I did ask her if she had an opinion about it, but her words were, “His is your father, and always will be. He would be devastated if you didn’t invite him.” Conversation over.  I really hope your mom can suck it up and be happy for you on your day.

Post # 6
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Good for you for telling your mom to suck it up! She really does! This is yours and your FI’s wedding. She has to deal with the fact that you have two sides of your family, her side and your dad’s side and both are important.

Post # 7
Member
945 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m sorry this is happening to you. That’s just ridiculous. They are grown-a$$ people who should be able to put aside their differences for one day.

I have no advice to offer, just wanted to extend some sympathy. I know how much it sucks having divorced parents. I would sit down and have a talk with your mom too, since she seems to be the one behind this. Then, I’d probably call her bluff. Is she really going to miss her daughters wedding because of this?

Post # 8
Member
412 posts
Helper bee

Your mom is probably hurting, and you inviting him probably makes her feel like you are condoning his behaviour (which I fully realize you aren’t). But a conversation might go a LONG way. “Mom, I know you’re hurting, and justifiably so; he treated you terribly, and I’m not saying that’s okay. But at the end of my day, he’s my dad, and I want him there too. I know it’s not going to be easy for you to see him there, and I want to do everything I can to make it as easy on you as possible, but please, do this for me” And then figure out how you can set it up so they have as little face time as possible: seating them on separate sides of the aisle (mix everyone up so it isn’t obvious, but this way one isn’t behind the other), separate tables that are on opposite sides of the room (but equally close to the front), seat uncles between them at all times (she’ll appreciate the support, and if they’re trying to keep the two from each other, they hopefully won’t start shit with your dad), do family pictures “her side”, fi’s family, “his side” (or vice versa), so there’s a buffer and they aren’t standing on top of each other, etc. Still have him walk you down the aisle, do the father/daughter dance, and anything else you want, but the fact that you’re making the time and effort to help this go smoothly should hopefully help her see how much she matters to you and how much you want your dad there. 

Be sure to have the convo that you want him there as well, in case rumours trickle down to him (I don’t know how your network is set up)

Plus, it was only a week ago.. maybe another week will lend some perspective, and dull the fury a little bit.

Post # 9
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MrsTee:  Just stay neutral.  If your Mom and other family threaten to not attend just say, “Geez, that’s too bad.  If you won’t reconsider just know you’ll be missed.”  Leave the ball in their court. 

Needless to say, it’s awful your family is using your wedding as a catalyst to promote drama.  Just absolutely awful.  But unfortunately you can’t change their minds, only they can.  Fingers crossed they will eventually see the error of their ways.  The good news is, no matter what happens, who shows, who doesn’t, you’re marrying your guy.  Nothing trumps that.

Good luck.

 

Post # 10
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

@MrsTee:  I agree with everyone else. As badly as your dad treated your mom, he is your father. Remind your mother that SHE chose him as your father and that it’s important that you have both your parents there on your special day. I have to say that despite your dad being a jerk to your mom, your mom is making this about her. It’s rather selfish. This day is about you and your fiance and for your mom to put you in this position, it’s unforgivable. This is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. You shouldn’t have to be stressed about it. Tell your mom that while you would love to have her at the wedding, if she isn’t at your wedding it’s her choice. Tell her she will be missed but that you can’t exclude EITHER one of your parents from your special day. How would she feel if your dad demanded she couldn’t go? Ask her if this is REALLY worth missing her daughter’s wedding over. Is her pride more important than being there for you? I know your mom is hurt and rightly so….your dad doesn’t exactly sound like a “stand up” guy but he is your father and you love him.

Good luck and I’m sorry your parents are being like this. If one or either of your parents aren’t there, know that that’s their choice and you couldn’t have done anything differently. These are their issues not yours. Try to enjoy this process the best you can. You deserve to look back on your special day with happiness not stress, anxiety or tears. Just remember that there is only so much you can do and you can’t please everyone. The MOST important person that you please is yourself. Make sure you remember that this is your ONE day about you and your fiance not about ANYONE else. Accept that you’ve done the best you can to accomadate everyone, but at the end of the day, it’s not worth ruining your wedding. Accept whatever happens and make the best of it. Enjoy yourself and have fun!

Post # 11
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

That is by no means your fault and you shouldn’t have to deal with their drama this close to your wedding. I do believe your parents need to be the grown-ups in this situation so I would *firmly* tell them “Listen, either you suck it up or view the ceremony on a video when it’s published” Sounds rough but you should NEVER have to deal with this as you are experiencing the most important day of your life!!

Post # 12
Member
1797 posts
Buzzing bee

Good job trying to stay neutral! That is such a tough situation! I think you should have the conversation with your father and just go from there. At the moment it looks like your mom and uncles are being the immature ones in the group not your father, so why should your dad be punished for how she is acting? If you talk with your father, and he says that he was just planning on sucking it up and being amicable for the day then I would approach your mother about the situation. I would tell her that you spoke with your dad, and that he wants to make it a happy day for YOU (like she should be), so he will attend and avoid your mom. At that point I would basically leave it up to her and your uncles as to whether or not they are going to act like grown ups and attend the wedding.

Guests of a wedding, no matter how close the relation, just need to understand that it is not their day it is someone else’s! I attended a wedding for a friend of my boyfriend’s, and there was one person in particular that we did not at all get along with that we knew  would be there. What do you know for some reason the bride sat us NEXT to her and her boyfriend. It was definitely an awkward night for us two at least, but we just didn’t talk to her and it was fine. 

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