Post # 1
Ok bees, please help!
My SO had been saying that I would be engaged by Christmas for about a year now. We have been together about 3 years and have owned our own house for about 1.5 years now. Definitely committed to each other. I am 23 and he is 25. Yes we are young however with some health issues of my own, we have to have kids young and I want to be married first. Okay there is the back story!
Now about a week ago SO asked me if we could by a quad. I was very upset by this as I do not have a ring on my finger and he wants to spend 3000.00 on a quad?!? So I told him if he had bought the ring already then I am okay with spending money on a quad and if not then I would be really upset as clearly I am not his priority. and he said he had bought one. So I agreed we could get a quad.
So Christmas comes and no proposal….I was extremely disappointed. I couldn’t help but show it and when I talked to him about it he did not understand. I tried to explain to him that a girl thinks about getting engaged her whole life and that he had promised me that it would be by this Christmas, therefore purposely getting my hopes up.
We talked it out and he agreed to do it within the next month as he has a “wonderful and amazing plan” and I have agreed to keep silent about it all to ensure I don’t ruin his surprise.
Then talking to him last night he admitted that he lied about having already bought the ring so he could get that quad but that he has the ring money set aside so that wasn’t an issue.
I feel hurt that he lied to me to get what he wants and still very disappointed that he did not propose. I love him very much so obviously I do not want to leave him but I would really appreciate some advice on how to deal with feeling so upset about the whole thing.
Post # 3
@OneDayDutcher: Why in such a rush? You both are still very young.
Post # 4
@OneDayDutcher: Why does he keep lying to you? What does he want? It seems like he does not want to get engaged yet but is appeasing you by lying… not good.
Post # 5
@OneDayDutcher: Hopefully he will propose soon. I get that guys have their own timeline but my main issue with him is that he told you what you wanted to hear and then did not do it. He needs to take you seriously and not just lie to you to get you off of his back.
If I were you I would evaluate your health issue and decide how long you think you can wait for him to propose and not lose your ability to have children (if that is a dealbreaker to you).
Post # 6
@MissyDoll: I think the OP mentioned something about health issues that may impact their ability to conceive. Not sure if she added that after your post.
OP, did he offer an explanation of why he did not propose at Christmas if he has the money set aside for a ring? I’m not sure what a quad is, but I’d be pretty upset too if that happened. Since it sounds like your finances are merged, he essentially lied to get something he wanted with your mutual money. It’s promising that he seems to have a plan now, but I’d really want to know more about why the original plan didn’t happen.
Post # 7
He doesn’t have the ring but has money set asdie. And he is going to do it within the next month with some elaborate plan? Sounds like he’s tying to buy time. I’d be wondering if he even really have the money set aside for a ring. Too bad you can’t check his savings account to be sure of that!
Post # 8
A quad is a 4-wheeler.. I am Canadian maybe we call it something different 🙂
His explaination was that he had recently come up with an amazing plan to propose and it did not fit in the timeline of Christmas.
I agree with you all that he needs to quite lying to me just to make me happy because in the long run it is a heck of a lot more hurtful.
I’ve told him (without making it sound like an ulimatium) that it all needs to happen within the next couple months to have it on track with everything else. He has agreed and is very sorry that he lied about everything.
He is a very traditional kinda man and is very adamant on it being a surprise so maybe that is why he didn’t do it before Christmas, to throw me off?? Not too sure.
Post # 9
@spezia: Oh thanks, didnt see it!!
@OneDayDutcher: If that’s the case it might be time to give him an ultimatium. Be honest with him, tell him you need to have kids soon because of health reasons and if hes not ready then you need to find someone else who is. This may be hard, but don’t let him waste your time.
Post # 10
Not sure how to use this site quite yet…. but in answering MissyDoll..
I agree that it may be time for an ulimatium as he knows my health issues and our essential time crunch. I honestly do believe that he will propose within his time period he has now given me. I feel that if he lets me down again on this one I may have to have a serious talk with myself on how much I am willing to give up.
Post # 11
Annnnd to top it off guess what my Christmas gift was. A SNOWMOBILE! A huge passion of his, so I guess thats sweet and all, but really!?!
And about the maybe he doesn’t have money suggestion…I don’t really feel like that is the issue as he does very well for himself and I have been raised rather frugal and have strickly said that I do not want him spending a fortune on a ring.
Post # 12
@OneDayDutcher: So he bought you a snowmobile and is buying himself a quad? It seems like his priorities are very different than yours at the moment. Talking openly to him about this, and perhaps discussing a timeline, might be beneficial… However, I get the sense that the two of you are on different pages and you are pushing it a bit. Perhaps let it go for now (as hard as that is) and give him the space to purchase a ring and propose if he chooses to. If he hasn’t in the next 3-6 months, then may you have some decisions to make…
Post # 13
@OneDayDutcher: uh… I’m concerned with whether this guy knows how to handle money! And money is one of the TOP reasons why people get divorced. First off, I’m so sorry to hear that there was no proposal, I’d be just as frustrated as you are. Second, it sounds like you guys own a house – has he been responsible about the house? How does he spend money normally? I don’t see how a quad or a snowmobile are anywhere practical when clearly, the thing you wanted the most was an engagement. And then on top of that, he LIED to you and LIED again! I don’t believe at all that there are plans. I don’t believe that he was even thinking about getting engaged and may likely be stalling. You guys need a heart to heart but from the actions so far, I’m sorry, he’s got the house and he’s got you living in it, he doesn’t sound like he understands why he has to get married.
Post # 14
for a second I thought you were talking about buying a $3000 quad/cluster ring and I thought you were taking issue with that! Lol! I’m glad that’s not the case. I would definitely be feeling as though he is leading you on a bit though and would not be happy with him for lying. I think you really need to have a heart to heart and see where he stands or what his concerns are.
If there’s no money or commitment issues maybe suggest that you can show him a few rings that you like and he can choose from there. That may help him make a decision but still be a little more conventional?
Post # 15
I wouldn’t be ok with my SO lying to me to pacify me. This is the most important decision of your life. You should be able to communicate and come to an agreement together. I would talk to him and let him know how you feel. Then just let it go. If he wants to propose, he will. If he doesn’t I think you should move on.
Post # 16
I would certainly be highly pissed about his lies; I would have a hard time believing owt he says about engagement plans now. I think this situation is beyond surprises, but then I am not big on that concept to begin with.
How passionate are YOU about snowmobiling? Do you like to ride them, or is this a chance for him to get another toy by saying it is for you. I am trying not to be harsh, but this situation slightly angers me on your behalf. If you like/wanted/are interested in snowmobiling, that is different.
To me, it seems you wish to get on with life, and he wants to play about. I hope this does get sorted in a positive way for you.