(Closed) HELP! How do I deal with my MOMZILLA? **long**

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

These situations are so hard. We are running into this with Future Mother-In-Law, who is adamant that we get married in a church, especially the one where we met. She has offered to chip in for the wedding because she wants some of her work friends and old friends invited, but even if she wasn’t we’d still hate to fight with her on this because we normally get along so well. 

I think you are doing all that you can do – you’re being open minded, but sticking up for yourself. Since you’re still being considerate and kind, and showing that her input matters to her, you’re not being spoiled. Many moms envision their kids weddings, but their visions rarely come to fruition. She’ll get over that, but it’ll take some time.

One thing that has helped us so far is to take other suggestions of FMIL’s. For instance, she got excited about wanting family style catering and the head table in the middle of the room. We’re fine with those things, so we’re running with them. I think that makes her feel good about having some sort of say in what we’re doing, and makes her feel appreciated. 

Post # 4
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I am so sorry that your mom is putting you in a hard position. My mother is doing the SAME thing. She is helping paying for stuff so she think she can plan everything herself. She is living her wedding dreams through me. Not fair. But this is how I have dealt with it. I had a huge talk with my parents and explain to them that if they wanted to help FINE but just because they help doesnt give them a say on the venue or guest list for that matter. If they dont want to help FINE either way its going to by our way our rules. We didnt ask them for money and we are paying for it ourselves. I had to tell her THis is MY wedding. Its only happening ONCE so it will be my way. It sounds selfish but since then she has been helping by giving her opinion and not being so demanding.

I had to be harsh and I know I sounded mean but its my wedding. I want it to be perfect by my standards no one else.

Post # 5
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

Has your dad already given you the lump sum?  If he has, it’s not like she can just take it back, so you have a lot more ground to stand on.  My other thought is that your wedding is REALLY FAR away to be wanting to secure a venue so soon!  But it’s a good time to set your ground rules on who will be making the decisions for your wedding.  Your parents are very gracious for offering to help, but you still should have the final veto on any ideas.  You need to sit down with both of your parents and have a serious talk with them about what the ground rules are.  Make sure you’re all clear on who makes the decisions.  If their help comes with strings attached, then you may prefer to decline.  That’s really up to you.  But if you’re not all on the same page, you leave yourself open to her insistance on asinine things like location!

Post # 6
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

All I can say from experience is pick your battles with momzilla carefully…and this battle seems like something you need to fight for! I wouldn’t let my mom bully me into even looking at a place she thought was great but Fiance & I already had been there and knew it just wasn’t for us, we eventually found our location by ourselves and LOVE it…now all I hear is well we are paying so I better be able to see it before the wedding etc. I get so annoyed with the drama.

Post # 8
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

@MightySapphire – believe it or not, there are venues we’re looking at that book up 2 years in advance for in season, in demand dates. 

Post # 9
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@vanilla  I am so sorry. I talked to both my parents in person so My mom didnt feel attacked but we have had our blow outs over email too. I finally told her I wasnt going to tell her anymore about the wedding if she was going to be ugly or mean. Maybe try that approach?

Post # 10
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Ooh, what I tough situation.  I like MightySaphire’s approach of talking to them and setting ground rules.  If they’re brash enough to say “yes, the money comes with strings and we’re only willing to pay for the kind of wedding we want you to have” then you and your Fiance need to consider what you can afford to do without their help, and how important it is for you to do it on your own.  If they say they’ll give you the money to spend however you want (what your dad seems to have implied previously) then maybe you should ask for the money now.  Don’t say it’s because of the venue debate, but talk about how you’re going to start looking for decorations and DIY stuff and accessories, and you don’t want to bother him with recipets everytime you purchase invitation samples.  I think the key thing is to make them say their intentions clearly and out loud – either they want to have final say in your wedding, or that you can do whatever you want.  That way everybody’s clear, and in the future you can refer to that conversation.

That being said, your mom may still try to guilt you into doing it her way, not because she’s paying but just because it’s “what she’s always wanted for you”, and then you’ll just have to humor her when you can, and stand your ground on the big stuff.  Having the financials locked in should make that easier.  Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Tell her you’re doing it your way, and that if she doesn’t like it, you’ll just pay for it yourself.   I would much rather have my own wedding than any amount of cash.  This is you and your fiancé’s day.  End of conversation.

Post # 12
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with @MightySapphire – you need to figure out now what the rules are for using your parents’ money, or you’ll be fighting with momzilla for the next year and a half. Although your dad made it sound like the decisions are up to you, that doesn’t mean much if your mom doesn’t agree. 

Bring up this issue separately from the venue debate, preferably in person. Tell them that you want to understand upfront what they would like you to “get approved” before deciding and what you have complete leeway on. Mention specifics (venue, guest list, catering, drinks, dress, etc, etc, etc) and make sure both your mom and your dad agree to the decisions. Make sure you are clear about who gets the final say (i.e., does your mom just want to know about all the decisions before you make them or does she insist on final veto power). 

If your mom insists on controlling major of the wedding, maybe think about paying yourselves. Unfortunately, he who holds the money, holds the power, so you have to be very realistic about what you are getting yourself into by accepting that money.

Post # 13
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I’m surprised mine is being better than she normally is – but talking to my mother on the phone just sucks any of the wedding planning joy out of my life.

They are giving us $10k towards the wedding, but my mother threatened to pull all that out if we didn’t get married in the Catholic church.  I didn’t want to be lying to myself – but we ended up compromising with a convalidation after our wedding.  As bad as it sounds, I need that $10k and signing paperwork for 15 minutes to shut my mother up will be worth the moral trade off.  Our family is dysfunctional like that.

I hope you can find some kind of compromise. 🙁

Post # 14
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Well clearly you’re going to have to have this venue battle sometime, but I think you should wait until you have some ammunition on your side.  Meaning, keep looking for someplace you love (and sure, look at mom’s suggestions too, can’t hurt) but tell her you’re not ready to decide yet, you don’t know, you’re too busy to get into it, etc etc. For now, just don’t discuss it with her, or tell her her ideas are in consideration but you’re still processing. 

Then when you have a short list you adore, then bring it up with her and fight for what you want.  It’s much easier to fight _for_ something when it’s concrete, after all.  And from her perspective, instead of seeing a daughter who is rejecting all of her ideas, she will see a daughter who appreciates her contributions but has stars in her eyes about something else. 

And give her free rein on some of the elements that you don’t care so much about, so she feels included in the planning.  Of course it’s your wedding, but you don’t want her to feel like you’ll take her money but not her love-in-the-form-of-help, you know?  As you’re aware, mothers get pretty emotional about this stuff!  Good luck!

Post # 16
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Oh man.  This is a bad situation.  I’ve never dealt with this, but you have my sympathy.  I think it would probably be best to STOP involving momzilla, and just tell her what you’ve decided once you make your choices.  If she doesn’t have the opportunity to give an opinion it may save you some of this crap 🙁

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