Post # 17
oh wow, that sounds like it was a really stressful weekend! so sorry you’re having to deal with this!
have you and your fi sat down together and discussed how you want the wedding day to come together, and what your priorities will be? it seems like maybe since you’re in the more exploratory stage of planning, it’d be best not to include them in looking at places or making decisions until you know what’s important to you as a couple. maybe tell your parents that you are taking a break from planning since this first visit was so stressful, and then don’t talk to them about it until you have a better grasp on what you want. since they’re paying, they may want to have a say in how things look, but it’ll give you a chance to focus on your vision without feeling pressure from them
Post # 18
I agree with the notion that you just shouldn’t have your parents (esp. momzilla) involved in the decision making process at all. You and Fiance should figure out where you both are interested in looking at and go visit it yourself. You don’t need to mention to them all the places that you’re considering.
It’s deja vu all over again when I heard your story b/c my mom pulled the exact same thing when Fiance and I were looking for vnues. She even went so far as to insult me for being too “Americanized” now which is just downright nasty (I’m Chinese). After that I never involved her in the decision making process. Although it would be great to include her in it as I’m her only daughter and the first to get married, it’s just so much better this way! Our relationship is still great and we’re not at each other’s throats anymore.
You’re an adult and have every right to make your own decisions, esp. about your special day. Don’t be afraid to put your foot down. If you continue to let them have their way and push you around in the beginning, this will just set the same tone throughout the entire wedding planning process. You do not want to be putting up with this for the next year and a half. You might as well go to war now so that things will be easier later. 🙂
Post # 19
My parents are contributing substantially, but they were kind enough to do it without strings. My Mom hasn’t agreed with all of my decisions, but she’s been supportive.
The guest list was very tricky. Their initial list had a zillion names on it. When we broke it down and explained it costs $x amount per person for someone to attend our wedding (we added up all numbers that vary by the number of guests – food and beverage, valet, linens, flowers, etc). And my parents nearly choked. They had no clue how much things cost.
Once they knew how much it was going to cost to have their friends attend, they voluntarily slashed their guest list. My Mom wanted to add people back on the list before it was all said and done, but my Dad stood firm and kept my Mom’s list in check.
Bottom line, you and Fiance need to decide what you want and what’s most important to the two of you. Then you need to explain to your parents that you appreciate their generosity, and you are willing to accommodate them to a degree, but you and Fiance are getting married and you want things a certain way. If they can’t support that, then you will plan and pay for your own wedding (or elope). And you need to be prepared to do just that. You do not want to be fighting with your Mom for the next year and a half.
Post # 20
Sorry this is going on. It sucks that planning your wedding so far has been stressful.
This seems like a lot of stress if I were you I will say no thank you to their money and just elope. Or you guys can pay for something that you can afford. I am sorry but these types of disagreements during wedding planning are silly in my opinion. I personally wont stand for it.
Post # 21
Hard as it is i would not discuss the wedding with your mum to much. Its obviously causing you and Fiance alot of stress. It’s YOUR day and YOUR wedding. You make the decisions and TELL her what you are having. I’m lucky my mum is so laid back and happy with all our wedding decisions. Future Mother-In-Law is a different storey. She has caused a row between me and her and me and Fiance so the way i deal with it now is to get on with and not tell her things. If she doesn’t know she can’t cause problems! Good luck!
Post # 22
all I can say is WOW! Air Hugs! I think I wold have to tell them thanks but no thanks for the money. I would try to see what you could do with your budget and your parents might reconsider the strings if you tell them you do not want the money if they are going to act that way. you could also say you are willing to listen to there opinions and compromise on some things, but it is your decision.
Post # 23
the momzilla thing is my number one concern for our wedding. my moms chemically imbalanced; she’s utterly manic. when she’s on an up swing she becomes extremely generous and wonderful and over the top happy. When she’s on a down swing she becomes violent and cruel. i can only imagine how wedding planning is going to bring out the crazy full force. the number one thing i’ve learned in life is that you can’t let irrational people get to you. you might have to love them, but if you let them control you, you get sucked in.
Post # 24
And yet again bees… all of you have such wonderful advice to give. Fiance and I have decided that we will continue to look at venues on our own and when momzilla asks questions, i will give her the courtesy of honest, but short, answers.
I think the reason I am so hurt by all of this is that I really feel like my mother doesn’t know who i am at all anymore. We used to be so close, but I haven’t lived at home in 4 years and a lot has changed since then. She hasn’t taken the time out to try to get to know the new me.
Anywho, we are still super excited to go about planning our big day I am more than excited that Fiance is literally just as involved in the planning process as I am!
@Bright Wings- i totally feel for you, I work in mental health and chemical imbalances are a completely different ball of wax. However, look on the bright side, you know it’s not your mother just BEING cruel. When you start planning and need an ear to listen, I am totally here.
@Bunny22- It’s so good to know that someone else went through this crap and came out unscathed, or is at least getting through it better. Sorry to hear that you had to go through it though. PS- i love your name… my Fiance and I call each other bunny as a pet name (I know ladies, gag if you must!)
Post # 25
Oh yikes. And I thought MY mom was bad. You poor thing!
Like all of the other gals, I agree with leaving her out of any decision making. I did that with my mother and boy, it sure changed her mood around real quick! As far as the “required” guest list, it is YOUR decision to who comes or not. We did all of the invites and everything ourselves, and both my in-laws and my parents contributed a guest list. But when it came time to cut the lists, neither side was willing to do anything. So, my Fiance and I took it upon ourselves to do the trimming, and we didnt bother telling our parents about it, because they would have thrown a fit. And you know what? They have forgotten all about who they invited, they don’t even remember!
Stay strong, I know this sucks!
Post # 26
@vanilla frosting – Looks like you and your mom are going through some growing pains. Don’t be hurt by it too much though, just try your best to make things better between the two of you and look forward to a better relationship later. It is NOT easy for mom’s to see their kids grow up and not “need” them anymore. My parents have struggled with it for quite some time… even until recently with my brother who’s a grown man! It really gets easier as you get older, you and your mom will find figure it out.
Also think it’s funny that bunny is your pet name b/c that’s what mine is too. Hehehe. No shame in our pet names, I’m sure there are more embarassing ones out there. 🙂