Post # 1
I got engaged last August and the very first thing my sister said to me was “Yay! I’ll be a bridesmaid!” My sister is seven years younger than myself and we have an awful relationship. I understand she is very young, but at the same time the hurtful things she does to me and my fiance can’t be ignored.
My mother told me she will not help pay for my wedding, nor will she attend if my sister is not a bridesmaid. My mother also said I cannot have a bachelorette party if my sister can’t come.
We plan on having a three year engagement and my sister will be 16 at the time of our wedding. She obviously will not be old enough to attend a bachelorette party. I was wondering if making her a jr. bridesmaid at 16 was too mean? The rest of my party will be in their late 20’s. I think 16 is way too young to attend a bachelorette party, and she really won’t be able to help plan showers or anything.
Post # 3
Your wedding, your bridesmaids.
If your mom doesn’t want to come because of something silly like that, then it’s her loss. I say pick your nearest and dearest. Your sister is a “dearest” but not a “nearest.”
Post # 4
@mrslke: Tough situation. 16 is super young (and if shes 13 now that’s really really young to be a bridesmaid). Obviously she is going to be inexperienced in the planning aspect and your mother should be well aware that it’s not appropriate for a 16 year old to attend a bachelorette party. Your mother also shouldn’t be dictating whether you have one since your Bmaids plan it and not her!! I wouldn’t leave her out of the wekding party because she is your sister, but I’d make a Jr bridesmaid or regular bridesmaid and make your maid of honor a close friend that will be able to do all the party planning – good luck!
Post # 5
Why does your mom even have to know about your bachelorette party. That is none of her busy. Also your wedding your choice of bridal party. Your mom gets no say. Let her keep her money. And if she would honestly miss your wedding over something that stupid than that is her loss. Call her bluff.
Post # 6
You may not like my response. However, here goes. You need to make this decision NOT on how you feel about your relationship with your sister TODAY — or even how you feel about it at the time of your wedding three years from now. You really need to base your decision on the fact that she is your (presumably) only sister, and she should be a bridesmaid in your wedding.
She doesn’t need to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. She doesn’t need to plan showers or pay for things or do DIY projects, and she doesn’t need to go everywhere you and your older friends decide to go in the weeks and days prior to your wedding. However, she does need to at least be offered the opportunity to wear the dress and stand with you on what is likely going to be the most important day of your life up to that point in time. To NOT offer to have her would likely be very damaging to your long-term relationship not only with your sister but also your mother. And, I agree with your mother — you need to have SOME type of pre-wedding activity that will be appropriate for a 16-year-old to attend. That doesn’t mean that you and your friends cannot on a different day do something else without her.
Ultimately, you can choose to have as many other helpful, close friends as you want as bridesmaids. Just include your sister as well.
Post # 7
Wow. I think have a serious talk with your mother about your concerns with your sister. Personally, I believe that a jr. bridesmaid position would work best (possibly without the “junior” if she’ll take offense to that).
As for the bachelorette party; if it’s going to be an “adults” party and your sister is 16, then she can’t attend. It’s not fair on you to compromise on what you want for your sister, particularly if you’re already compromising having her as a bridesmaid. If your mother kicks up a stink about it, just say “I’m really sorry you feel that way. If you can’t attend the wedding simply because [sister] is too young to come to the bachelorette, then we’ll miss you, but it’s your decision.”
Don’t beg or plead, because that gives her the power then. Just pick a compromise that you’re comfortable with (e.g. sister as a jr. bridesmaid, sister doing a reading, etc.) and stick to it, come hell or high water.
ETA: I just realised that your sister is currently 13. In that case, I think you can cut her some slack – teenagers are always difficult, and having a large age gap between the two of you isn’t going to help. I’m not surprised she had a selfish reaction because 13 is, essentially, a selfish age. As another poster said, you also need to consider your long-term relationship with her. If you’re comfortable damaging your relationship with her because she’s a pain in the neck as a child and potentially damaging your relationship with your mother over this, then by all means go ahead.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - Garden
So that makes her what, 14 now? She’s still a kid. Kids can be mean but she’ll do a lot of growing up in the next couple of years.
I was never very close with my younger sisters growing up, but I asked them to be in my wedding party and I feel closer to them now than I ever have. Maybe if you did ask her, your relationship would improve?
Post # 9
I’m going to have to agree with PPs
She’d be great as a jr bridesmaid. But if your bachelorette is going to be adults only.. then… well.. adults only!
Post # 10
Thank you everyone for such speedy advice!
I understand 14 is a very young age, and people change. However, I’ve known my sister her whole life and it’s very hard for me to picture her as being mature.
Some of you have said plan something “kid friendly” before the wedding that she can attend, and we will be having an engagement party and bridal shower, both will be kid friendly.