Post # 1
My soon to be 9 year old step daughter was, shall I say, less than thrilled I was marrying her daddy. Even though she and I adore each other, she felt very jealous and threatened at the thought of me marrying her dad whom I have been with since she was 6. She stated that meant we would have a honeymoon, a special day (anniversary) and she wouldn’t have that. We lovingly explained to her nothing would take away her special relationship with her dad. Finally, it’s been five mos since the engagement and she’s come around to be excited about the wedding. However, now she’s stating she’s getting married and that she’s a bride as well. She got this idea probably from us stating this day was just as much about her and “us” uniting as a family….But she took it to a new level.
She wants to wear a bride-like dress, throw the bouquet, stand on the alter with us, and choose the cake, etc. I’m handling it the best I can, but it’s giving me nightmares! I don’t want her to go back to hating us getting married, but I also don’t want to give her the wrong idea. She does’t want to be referred to as aa “bridesmaid” or “flower girl”. I just don’t know what to do or say.
We are incorporating a sand ceremony but I still don’t think she quite gets that she’s not the bride.
Post # 3
A much younger child I could understand but at 9 years old, children do generally get the idea of a wedding and know there is not two brides. I think your fiance needs to be a little more firm with her though, I understand it’s a big change for her but this is kind of….inappropriate? OTT? Especially at 9.
Post # 4
I think dad needs to explain that someday she’ll get her wedding day as well, and that she’s a very impotant part of the day, but that isn’t her role.
It sounds like she’s pushing boundaries a bit, probably because she’s still not comfortable.
Post # 5
I agree with spoonie. This seems a bit immature? for a 9 year old. I think you and your Fiance need to sit her down and explain this to her. If she goes back to not liking you two getting married, she will get over it but she needs to know that this behavior will not work. You need to set boundaries with her. Include her in some of the planning, but you need to let her know it’s not just what she wants because she is not the bride. If you give a kid an inch, they’ll take a mile…
Post # 6
Yeah, at 9 she sounds a little like she’s pushing the envelope to see how far you’ll let her go.
I would sit her down, just you and her and say something to the tune of:
“Sweet girl this wedding is so exciting for our family and I couldn’t be happier that now you will be my official step daughter. I just wanted to go over some wedding day things so you know what your official spot is. Technically, you’re my ________________ (bridesmaid, maid of honor, flower girl, whatever). You will wear a beautiful pink dress (or whatever color) and, instead of a veil, a gorgeous crown of flowers (headpiece, whatever. Just so she knows she gets something on her head, too). You will stand next to ____________ as your father and I make promises to each other. Then we will make some promises to you and we will mix sand together to show how we will blend together as a family. There are some things you won’t be able to join us in, like our first dance and our cake cutting… these are special things that we save for when YOU get married. You get to try to CATCH the bouquet and, if you do, you’ll be the next to get married! I know this isn’t exactly what you had in mind, but you have to remember to save a lot of these special things for when YOU get married or they won’t be special anymore. But, when you do get ready to get married, I can’t wait to help you plan your special day, just like you are beig so helpful in helping me plan mine! You are being such a great friend to me and I am so thankful that we get to be a family forever.”
Maybe by detailing things in a very matter-of-fact way will help her understand that there is a boundry line here that will not be crossed any time soon…?
Post # 7
I think it’s a bit much that she wants to throw a bouquet and wear a wedding-like dress. Your Fiance should probably talk to her about that and clarify whose wedding it is. It’d be better to do it sooner rather than later. And I bet if you offered to take her dress shopping and direct her towards something pink or white but with pink flowers or something so it’s not bridal-like then she’d be ok. It could be good bonding time. Even if she does wear white, it’s not like anyone is going to be confused as to who the bride is.
I also think it would be good bonding time if you let her come with you when you pick out the cake (or at least a tasting) and say you’d like her opinion on which to get. That way she gets to help, but it’s still your decision.
Finally, I was watching a wedding show once, and the couple exchanged their vows, but after that the groom’s daughter came up to the alter and the 3 of them exchanged vows together about becoming a family. I thought it was really sweet. Maybe you could do something like that?
Post # 8
Is it possible to let her do all those (or most) but in a different way. She can stand at the alter for a period of time and you can write family vows in addition to your own vows? About promising to be open, honest, loving?
And does it really hurt to let her choose one item of the cake? Maybe a flavor for one layer? Or if you like flowers, she can choose the flower type? Or maybe circle vs. square.
I think she is afraid things are going to change and she wants to be involved and this is her way of pushing it on you.
Instead of giving her flowers to hold, maybe she would like to be “extra special” and carry a pretty sparkly purse or a ribbon want. Something only she has?
I dont think its about her “taking a mile” its about her wanting to honestly be a part of this because she is probably afraid if she is not a part of this, she wont be a part of the new relationship after the marriage. She doesnt understand fully what it will mean to her and her life.