(Closed) Help – how do I make it okay not to invite him

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

The thing I would worry about is your cousin’s safety if you DON’T invite the asshole.  He could take it out on her feeling like her family is shunning him.

Post # 4
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I agree with PP. The only way you cannot invite him is if you do not invite your cousin. He is more likely to beat on her if she tries to leave somewhere without him, especially if it is known he is not invited.

Post # 5
Member
9181 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I dunno, I disagree with the others.  If you don’t really know the guy and he’s a flat-out asshole (abusing her into the hospital?!) then it’s pretty reasonable to JUST invite her and the kids.  I can’t imagine anyone in your family (except her) would object, would they?

I actually have a cousin in a similar boat – multiple baby daddies, mental and substance abuse issues, and a new abusive bf.  They are not “domestic partners” technically, but they do live together.  NO WAY in hell am I inviting the guy to my wedding, and my family would never expect me to.

Post # 6
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@lolot:  Do you really not get what we’re saying?  We are concerned about her cousin’s safety.  Obviously it sucks that this jerk might show up at the wedding, but I think things might be worse for the cousin if he’s not even invited.

Post # 7
Member
9181 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@oneofthesethings:  Yes I fully comprehend what you’re saying.  If their relationship is this bad, though, I don’t know what good it would do to invite the deadbeat to the wedding.  As someone in this position, trust me, I’ve thought about it.

The specific question was about the wedding.  In general, I hope the OP and her family has done whatever they can to get the cousin away from this guy.  But in terms of a wedding invite, again – I don’t think it’s the OP’s responsibility to invite the guy, on the hypothetical case that it might make matters worse otherwise, if she does not feel comfortable doing so.

Post # 8
Member
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

It sounds like he is a controlling asshole, so honestly if you only invite your cousin and not him, she probably won’t go (either he won’t let her, or as PPs have said, she might just choose not to go to avoid the possible violent reaction he might have).

Post # 9
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If he’s not invited, he’s not going to let her go anyways (most likely), so either invite them all or don’t invite any of them.  

Post # 12
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

You can always have a candid discussion with your cousin about the implications first.

 

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