(Closed) HELP! How do I not invite (and make sure others don’t) a certain family member?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Well, this isn’t going to be overly helpful on how to not invite, because I think you should invite them. They are your siblings. I’m very much of the opinion of if you invite 1 or 2, you have to invite them all.

But, if you choose to not invite them, you have to be able to deal with the backlash. Going the sneaky route is not the way to do it. Eventually, someone is going to spill the beans that you are getting married and they aren’t/weren’t invited. If you can’t tell them to their face they aren’t invited, and are relying on others to keep the secret for you, you aren’t ready to exclude them.

Post # 5
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I agree with a PP that this isn’t something you can try to sneak around or it will look like you made a mistake. Talk to your parents about it and see what they think. Be honest with how you feel and tell then you don’t want him there. And then tell him he is not invited if it comes up around him. Be ready for backlash though, I am sure there will be some in your family that will not think you are doing the right thing.

Post # 6
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

OP, in light of the abusive history you have with him, I wouldn’t want to invite him either and at that point you have a right to NOT invite him. However, you need to be the one to tell him he isn’t invited. You can’t just not tell him and hope no one else does either.

If you are THAT concerend he’d drive that far just to crash your wedding, hire security or enlist someone that understands why he isn’t invited to keep watch. You shouldn’t be worrying about that on your wedding day.

Post # 7
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Just be honest that you don’t want him there and don’t sneak around. If you feel genuinely concerned for your safety you can always hire security to keep him away. You do NOT have to invite people who have abused you, family or not.

Post # 8
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

This may be exactly what you don’t want to do.. but I heard about this couple that invited all their friends over for an engagement party, but surprised them when it was actually the wedding. Not even the bridesmaids knew until the day of. Since you’re having such a small wedding you could probably get away with not inviting them to the engagement party/wedding. Just a thought!

Post # 9
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@lionskitty:  I wouldn’t invite him either if he gives you that much anxiety.  I would also call him or send him an email saying that he is not invited and state your reasons why.

Post # 10
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

@KatyElle:  Totally agree. Honesty is best.

If he tries to retaliate, make sure you have security not only at your ceremony, but at your reception as well. I know it might seem excessive, but you certainly don’t want him coming to ruin your day.

Post # 11
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@lionskitty:  I am in the same situation and I definitely feel your pain! My brother is a pretty bad person, and we have had some rough times with him.  My brother is one to only come around when he needs something, and then always ends up causing problems within my family before disappearing again until the next time he needs something. I have not talked to him in about a year now, so I don’t think he even knows about the wedding, but I haven’t specifically told him he isn’t invited. BUT everyone in my family knows how I feel about him, and knows that he shouldn’t be there, so I don’t have a risk of anyone inviting him.

I also will give his name and picture to the front gate at the zoo I am getting married at, so they know not to let him in to the reception.

Post # 12
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@lionskitty:  Since your guest list is so small, you could maybe call everyone and personally tell them your half-brother is NOT invited and do not mention ANYTHING to him. You appreciate their willingness to help you on your special day.

Also, by all means, hire security for the day and have someone standing by that will help security identify the man. Maybe have your wedding at a winery or bed and breakfast. I know there are great ones here where I’m from.

If you must, just have a private ceremony with your mother and your closest friends and then have a small celebration afterward for your family.

Post # 13
Member
911 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry you have to stress about this when you are planning your wedding..I actually think that you telling him not to come isnt the best plan. If he is combative, he may show up just to spite you. I think you should tell your aunts and whoever else is close to you on your guest list that he is not invited and is not permitted to be there.

The topic ‘HELP! How do I not invite (and make sure others don’t) a certain family member?’ is closed to new replies.

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