(Closed) Help. How do you know when to leave or when to stay?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
4693 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

As hard as leaving seems, its your best option.

This relationship is not healthy.

 

Post # 32
Member
709 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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flirtingwithcoworker:  Oh yes, please leave. This mixed with your other thread are definitely red flags. I can tell you I was with an emotionally abusive guy and it turned physical. He abused me emotionally and went as far as spitting on me. That’s when I called it quits. You can stay with a friend, at a shelter or find a place on your own. Take the pets with you. Do it one day without letting him know and bring friends and some of your family with you or at least let them know your intentions, so if anything were to happen, people would know. Abuse warrants you taking the pets. You got this and are worth so much more. I may have been dead and I certainly would have never found Fiance if I had stayed. I have a house, dogs and will be married in a month and a half. It sucks at first and you literally have to close all communication with him. I had to block my ex’s number and block him from all social media. He’ll try to sweet talk you. Don’t listen to him. 

Post # 33
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

Definitely take the pets if at all possible. Please find safe places for them if you can’t, with your family or friends temporarily maybe. I had to leave pets behind and I don’t mean to upset you more but it ended badly. They didn’t live. 🙁

If he’s anything like the pattern I’m seeing from the other ladies and my own experience he will take his anger out on anything he perceives weaker than himself. He’s already begun with you, how hard would it be to torture an animal that can’t speak or tell anyone. 

I know you probably already realize this but I felt compelled to say it.

Post # 34
Member
260 posts
Helper bee

Sounds like he may be dealing with aome bi polar issues. Nevertheless i would say it was time to leave. Between the arguing. Cursing out. And now the flirting with the coworker. Im good. Time to go

Post # 35
Member
3723 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I would wait for the end of the semester to wrap up and then breakup. In the meantime, if it’s safe, you can just deal with it. If you can’t wait, ask to move in with a friend or sleep on their couch for the last month.

Post # 36
Member
5151 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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flirtingwithcoworker:  I read this post and your other post. You need to leave him now.

Post # 37
Member
2504 posts
Sugar bee

This isn’t normal. Fiance and I have had big blow up fights, to the point of screaming/crying/storming off, and he has NEVER called me names (nor I him) and has NEVER tried to scare me or make me feel unsafe.

People argue and fight, it happens, and people can get really emotional and don’t always act in the best way. But people who love each other never try to make the other feel unsafe. Even if you say he hasn’t hit you yet, trying to “get in your face and scare you” is just one tactic that is on it’s way there.

Post # 38
Member
1881 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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flirtingwithcoworker:  So I just read your other thread and thought, “maybe they can work this out.” And then I read this one. Nope. He is not even your husband yet and already you are dealing with this crap. RUN. He is the one caught being inappropriate with another woman, and yet YOU are the one getting screamed at and mocked? And then he blames YOU for “making” him angry? No no no!

Run like hell, he is a manipulator and an inch away from becoming an abuser. You are afraid of him because he is scary and dangerous! Trust your instincts. 

Post # 39
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

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flirtingwithcoworker:  You can love someone to the moon and back, but if you’re not happy then what’s the point? Relationships take work but shouldn’t be this hard or draining. You shouldn’t have to feel afraid of you significant other. It also doesn’t sound like there’s a whole lot of respect towards each other too.

You said yourself that in your mind you already knows what you should do. I think you need to trust yourself.

This isn’t a healthy relationship and not all relationships have to be like this. Don’t you think you deserve better? Good luck, OP, and keep us updated.

Post # 40
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I am so sorry to echo the chorus because I sincerely wish you didn’t have to go through this, but there is no other way- you have to leave. 

I know you want to help, I know you care for him, I know you hope it will get better but the truth is love is not all you need. He is already manipulating you and planting seeds as any abuser does that THIS IS YOUR FAULT. 

It is not. It is not your fault. His behavior is entirely his own discretion and he is treating you in an emotionally abusive manner. 

Please stay safe, please know you deserve the world, and please know this is not your fault. 

He is untrustworthy and scaring you. Your only priority should be your own mental and physical well being. 

It’s hard to untangle lives but in no way impossible. Find an apartment that allows pets, put the deposit down, and take a day while he is at work to move out. If you need help financially, ask parents or friends you trust. They will want you safe above anythimg else. 

If that is not an option, find even a room to rent, sacrifice your belongings, and have the animals stay with a friend or pay a friend, neighbor, or sitter to care for them while you figure it out. Explain the situation, many will want to help. 

I wish you so much love and light and know how scary it is to start over but please don’t stay because it’s daunting. The long run will prove impossible. You can do this.

And it is time to leave. 

Post # 41
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I am so sorry that you are going thru all of this. Honestly… my advice would be, to leave. I know it’s practically an impossibility to imagine. I have gone thru all of this before. You are not being treated right, you don’t feel safe, he is acting erracticly and going back and forth with what he says. He sounds very mentally unstable and you don’t want someone like that to be your partner and your rock. It already seems that you have been trying to work thru this, it’s up to you if you want to continue and I understand you wanting to. But at the same time, my advice is to leave and choose the harder option, because in the end, one day, you will be glad you did. This man sounds like bad news to me and there are much better people out there who will not make you feel this way. I also read your previous post about his flirting and that alone is a reason to leave. It’s unacceptable. I am so sorry. I send tons of hugs and I know you can get thru this, no matter how hard it seems as the moment. Things will fall into place for you in the end. They will.

Post # 42
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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flirtingwithcoworker:  I’m sorry OP.  I think you know you have to leave but your hesitation comes from the logistics of it- finishing your semester, moving out, etc.  It is MUCH harder to leave if you’re married. Listen to yourself, don’t make it harder on yourself.  We’re here for you.

Post # 43
Member
1413 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m sorry you are going through this. You should leave mostly because the behavior is a red flag for physical abuse. To top it off, he must be heavily flirting with the colleague for it to bother you and come to your attention ,

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by littlechickie.
Post # 44
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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flirtingwithcoworker:  You mentioned you are in school – most campuses have centers explicitely designed for helping people in abusive situations. I would call the one on your campus – they might be able to help you with finding housing and getting out.

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