HELP! How To Handle Parents That Mean Well..

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
47278 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

emmalynreid :  Are your parents paying for the wedding? It wouldn’t be unusual in tha case,for them to feel that they should have more say in the decision making.

If they are not, you may just have to tell them that if they continue to criticize and be inflammatory, you will have to stop discussing he wedding with hem at all.

Post # 4
Member
660 posts
Busy bee

If everyone is contributing, everyone gets a say. Make sure your parents know that his parents are also contributing money. It’s sometimes awkward to talk about money but if your parents think that it’s being paid for by them and you/your fiancé, that could be why they think it’s parents shouldn’t have any input.

Post # 5
Member
8962 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

emmalynreid :  Are you comfortable sharing a bit more detail about how and how much they are contributing? Proportionally, I mean, and an estimate is fine. Like, is it about 1/3 your parents, 1/3 his parents and 1/3 you guys? Or more like the venue down payment is his parent’s entire contribution and your parents are paying the rest except for your dress and the booze or something? 

Not saying that if they pay 80% they get to make 80% of the decisions, but knowing a bit more might help us understand what their motivation might be, which will help give better advice.

Post # 7
Member
4735 posts
Honey bee

Can you give an example of something that they are getting upset over? I’m trying to understand what has them so bent out of shape.

Post # 9
Member
9459 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

honestly, it sounds to me like when your parents say “you aren’t getting the wedding YOU want” what they mean is “we aren’t getting the wedding WE want”

Your mom just likes to say that its not what YOU want in order to not sound like she’s a MOBridezilla.. but she is… because she’s driving YOU to tears with her demands.

I’d call her on it, next time.  Not “I want to compromise iwth my husband” but “Believe it or not, this IS what I want.  Are you perhaps confusing what I want with what you want?  I want you to be happy mom, but it’s very hard to talk about compromising my wants and needs with your wants and needs if you won’t own them.”

Post # 10
Member
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020 - New York, New York

You said, “I’ve tried very hard to include both families closely in the planning process”. That’s the issue. In my opinion, they’re TOO included. Even if someone is contributing money, they shouldn’t be able to tell you who you should include in your bridal party. Ultimately, its your wedding, not theirs! I would start telling everyone as little as possible and try to keep family out of the process. 

Post # 11
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Yikes bee, both sets of parents need a juice box and a nap! It really seems like a pissing match about who is getting what. Very tit for tat. I know it’s not easy but I’d tell you patents to simmer down and accept your decisions. Weddings bring out the worst in people and everyone wants their way. There’s no pleasing everyone so try to just stand your ground and make yourselves happy because at this point you won’t be able to change your parents minds 

Post # 12
Member
660 posts
Busy bee

Yeah, your parents are behaving selfishly and I would be putting an end to it. Forcing you to have a pastor perform your ceremony and to add a bridesmaid you didn’t want is definitely crossing a line. Buying a whole new set of decorations for an engagement party is petty. Since it sounds like you’re still in the beginning stages of planning, I would set the boundaries now to make things go much more smoothly.

The next time they try to force you into a decision or convince you that what you want is not actually what you want, I would calmly and nicely explain to them that it’s your wedding, you’re grateful for their help but you are going to plan it your way.

There are certain things you will need to deal with them on relating to the money they’re giving you, but decisions like what type of ceremony it is, who’s in the bridal party, etc. are not their domain. 

Post # 14
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

It sounds like you all need to have a Come to Jesus Meeting and hash out (resectfully) what your expectations are so everyone hears the same thing, no second hand chattering.

Make your expectations clear – cool, calm communication and just saying what each of you expect.

Per the Catholic/pastor/officiate issue:  Do not get bullied into having a religious wedding if you don’t want one.  Manhy parents have unrealistic expectations here, plus a Catholic priest won’t come to a venue to marry a couple, it has to be done in the parish.

Per the bridesmaid issue:  This should be a non issue.  You ask YOUR nearest and dearest, NOT who your mom thinks you should have.  Be firm on that one.

I agree with other posters that you have a pissing match between parents, perhaps some upfront conversation can help!

Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
4735 posts
Honey bee

emmalynreid :  Oh boy. You have my sympathy. But your mother was right when she said to include the long-time be. You really can’t invite one brother’s be and not the other, regardless of how close you are to them. It just looks like you’re deliberately excluding one and encourages hurt feelings.

I dont think you should discuss the wedding any further with your mother. Just tell her that you and your Fiance need to make a decision together. He needs to be on board with this tactic as well, as she has no problem going around you to get his inout.

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