- 4 years ago
Hi Bees, this is my first post, and I’m a little nervous! Really appreciate helpful advice from brides-to-be in the same situation and please, no judgement.
My SO and I have been together for 3 and a half years, and recently he has been hinting that things will start to happen soon. We are so in love, couldn’t be happier and I can’t wait to marry the man of my dreams! But – there’s one problem…. The wedding.
For the last 6 years my mother and I have had a terrible relationship, all stemming from my childhood and teenage years from her alcoholism and constant abuse. I moved out when I was sixteen to escape her and have had my own life seperate from her ever since. Now, even as a young woman with a promising career, beautiful home and incredible partner, she cannot for the life of her be happy for me. She gains more out of my failures than successes, and I fully understand that she is just jealous… But she is getting out of control and the abuse is getting worse. We haven’t spoken in over 3 months because I have nothing to say to her, and I’m worried for the next bout of abuse… It’s controlling me and I don’t know how to nip it in the bud. She absolutely HATES my father, and the relationship that I have built with him based on love and trust. I have many times argued the fact that I am a different person to my dad, and that she should in no way transfer her hatred for him onto me.
On the other hand, I have the most wonderful relationship with my father and my step-mother and we spend a great deal of time together as we live close by. We own an investment property together, go travelling together and are about to move into place together while we save some more money for travelling/wedding. They have a great relationship with my SO and love him to bits, I know they would be devastated if we couldn’t have the wedding of our dreams because of this ongoing issue.
I’m not a future predictor, but I know my mother well enough to know how she will act at my wedding. Her side of the family is only small, and there are only a few people that I would want there. My grandparents would be unable to make the effort (which I know for sure as they have not for my other cousins). I have three cousins on her side but they are much older and we are not close. It would be a nice gesture to invite them but I know they wouldn’t come, and we are trying to keep the wedding numbers small. So it would literally be my mother, not knowing anyone (as she has been out of this state for too long to know any of my close friends), sitting through a ceremony she has never personally experienced (she’s never been married), and seeing the happiness of my SO and I, plus that of my Dad and Step-mum. Then the drinks start! And by this stage she would feel so terrible that she will just drink and drink until she starts being abusive (mentally and physically) – and that is most certainly NOT what I want on my wedding day. I want a stress-free day to spend with my closest family and friends, celebrating the love between my gorgeous partner and I. Not drama. Not fights. Not any of this.
I have expressed this many times to my SO and he totally agrees – we shouldn’t invite her. Where do you draw the line between someone being your mother and being an acquaintance that treats you terribly? If a friend treated me like that, would I stick around? It seems that I just keep getting used and it’s really upsetting because she’s intentionally trying to hurt me.
We’ve come up with a plan, but there are some challenges. If we get married in Australia, she will make sure to come and ruin the day (if she’s invited, of course). If we don’t invite her at all, I can kiss our relationship goodbye. The other plan (which is quite scheming) is to get married overseas and invite her, knowing that she will be unable to come because she doesn’t have a passport and will not be able to afford one.
My SO and I are looking into Bali (we have been before and it is so beautiful, plus so cheap by comparison). The only problem is that this may mean that other friends and family may not be able to make it due to time off work, expenses, etc.
What would you do in this situation? Have you been in a pickle similar before? How did the other person react? Would love to hear your feedback. Thanks in advance!!