(Closed) Help, I Am A Terrible Person :( (Long)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
4649 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@principessek:  Just try to remember that nobody knows the inside of a relationship but the people in it, even a sister! I’m certain they struggle like everyone else at times and there’s things that drive them crazy, but they may keep it totally private.

I know the feeling. I get jealous occasionally of a friend whose long term boyfriend (probably soon to be FI) is from a wealthy family and has a very high-level, well-paid job. They take fancy vacations and she wouldn’t have to work if she didn’t want to. (She does, which makes it even worse, since I soooo don’t but I have to!) But they’ve been through a lot too, and I’m happy for their success now, even if I’m a little envious at times.

I admit I’ve even had the same thoughts as you, even though I’d never change my relationship or my Fiance… I’ve definitey wished we were richer (and not due to any effort from me, if you know what I mean.) 

It’s not evil to feel jealous as long as you see and understand and manage it, which it seems like you’re doing well. 

Also, you can always talk to your husband if it seems like he’s not meeting your romantic expectations. He probably doesn’t even realize there’s an issue — he just loves you and expects you to know it. My Fiance gets like that sometimes, and I have to nudge him that I like the occasional reminder. If you know about the “five love languages” that can be really handy to frame that conversation. (You tell each other about your love languages and he can learn the way to make you feel loved the most.)

Post # 4
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Money isn’t everything, but it helps. Going into a marriage, I’ve learned you need to make sure you know every. last. detail. about your (wo)man. It isn’t an invasion of privacy to ask your future husband how much he makes a year. You guys should have talked about how you can make things work with your incomes(when you, of course, had a job).

But coulda, woulda, shoulda, right? Being a bit jealous is normal. Be thankful that your husband has a job where as you don’t at the moment. Maybe he can also try looking for a second job while you keep searching. I don’t mean to get all religious on ya, but God never puts you in situations you can not handle. It’s really nice, though, to see you are genuinely also happy for your sister. Talk to your husband more about what you both want from each other. Communication is key and nothing will ever change if you don’t talk about it.

Hope you find a job soon and that you both are financially comfortable!

Post # 5
3414 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Lodge

You are not a horrible person for being jealous of someone who has more money. Unfortunatley our economy is driving us towards being more material minded. If I could give you a big hug and tell you to not beat yourself up over this I would. If it makes you feel any better I too get jealous of people who make more money than I do. I went to college and got my Bachelors and a nursing license and I feel I am definitely underpaid for my education status. My Fiance does not have a college degree and works for construction. He will never have a job that will pay his better than what he makes now. And I will be honest with you I often look at the doctors I work with and secretly wish my Fiance was a doctor. I am also jealous of my baby brother who just graduated college yesterday and already has a job lined up making $75,000 a year while I’m only making $35,000…sigh.

But I have to remind myself that money does not buy happiness. Talk to your husband about your feelings. Supressing how you feel is not going to make those feelings disappear, in fact they will just get worse. Let him know that while you love him  you had hoped to have a more financially stable life to raise kids in. Make long term goals for your careers together as wel as for your families. And the best advice I was given on relationships is that even married couples need to still date each other. Meaning once a week or every other week sponaneously (or planned) go out to eat, to the movies, go on a picnic and reaffirm how you feel about each other.

Post # 6
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You are not a horrible person, this is very natural. Many years ago I had a friend who was an heiress and I had similar pangs. Try the best you can to “run your own race” – share with your husband how important security is to you and work together on a plan to try to improve your financial stability. And *do* try to stay connected, agree w pp on date nights and maintaining physical intimacy. You can have a marriage as ‘rich’ as your sister’s in its own way. But when jealousy hits, don’t beat yourself up!

Post # 7
4997 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You aren’t a horrible person, but I think you are focusing on how jealous you are rather than the root of the problem, which is that it sounds like you aren’t happy. If you were really happy, you might be a little jealous of your sister but not like this. I come from a wealthy family and now I am on my own and my Fiance and I are nowhere near wealthy, and I can tell you that money does NOT buy happiness. I could go on and on about this, but money does not make a marriage, or a life. 

Post # 8
9048 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t think you’re a horrible person at all.  I think it’s very natural to be jealous when you perceive someone else to have things so easily, but I’m sure she’ll have challenges just like everyone else.  ((HUGS))

Post # 9
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It’s okay to feel the way you feel. Just don’t act upon it.

You do not know their relationship. Lots of issues will surface with such a HUGE age difference. He will get older faster once he hits a certain #. It is funny how ‘age’ works. 

Also, money comes and goes. There is NOTHING in this world stopping you and your DH from starting a business or doing something that will allow you a better financial standing. I know it is not easy but it is not unheard of either. You WILL need to put your mind, body, soul and every penny you got into it if you choose to start a business together. You reap what you sow.

If you concentrate TOO much on how much you sis will have as compared to you, then that is exactly what all you wil ever see. Count on how much YOU have with your DH. I can guarantee that your list will be endless. 

I too had apprehensions about having and supporting a big family. But then I looked around and realized MANY ppl do it all the time who are less off than me in many respects. And even if I were wealthier than where we are now, I am 100% certain I would not give my kids anything beyond a comfortable lifestyle. They will have to work hard to get it. Including education. They will not be supported by me. Sorry! I didn’t get it from my parents because we weren’t even close to being well off and at the time I didn’t like it. But over time I developed a strong character and financial sense that I would not have gotten any other way except through real life experiences.

And as a kid, I never felt less off compared to my other cousins even though my parents were living paycheque to paycheque. Kids don’t see (or to a large extent) need your paycheques. They need basic things such as food, clothing, shelter and I am certain you can do a better than average job of that. The most important thing they need is to see their mum and dad HAPPY TOGETHER. Kids need to be honed into fine young individuals. That doesn’t cost money. If you can do THAT for your kids, you are already 100 times better off than your sis.

ETA: I left my millionaire BF long ago because I realized money doesn’t solve issues. And he WAS a very nice guy and a gentleman to boot. He was self-made but rich ppl do have their own issues (which I won’t get into here right now). So rest assured your sister’s relationship isn’t all that it’s cut out to be. 

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