- 6 years ago
- Wedding: March 2012
Hi, I am a longtime lurker here. The six months before my wedding, reading through this site helped me so much with ideas, reassurance and getting excited about the wedding. I am very ashamed of what I am about to post because, as the title suggests, you will despise me and I feel terrible. However, I really need to let my feelings out, so here goes.
I have a sister who is dating a mogul, an insanely wealthy and succesful man with an international business. He comes from a very well known, powerful and influential family. Unlike most such people, he is very kind, deep and down to earth. There is a significant age difference between them (let’s say he was a teenager when she was born) but you wouldn’t be able to tell by looking at them. He is very handsome and emotionally and intellectually mature, which is what she needs. Also, with this kind of age difference, she will always be “young and fresh” to him, so that’s wonderful. He seems close to proposing, as his family (who all adore her) have hinted several times.
So, what’s the problem? In case you haven’t noticed yet, it’s the green-eyed monster. I am so jealous and I’m really ashamed of that :(. Nobody knows this, but it’s eating at me that I can’t have the life my sister is about to have too :(. I had to put it this bluntly because I need to admit it to myself too and come clean.
I am already married and have been for almost 7 months now. I love my husband but nobody is perfect. He works in a very respectable job that could even be considered prestigious and works harder than anyone I have ever known. However, his salary is far from proportional to the work he puts in and is shockingly low. So low, in fact, that it will be a while before we can support a child. He did not tell me how much he earned before we got married. All I asked him while we were engaged was whether he was sure he could financially support a household and he said absolutely. Truth is, we barely make ends meet. As for me, I recently lost my job and am struggling to find a new one. I have not been lucky in my career, so I am a bit behind my peers on that. When I was a child, my family suffered a huge financial catastrophe and it was a very tough time for me. All I ever wanted since then, was to give any children I have financial security and spare them the stress I felt as a child. I wished too that when I was older, I could feel this kind of financial security myself. I know this makes me sounds really greedy. I would never marry a man for his money, and I would always continue to work, no matter how wealthy we were. It’s just the sweet luxury of not having to struggle and stress about money, not having to worry about making ends meet, not having to worry about satisfying your child’s needs.
Now I’m feeling that not only do I not have that but i will also feel extremely inferior to my sister, with the lifestyle, clothes, jewelry, everything that she will have. Unless something changes, my children will feel inferior to their cousins. She has told me she would love to have four children and so would I. But it seems that she will be able to afford having such a large family and I won’t.
It also hurts to watch how romantic, excited and infatuated her man is with her, when my husband is not particularly romantic. It’s our second anniversary today (of the day we met) and he has only kissed me and jokingly said happy anniversary. He is an extremely kind and loving man but sometimes has a temper and isn’t normally particularly romantic in the typical sense. Of course, while we were engaged and especially when we were first dating, he was much more romantic than he is now. I find that with my sister’s situation, I am starting to resent my husband! I can’t believe it, but I’m not feeling particularly romantic towards him, even on our second dating anniversary. I can’t believe it and it maked me feel so guilty and terrible. I must be a monster. He has done so much for me, he has been a good husband. He is extremely handsome. How could I feel this way? Can jealousy really take me that far? It is even starting to show and he has asked me a few times what’s wrong. I feel terrible. I married my first ever boyfriend and am now starting to wonder what else is out there for me :(. My thoughts are so ugly! “Did I make the right choice? Maybe I could have found a more successful man.”
I just want to say that, having said all that, I don’t wish any of this away for my sister. I love her so much and want her to be happy. She has suffered so much relationship-wise with all the wrong men and had her heart broken, stabbed and stepped on by her previous boyfriend. I am happy she’s happy. I just wish so badly I could have the same. Everyone said my wedding was amazing but her wedding looks like it will be a fairytale, that my wedding will become an embarrassment. Her engagement ring will probably be so huge and perfect and she will choose the setting she wants for it. I never got to choose mine, he gave me an “heirloom” ring but he jokes in public that his grandparents received it as a gift 🙁
As I said, I am a terrible person. If anyone ahs any advice or words of wisdom to me, they would be very much appreciated. As you can see, I can never share this ugliness with people who know me. They would immediately lose all respect of me, as I have myself. But I can’t help how I feel 🙁