(Closed) help. i don't want my wedding to turn into a memorial service!

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Unless it was either of your Mom or Dads… Who are KEY PLAYERS in one’s Wedding Day.  Then, I’d say you’ve done enough already with the Memorial Table.

I understand your Fiance’s Family wishes to remember whomever…

BUT you are right… too much and it is going to take away from the JOY that is supposed to surround a Wedding.

This is precisely WHY Etiquette says that when someone significant passes in a family, that a Wedding should not take place for at least a year… so that the family has time to grieve… and in turn the Bride & Groom can be allowed the honour they deserve to CELEBRATE their LOVE & JOY unencumbered.

Hope this helps,


Post # 4
4429 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@lilchicana:  nope not at all me and FH thought about this very thing and he said no its our wedding not a funeral babe lol so were not doing anything like that for our passed away loved ones. im using my grandmothers lace to wrap my flowers in and hes using his grandfathers watch were honoring them that way we dont want our day turned sad.

i agree with you totally

Post # 5
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think that you (well, your Fiance really) need to just stick to your decision and, when necessary, gently remind them that this is a wedding, not a memorial service.  

People get weird about weddings. 

Post # 6
2778 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Elvis:  Agreed!

We have had several family members die in the past few years it’s been a huge bummer.  Everyone on my side is so happy to be planning something that is not a funeral so we will have no mention of this at all.  

Post # 8
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think the memorial table is enough as far as the reception goes… I hate it when people bring sad moments into happy events…

I think perhaps a good compromise is a moment of silence right at the beginning of the ceremony (I’ve attended many weddings and celebrations where this has happened). That way you get sad bit out of the way and everyone can be happy and party after.

Post # 9
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@ms_protea:  –> LIKE

Ya maybe you could have the Officiant say something like…

“We are gathered here today to join together ___ & ___ in Marriage and to celebrate their love and lives and the people that they have become thru the love and support of their family & friends.  We will now take a minute’s silence to reflect on those who shaped their lives, who cannot be with them today.”

And then go into the rest of the intro and the bit where the Officiant (if it is a Religious Ceremony) talks about the meaning of this commitment before God & a Prayer etc.

Hope this helps,


Post # 10
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

We had a catholic wedding and had DH’s mom mentioned during the prayers of the faithful. Darling Husband lit a candle in memory following her name being read. During the reception itself, we had a place setting for her at his family’s table and a rose was set on the plate. I know it is a fine line between memorializing someone and changing the mood of the wedding.

In my opinion, if you could include a line in your ceremony along the lines of, “The bride and groom would like to take a moment to remember those who are no longer with us, especially grandma, aunt, etc. ” it might be a compromise for you and Fiance. If something is going to be said, make it quick and do it during the ceremony itself- not the reception. The reception is a party and guests don’t want to stop celebrating to be sad.


Sorry- didn’t read some of the previous posts and now see this was suggested!

Post # 11
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@lilchicana:  I think I prefer your idea.

I went to a wedding awhile back where the wedding ceremony opened with a prayer for those who had passed, there were chairs set aside with pictures, they did a dove release for the deceased family members and at the very end there was a song that was sung for them.

My dad and I later commented that at times it seemed like a funeral with a wedding dress.

I think a memorial table/area at the reception, maybe a passing mention in a thank you speech– those are the times for it.

Post # 12
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

There’s a time to mourn – at a funeral!

Your wedding is to celebrate you guys sharing the rest of your lives together. It’s very sad that they’ve lost family members, but that’s not what your wedding is about.

Also, from a completely heartless perspective… I’m not paying money for my guests to come and remember someone else. It’s mine and my fiance’s day damn it! The memorial table is enough.

Post # 13
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I want to do something special to remember my mom, and FI’s grandparents (they raised him). So I am having a memorial candle, and something on the last page of our programs. I may put a picture of my mother in my boquet. That’s it. We talked about a special prayer, and other stuff. But this is our wedding, not their funeral. We had their funerals already. We simply want to acknowledge how much they are missed. If they were alive, they would be a huge part of our wedding day. So it just seems proper to acknowledge that. But we also know that they would want our wedding day to be a happy day. So, for ourselves, our guests and in honor of them; we will do our best to keep it happy and light hearted. I wish you luck, this really is a difficult subject. I hope you can make your Fiance understand your point of view.

Post # 14
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

It’s probably easiest to say you wouldn’t want to offend other people by who you left out of your prayer, especially if you’ve lost a few family members recently. 

Post # 16
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO – lilchicana:  Thanks for the UPDATE… awesome news.

May Cupid & the “Weather Gods” shine down upon you on Saturday… as you and your Hubby-2-B celebrate your Wedding Day

BEST WISHES to both of you !!

PS… Hopefully you’ll post some more on WBee post Wedding too !!


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