- 8 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
I am shattered, and I could really use some advice. We have been together for over 4 years now, and we are supposed to be getting married in less than 4 months. I just found out last week that he cheated on me while we were living apart. Our story is long, so I’ll try to condense it for you.
I met D while I was a study abroad student 4 years ago. We had a whirlwind romance during the 4 months I was living abroad, and then he came home to the States with me for the summer. Then we both had to finish school, so he went back home and we did long distance for a whole year. After I graduated, he still had one more year of school, so I decided to move to be with him. We spent a year together living in his parents’ house, then after he graduated, he couldn’t find work and I was never able to find any decent employment. I was working in a hostel and wanted to go home and see if I would have better luck finding a job in the States. We didn’t want to end our relationship, but we didn’t know what to do either because we both couldn’t find jobs and I was tired of living in his parents’ house. So I went home to look for a job, and he stayed home to also look for a job. We ended up BOTH finding jobs in our respective countries within the same week. So we both started working, and we kept the long distance going for a whole nother year.
During this year, we were constantly discussing who should make the move, and we agreed that it was best for me to come back because I wasn’t that happy with my job and I decided I might like to go back to graduate school and could do that where he lived. We were only able to see each other a total of 4 weeks during that year – 4 visits of 1 week duration (he visited me 3 times, I visited him once). During my visit, he proposed to me and I was so happy – it made me feel better about moving back because I felt like I had security and I knew we were going to be together forever, so it was worth the sacrifice of uprooting myself a second time.
Sorry this is so long, i’m getting to the guts of it now. I just found out last Wendesday that D cheated on me 2 weeks after he proposed to me and I went back home. He met a girl in a bar and kissed her, then saw her approximately once a week for about 5 weeks after that. Most times they just met up for drinks and kissed, but one night he stayed in a hotel with her. Then after 5 weeks, he suddenly cut her off completely and never responded to another text from her again. I only found out because this girl sent me a message on Facebook a year ago that I never saw until just now. I know all these details because SHE TOLD ME all of them, and after intially denying it, D finally confessed it was all true.
I was in complete shock. D and I skyped almost every day while we were doing long distance, and even though it was very difficult being apart at times, I never suspected he was doing anything like this.
Now I’m living in our apartment alone – I’ve sent him home to live in his parents house – and trying to figure out what to do with myself. I still have 7 months of college left – I’m half way through getting a masters degree, and I’ve already paid for the whole thing. I’m also supposed to be marrying him in 3 months and 3 weeks. His whole family and his dad’s best friend have spent a lot of money on plane tickets to the U.S. for our wedding, and they’re all so excited about it and hoping we can work through this and go ahead with the wedding.
I just don’t feel excited about the wedding at all anymore, all I feel is doubt. D has apologized and cited a number of reasons why he thinks he did it – the idea of marriage scared him, he was lonely and I was away, he was out with his buddies and was drunk. But that doesn’t excuse the fact that he went back, 5 times, for more. He lied to me. He wouldn’t even confess at first after he was caught.
I know he is completely ashamed and regrets it, and I don’t think there was any emotional attachment to this girl. I think it was really just about the company of a woman, the stress of the long distance. And the fact that he didn’t think there was any way I could find out.
He says the incident made him realize that he IS ready to marry me, and he insists that he wants to go through with the wedding. He says he didn’t tell me because he knew I would leave him, which I probably would have because I hadn’t moved back over here yet and the wedding plans were only starting to take shape. Now I feel like I’m in so deep – I’ve moved over here to be with him, we’ve been getting along great, we finally have our own apartment together, we have money, we get to see each other every day instead of once every 3 months. We have a cat together. We’ve spent a whole additional year together that may have never happened if I had seen the message.
Wow, this is really long – thanks for still reading, if you are. I guess I could just use some outside perspective, besides what I’ve been getting from D’s family and my mom and friends. Everybody loves D, and they’re all shocked that he would be capable of doing this to me. He’s such a sweethearted guy, and I want to forgive him, I just don’t know if I can ever put this out of my mind. Additionally, I have to decide pretty quickly whether I should call this wedding off so I can try to get my deposits back. I also have a $3,000 catering bill that’s due in 3 weeks, and I need to decide soon whether to tell my out of town guests to cancel their travel plans. Any feedback would be much appreciated!