(Closed) Help – I just found out fiance cheated on me a year ago

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1290 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I am so sorry. I would not marry this man. He didn’t slip, maybe the first time but the other four were purposeful along with the deception. Stay there, finish your education, then move far away from him! Hugs.

Post # 4
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@MeganRenee:  I am so sorry this is happening to you.  I don’t really have any advice, but I just wanted to send out my hugs to you because I know this must be a really hard situation to deal with.  Its really up to you, and what you think you can forgive or deal with.  & The thought of knowing well, what if this could happen again?  To me, he covered this up for a year with no intentions on ever telling you, its not even the cheating, its that fact… What else is he not telling you?  I think you need to think about all of these things.  I wish you the best.

Post # 5
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MeganRenee:  I think that if you have a church or temple that you attend, that you go and speak with a counselor, or priest or rabbi.  They may be able to give you some insight on forgiveness (if that’s what you’re trying to do).  Make him go with you or by himself.  You are the only one that can make this decision.  I’m not going to tell you to leave him because I know how hard it is to come to terms with leaving.  If that is what is supposed happen, it will happen when it’s meant to.  Call the vendor and ask for an extra week or 2 extension.  Make a pro’s and con’s list.  Do whatever it is you need to do to figure this out.  Don’t make any hasty decisions.  Think things through.  Only you know what is best for you.  I’m sorry you have to deal with this… best of luck.

Post # 6
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Okay…here I go LOL

  Reading this I thought well, if it was a onetime drunken mistake, while I was gone a year, HE told me about it, and it was before we were engaged I could forgive him and just pay more attention to what’s going on.  OH but then I read it was after he asked you to marry him and more than a few times seeing her, SHE told you, then he tried to lie about it?! OH hell no girl!  I would move way on, but that is me. This is a whole mess of betrayal.

For you it depends on how you feel about it. You said shocked which you are obviously still in. 3-4 months is not enough time to even grasp who you will deal with this emotionally in time. I would have been livid to no end. I think for you and the way you wrote this my advice would be to postpone the wedding don’t go through with it so soon no matter how much money others has spend or pets you have together your family will understand.  3-4 months is NOT enough time to heal from such a wound and getting married feeling betrayed, lied to, and cheated on is just not the way to start a marriage. 

Post # 7
Member
5075 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

He’s a grown man who made a choice to cheat on you. Repeatedly. It doesn’t matter “what made him do it”.

Do not marry this man.

Post # 8
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

If you decide to leave him (and I think I would, but who can say without being in the position) PLEASE don’t feel guilty about guests travel arrangements or making an inconvenience for other people. 

If the wedding is called off, it is entirely his fault.  He cheated on you.  Just because he still wants to marry you doesn’t mean it’s not his fault.  He broke your trust, ruined your engagement– it’s his fault if people lose money over travel plans.

Post # 9
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I can’t think of any useful advice, so I’m just going to say that I read the while thing; and I’m hoping you figure things out, and sending internet hugs. 

Post # 10
Member
13010 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow, I am so sorry.

Honestly, if it were me, I wouldn’t be able to get past it.  Cheating, multiple times, and lying are major deal breakers for me.  It all depends on how you feel.  Do you trust him?  If you went on vacation right now, would you worry about him cheating?

I think at the very least, you should postpone the wedding.  He should tell his family what happened so they know why it was postponed and that they need to try to get their travel arrangements refunded. 

Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
9688 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

This is so tough, and I am so sorry for your pain.  I don’t doubt that D does regret his actions, now that he has been found out.  He just screwed up his entire life, big time.  And you are the one suffering for it. 

But now you know some things about Colin that you didn’t know before.  He is capable of deceiving you utterly and for quite a long time – five weeks of regularly seeing someone when he was committed to marry you is unbelievably messed up.  He is capable of being so two-faced that he could carry on two intimate relationships at the same time with neither woman suspecting.  I can imagine she felt equally devastated when he suddenly disappeared on her.  He used both of you.  He lied, repeatedly.  His “guilt” didn’t kick in until after he seduced another woman, and once he got her to have sex with him he coldly and cruelly dumped her.  You didn’t enter his thoughts during that time.  What he did is selfish and hurtful to an extreme degree.

Now that you know more about the true character of the man you were planning to marry you have to decide if you want to live with someone who could do that you for the rest of your life.  I am not saying you shouldn’t forgive him.  I am not saying you necessarily should not marry him.  Just know, clear as day, if you do marry him what you are getting yourself into.  It’s not likely he will change that aspect of his character, but he may.  Or he may just get way better at keeping secrets.  I don’t see how you will ever be able to trust him again. I don’t think I would be able to overcome that one.

Once again, I am so, so sorry for your pain. 

Post # 12
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

*sigh* tough one..i would be broken hearted yes..but you know, i believe everyone deserves a second chance, we all have “sins” in our past, things we regret and that we’re grateful someone forgave us (talking of me, of course!).  If you truly love him and if you feel he truly loves you..

Post # 13
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Otulyssa:  agreed. OP, if it was a one time thing, and he fessed up immediately, then yeah I would say go for it. BUT, it was more than one time, he did it cuz he thought you woudln’t find out, he had just PROPOSED to you, and when you confronted him, he lied about it.

Sorry, but that would not be ok with me.

Post # 14
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m so sorry.  You’re in my thoughts.  You know him best – I think in your gut you’ll already know what to do, it’s just hard to listen sometimes.

Post # 15
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@abbie017:  If you went on vacation right now, would you worry about him cheating?

I think these are really good things to think about.  What if you had to go away for research or work for a few months?  I’m an anxious person and I don’t know if I’d ever stop wondering.  I dated a guy who used to love seeing his exes at parties and talking with them online– it was mostly harmless but I couldn’t get past it and always wondered what he was doing on his computer or who was at parties when we were in an LDR.  My brain just went into overdrive and I wasn’t able to trust him again?  But he also never truly acknowledged the problem.  He lied about it, said he “didn’t know why” he did it, only admitted to it after he’d been caught, etc. etc.  I needed him to say “this was totally wrong of me and I’ll never do it again” and then prove it to me… but he couldn’t do that. 

Post # 16
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

For me personally, I would always wonder if there were other girls and other times that you still don’t know about.  I would also wonder if he’s saying that he knows he wants to marry you now just to backtrack and try to clear his name a little.  I just know that I would never again be able to look at him without wondering if anything coming from his mouth is truthful or not.  

Also, it’s not like you both had just started dating… it was right after he asked you to spend your life with him in monogamy!  Right after the wedding and the vows, is he going to get “freaked out by marriage” again and do it again??  Sorry, that’s just my personal take.  I think you’ll need some more time to do some soul searching and figure out what’s best for you.  I think your best thing to do in the immediate is postpone the wedding.

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