Post # 32
Ok that girl is a POS in my book. She knew about you but still continued to sleep with your Fiance. And sorry, the excuses your Fiance gave you sounds like what my DH would say that most men do….he was saying ANYTHING to make you feel better and try to calm you down.
I’m most upset that he didn’t tell you…most of the time when people mess up, we try to be adults about it and come clean. Keeping it a secret until you found out, OK you found out, he denied it, then later admitted it sounds like super immaturity on his part.
I’m sorry you are going through this…you did a good job by separating yourself from him at the moment. I’m not going to tell you what to do but I think you really need to think about how long you it is going to take you to get over this. Can you forgive him?
Post # 33
no one can tell you to leave him you’ve invested a lot of time with this man the only one who can make this decision is you! being so close to a wedding should not be a factor because this is the rest of your life i don’t think you should feel pressured by family and friends just to go through with it because your already this far its a lot to think about and like @BodyByViGirl:
said this was purposeful and he had no intention of telling you what so ever that said… only you know every aspect of this we dont know him we are just people you dont know staring at a computer screen but you need to listen to your heart if you think you should go through with the wedding then you should but you cant hold this over his head forever remember that and also remember you can post pone the wedding it will be a big pain in the ass but this is the rest of your life we are talking about GL and much love!!!!
Post # 34
I guess I feel I should add a few more details to focus the discussion a bit –
D’s whole family and my mom all know the full details of what happened. He’s been living in his parents house the past week feeling miserable, his dad texting me and calling me all the time to make sure I’m ok. And all these people who know us and know what happened, they think we should work through it. Even my mom thinks if I decide to forgive him, it could be the right thing. But then again, they’re sortof biased toward that opinion.
I also want to add that I am 25 and D is 28. Someone mentioned maybe it was an issue of immaturity, but I don’t think that’s really the case.
He keeps saying it was just a lapse – we did long distance for, in total, about 2 years. It was not easy. I thought numerous times about cheating, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually do it. And it wasn’t because I didn’t love him, it was just easy to lose sight of our relationship when it didn’t really seem real – I was basically dating my computer.
It’s always been a struggle for us to make our relationship work – the back and forth between our two countries, trying to get visas, trying to figure out how we can stay together. There were numerous times where we acknowledged it would be easier to just throw in the towel and give up, but we couldnt bring ourselves to do it. We were so in love.
I also want to add that, while I don’t accept any blame for what happened, I do admit that I was probably pressuring D into proposing to me. I pretty much told him I wasn’t going to move back over here unless we were engaged because it was such a huge sacrifice to make. But in the end, it was his decision to actually do it, and he says he doesn’t regret doing it.
I don’t know. I love him so much and we have such a great connection. I want to believe this is a one time lapse. We’ve been through so much together, and I’d hate to have to throw it all away now.
Post # 35
finish your masters but leave him. If it was once…. Perhaps I can see you working it out. But he saw heronce or twice a week for five weeks!!! Aww hell no.
Post # 36
If it were me, I would not marry him. If it had been a one night stand then I would entertain the idea of going forward with the relationship. But your Fiance hooked up with this one girl time and time again. He consciously made plans, looked forward to the plans, got ready for the plans, planned on how to lie to you right before and after having sex with her, and then went and did the whole thing again. What he was doing was planned out and he did it knowing it would hurt you. It makes me wonder if he has cheated on you more times than this and this chick is the one who went out of the way to tell you? Engagements are supposed to be one of the happiest times together as a couple when you’re planning your future together. Instead of planning your future your Fiance was banging some chick, not cool. And you deserve much better. Stick with your studies and find a man who wants to be with only you.
Post # 37
Wow, I cant even imagine how hard this must be for you. I know what its like to be locked in with caterers and other vendors.. not to mention you have told everyone about the event and they are excited about it. I am sure that you have made so many arrangements for this wedding. But, this shouldnt be what determines whether or not you marry him. Unfortunately for all this work you have done, he still lied to you at the end of the day. You still have to live with the decisision you make, and your family and friends may not agree with your decision at first, but trust me, they will come around. He completely decieved you.. and AFTER he proposed to you! Thats what makes this so hard. If it were a one night thing, then I would personally be more willing to forgive. And my belief is that once your married, you work through things. But do you really love him enough to take the chance of this happening again? Because the way he did it, the hiding it from you and seeing her 4 more times makes me think that he is a good lier and could possibly decieve you again. I just want you to really think about this decision and go with your heart for the real answer. Is there anyway you could postpone the wedding just to give yourself some more time? Once your married, it is sooo much harder to call things off. Marriage should be a lifelong decision. I wish you the best of luck and my prayers go out to you. I really hope that you find happiness and the right thing to do. I just hate that you have to make this rushed decision that you could regret later. Take some soul searching away from him and family, maybe with a priest/church and maybe you will find your answer. Good luck to you and wish you the best.
Post # 38
You sound like you want to make it work. I personally, don’t think you should, but looking practically at your situation– do you love him enough to forget all of this? Do you want to stay with him enough that you’re willing to let him do this?
I think, if you can block it out and be happy this way and make excuses for him, maybe that’s what works for you. I just worry 5 years down the line you’ll still be worried about what he’s doing at the bar or he’ll be a repeat offender.
Post # 39
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
You need to postpone the wedding. I agree with PP that 4 months isn’t enough time to deal with this. (If people can’t change their travel plans, every American who’s been there lists Ireland as one of their favorite travels- no one will be upset with you.)
I don’t think you can (or should) get it out of your mind. Like noodle4hd said, “(he) carried on a 5 week sexual relationship with another woman after he’d proposed to me”
“…he didn’t think there was any way I could find out.”- abbie017 also has a good point- “If you went on vacation right now, would you worry about him cheating?” What happens when you come back to the US to visit your family, and he can’t travel with you?
It doesn’t sound like he’s mature enough to get married at this point.
Post # 40
Also, I wanted to add that yes, LDR are ridiculously hard. You said you thought about cheating but didn’t do it. That’s all he had to do, too. I’m in an LDR and of course I miss hanging out with someone, just holding hands and kissing someone whenever I want… but that’s what I signed up for. He could have at least had the decency to talk to you about it or the maturity to examine his feelings before he did this 5 times. 5 times is not a lapse, it’s a planned decision.
He didn’t drunkenly kiss a girl and then say “what did I do??” and regret it in the light of the next day. He kissed a girl and said “let’s do that again next week.”
Post # 41
OP, I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I’ve been there too, so if you need to talk, feel free to PM me.
Post # 42
Ok, I just read your last comment and it sounds like you want to work it out. I would never look down on someone who does this, and i think it takes a real strong person to do so. I don’t think I could in your situation but I have seen many couples overcome infidelity. One thing that I think is a positive in this situation is that he has told his family. If I had to tell my family I cheated on my Fiance they would express such disappointment in me. I think its good he is probably receiving backlash for his actions from more people than just you. Also, you guys were in a what I would consider extreme circumstances, with you guys being apart for so long. I don’t find him having sex with someone else acceptable but I can see why it could happen. If you do go along with the wedding I would be very careful, but it sounds like you guys do have a good relationship. I hope you are content with whatever decision you make.
Post # 43
Do you want to be married for the right reasons?
Right now, i think you are feeling pressure because the wedding is 4 months away, and certain people would like to see the wedding happen. Ask yourself, if there was no engagement ring, would you still pursue him? Or would you finally figure out that he fdidnt want you. He wanted another woman to have sex with and have fun with, rather then you.
Because that is what he did. not for a momentary lapse, but for 5 weeks. He choose every time her, rather then you. He did not WANT YOU. Im sorry, its Harsh words, but its reality, and this is no time for fluffing.
Trust me, there are men out there who would never even consider thinking of doing that – because they love the woman they are with so much. AND they do it for a lifetime – because they love the woman that they are with. MEN will tell you that.
You deserve that kind of man. He is not that man.
It will be hard, but do the right thing for YOURSELF. No money in the world is worth doing the right decision – suck up the wedding loss and consider it a wise valuable lesson. I would consider you a wise woman for doing that, and your trsutworthy future husband (is waiting somewhere for you!) will be in awe of what a strong smart capable woman you are.
You deserve happily ever after, with all the trust that goes along with it. really.
edited to say – REMEMBER you just found out a week ago, NOT when it just happened. HE LIED TO YOU THAT WHOLE TIME.
Post # 44
OP, yes, he could have “wanted you” and if you’d been there then I’m sure he would have been in your bed instead of hers. But you weren’t there and he wasn’t willing to wait and be faithful to you. He wanted this other girl and you need to be able to trust him when you’re not there.
Post # 45
Thank you for your response, I guess that’s another thing that’s worrying me – whether people will look down on me if I choose to forgive him. I am willing to give it a shot and see if things can ever seem normal again – I just wish so badly that this wedding wasn’t scheduled for August. I need more time, and it’s so embarrassing to call it off this late in the day…but I know that’s not a reason to go through with a wedding.
Thanks everyone for your suggestions and support.
Post # 46
I agree with PPs that you should postpone the wedding for now. A betrayal of this sort is going to take you months to work through, and you need that time to figure out whether or not you want to commit to spend the rest of your life with this man. Don’t worry about what any family members think, it is YOU who will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life so PLEASE take your time.
Having been cheated on by a man that I lived with, I can tell you that the first 2 or 3 months are so confusing, you want to believe everything he says, you want to find a way or a reason to stay with him, your emotions are all over the place. But the simple fact is that he cheated, he lied and he would have kept on lying if you hadn’t been contacted by the other woman. In my case, with time and snooping I discovered that it was not a one-time thing, he had profiles on multiple dating websites and had been cheating on me pretty much from day one. So even though you only know of the one time, that doesn’t mean there weren’t more, and the fact that he did it purposefully, over time, and was able to easily keep it from you without guilt shows that he is very capable of having done this more than once.
And I don’t buy the excuses of being freaked out about getting married, that must be in the man handbook… My cheating ex used a version of that himself. What will happen if you get pregnant soon after marriage, will he get freaked out about being a dad and go cheat on you again? Will he also consider that to be acceptable?