(Closed) Help – I just found out fiance cheated on me a year ago

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Oh most definitely cancel the wedding!

Perhaps do not cancel the engaegment. You guys can still be engaegd until you figure this thing out FOR GOOD. And that can definitely take more than 3 weeks. But tell the guests to cancel the tickets and cancel all wedding related purchases/bills, etc.

This is FAR TOO IMPORTANT for you to just ‘go through with it’. Remember, divorces are ugly and usually have a hefty cost involved if it were ever to come to that. Also, after you divorce, you are no longer a ‘single’ woman. You are then a ‘divorcee’. That may haunt you.

 

Post # 48
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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@MeganRenee:  it’s so embarrassing to call it off this late in the day


You are not the one that should be embarrassed. 

Stick to your guns.  He did this.  He cheated.  He is making the wedding take longer.  He should be embarrassed. 

You can postpone and it is not your fault.  You should not be holding so much blame and embarrassment for doing what needs to be done.

Post # 49
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

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@MeganRenee:  In your last post, you basically spelled out what you need to do: postpone.

“I am willing to give it a shot and see if things can ever seem normal again – I just wish so badly that this wedding wasn’t scheduled for August. I need more time

Postpone, and work on the relationship. Getting married under these conditions isn’t a good start.

Post # 50
Member
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I am SO sorry you are going through this… I can’t imagine the kind of betrayal you are feeling…  I was in a similar situation (although it was a toxic relationship) and it was the other way around, I was having an affair.

My ex fi blatently cheated on me one night, he denied it, but when your fiance leaves a party of girls, you go too… Well he didn’t and he ended up going home with one of the girls he had been flirting with all night.  Out of spite I started hanging out with someone else, it started as friends and a shoulder to lean on… A friend who was all mine, not a shared friend… It really helped. But quickly turned into something more.  It probably lasted two months, seeing him once every two weeks… I knew it was wrong, but I really had some strong feelings about this guy but I decided to end it and try to make my relationship with my ex work, well a couple weeks later a friend of his tells me that my ex is bragging about cheating on me not once but FOUR times with different women each time… I forced him to tell me the truth, and I told him about my infidelity (which he didn’t seem to care at ALL!), After that our relationship quickly deteriorated even though I TRIED to forgive him (it was water under the bridge for him).  I felt like I had to try to make it work because I couldn’t afford to live on my own, my family was far away… I felt like I didn’t have an ‘out”… I moved down here for him and I felt I had an obligation to fill… But it got to a point where we had one fight over going to a friend’s party and I didn’t want to go to and he went without me and didn’t come home until midnight, when his friend told me he left before 10.  That was it and I couldn’t take it anymore, I left… Even though I didn’t have money to live on my own and my family was 2000 miles away….I got the courage to leave, and you know what?  I married the guy I cheated on my ex with and have never in the three years we’ve been together had an innapropriate thought or feeling toward another person.

The point of telling you this, is if your Fiance made the decision to cheat MULTIPLE times, then odds are he cares more about the other person or his own feelings than he does about yours or your relationship… When I was cheating I knew and accepted that it could end our relationship and that was a risk I would take.  With my husband now, it hasn’t even entered my mind… I would NEVER!  If Colin has already done it, then that shows his respect for ya’lls relationship.  I’m not going to tell you to leave, that’s for you to decide… But postpone the wedding, get counselling and see if it’s something you think you guys can work through… But DO NOT feel like you HAVE to stay, you are not trapped… there are people who will help you if you want to leave… In the end it’s only money, your happiness and well being is what is most important to everyone!

Good luck, and keep us posted!

Post # 51
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I wish I had known before I married my ex. He cheated on me multiple times and I had no clue. I was with him a total of 20 years (17 and a half married). We have 3 children together so I tried to make it work until I finally gave up. A few years into our marriage I suspected things but he always told me he loved me and would never do that…he just hid it better! When I finally did catch him, he promised it would never happen again and that he felt horrible but by then I knew otherwise. I wasted years on him.

I know some married people work out their relationships when there has been cheating. However I believe that’s when it was a one time or short term thing that the unfaithful partner comes clean without having to have the truth dragged out of them. As well, there is a lot more invested in already being married. Since you aren’t, I would tell you from experience…don’t do it! There is a man out there that will love you AND be completely faithful.

Post # 52
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

Meganrenee – ((((hugs to you))))

 

It seems to me that you might have low self esteem – you are concerned about what people are going to think either way, and you are considering a marriage to man whose affair and lies were outed not by him, but by another person. If he was the one to confess, then things might be a little different. But he didnt confess outright, he lied and pretended to you that everything was fine – thats sociopath behavior. Thats behavior that is very difficult to unlearn; in fact many never do unlearn it – they accept it as “normal”.  its not.

Did you know infidelity by a person and their subsequent behavior towards the person they supposedly committed to is a type of emotional abuse? Ask yourself, Is this what I am considering? People will understand about the wedding being postponed – they will actually be happy for you. The mentally healthy ones will.

I think at this time you must do the thing that you think you. cannot do (eleanor roosevelt!) postpone the wedding, and seek counseling. Not just for the relationship, but for yourself, so that you can love yourself first, and see yourself being loved in the right way.

Post # 53
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MeganRenee:  I can see this from both sides. My main issue with his cheating is that he didn’t tell you. If he had come to you, it may have been different. However, he did come clean with you so I would give him some credit for that. I am guessing he isnt being totally truthful with you. If it had been a one time thing his excuses would make sense. But you said they met up once a week for 5 weeks.. His friends weren’t around that whole time, and he wasn’t drunk that whole time. My thing is this, I have cheated and I have been cheated on. The bottom line is I do NOT believe in the “once a cheater always a cheater” mantra. I just don’t. Everyone deserves a second chance. You just need to figure out if working on the issue is worth your time. I insisted on counseling when I had issues in my reationship. It may help to see the deep seeded issues, and can help you both to better understand and accept what has happened. But youu need to make the decision for yourself. Unfortunatley everyone believes that once someone cheats they will do that again. I don’t believe that is true. You just have to figure out if you can trust that in your situation.. Good luck hun!

Post # 54
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would not marry this man. I would start looking into options for going home. I would also immediately tell my Out of Town gets to cancel their flights/hotels, and I’d try to get my refunds back now.

This is something that will continue to eat away at you. I really don’t think you will ever be able to ‘shake’ this. I know personally, I would not be able to marry someone that did this to me.

Especially 2 weeks after your engagement?!! He still should have been in the Engagement Bliss not thinking of going out with another woman. He also continued to go back to her. I mean, I am typically a forgiving person, but I could never forgive this.

 

**HUGS**

Post # 55
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Please do not marry this man. You deserve to be with someone who would never do this to you. And I personally think that the whole “Oh, I was scared of marriage” thing is a crock. So, what happens when you DO get married? Whenever he gets scared he just going to go out and find another chick to bone? Not cool.

I can not stress this enough: YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!

Post # 56
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Cheating is so hurtful and so hard on your emotions. What bothers me most is that your fiance carried on for 5 weeks, lying to both you and the other woman. 

I once dated a guy who I thought I was going to marry. Once day I found out that he was seeing one of his exes behind my back and lying to her about our relationship. He even told her that I gave him permission to explore other options. He was so sorry for what he did. His mom sat me down and tried to convince me to take back her son. It was a hard time because I loved him so much and really saw him in my life forever. Because I loved him so much, I believed him when he said he was sorry and that he knew for sure I was the one. I loved him so much that I took him back. I was embarassed at first and worried about what others would say. But I was stubborn and just told everyone that it’s him and I who are in this relationship and we’re the only ones who fully know how much we love each other. Well.. surprise surprise….. he cheated on me again……. and it really broke me… literally…. And I would never wish tht pain upon anyone else. I had extreme trust issues after that and was not able to trust any guy until I met my fiance. I can say with 100% confidence that I would be totally okay throwing my fiance in a room full of bikini clad girls and know he would never ever do anything. 🙂

So, I’m sorry you’re going through this right now and so close to your wedding. But, you shouldn’t let that or your family and friends influence what you decide to do. I personally think you deserve someone who you can trust 100% and who will only love you. 

Post # 57
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

MeganRenee I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Please don’t feel pressured by the fact that your wedding is this summer, take your time and don’t do anything until you are truly happy with how you intend to proceed. Whatever you decide to do, I want to echo what Sasha2011 above has said by putting an Irish spin on it. As far as I know, divorce in Ireland takes a long time. You cannot begin divorce proceedings until you can show that you have separated and lived apart for four of the previous five years. IF things didn’t work out with your marriage, that is a long time to tied to someone while you wait for a divorce. I’m sorry to put a damper on things and to be talking about divorce while you’re still trying to get your head together but it is worth thinking about. This must be very hard for you while you’re so far away from home. I hope you have some good friends in Dublin who are looking after you. Hugs.

 

Post # 58
Member
1866 posts
Buzzing bee

OP, I’m so so sorry that you’re going through this.  I hate reading stories like this on the bee – it just breaks my heart for the people who are hurt.  It’s so hard for other people to tell you what you SHOULD do, b/c it’s your life and we don’t know you.  But here’s my opinion….

If I were in your situation, I would not marry this man.  I understand that you guys have been together for so long and you’re in so deep and invested, but that is not enough reason to marry someone.  He violated your trust multiple times, and to make it even worse he lied about it.  He broke your trust.  I don’t care what his reasons were – he was afraid you would leave him, he was afraid of marriage – BULLSH*T.  That is not an excuse!!  I don’t doubt that you guys have had many wonderful memories together.  But marriage is such a serious, forever thing and sadly he doesn’t seem like the type of guy that I would want to marry.  How can you trust him?  It makes me sick to think about the fact that he went to this girl multiple times and never told you, ugh.

I know it’s soooo hard to look past this man b/c you have been with him for so long.  But I promise you, you do not deserve to be treated the way that he treated you.  

Please keep us posted on what you decide to do. 

Post # 59
Member
9967 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@MeganRenee:  It’s good that your families know about this situation and are supporting you – that is amazing and wonderful.  Both you and Colin need support right now.  And if you have the solidity of your families to help you through, there is a possibility it could work.

It isn’t going to be easy for you, ever, from now on, to trust him.  But if you make the choice to marry him, then also please make the choice, for your own sake and his, to trust him.  Once more. 

I can feel the love you have for him from here.  Follow your heart, my dear.  But use your head as well.

Wishing you all the love and blessings in the world.

Post # 60
Member
5155 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

It bothers me when people say things like “do you love him enough to make it work” or “is the relationship worth it”. It implies that those who have boundaries about cheating somehow also do not love deeply, or saw the relationship as a throwaway. It has nothing to do with how much you love them, or whether the relationship as you had known it to be before the cheating was worth it, it has to do with your own personal boundaries, expectations in a partner and relationship, and whether you are also loving yourself. No one should ever feel they need to settle for someone who cheats.

I also tend to see it the other way, why did the cheating partner not love enough not to cheat? Or not see the relationship worth their fidelity, honesty and commitment? Why does it end up being turned on the one who was cheated upon to “show” their love by staying? Why is it seen as strong to stay? Everyone needs to do what is right for them, but I just despise the idea that someone who leaves somehow must not have thought the relationship or the love was “worth it” or “enough”. The very fact that there was cheating changes everything in my book, not only about the man you thought you loved, but also about the relationship you thought you had.

There are men out there who not only are wonderful, and whom you could have an honest, open, healthy, trusting, happy deeply connected and loving relationship,  but they are authentic and true and would not cheat. Now THAT is a relationship that is “worth” holding out for, in my opinion, and a love worth working to find.

To me cheating is a character thing. It means the relationship is NOT what I thought it was, and nor is the person I loved.  You can’t decide to stay together on the basis of what the relationship WAS or what you thought he WAS, it must be done on the basis of the new information available. That being that you have been with a man who cheated and lied, and in a relationship where this happened over a year ago without you knowing until now. He violated your trust, broke a commitment he had made only two weeks before to marry you and be with you forever, lied and lied and lied and denied and denied. What else is there, really? I find usually what comes out at first in these situations is only the SURFACE of what is really going on.

At the very least you should be postponing the wedding while you two get into counseling, both together and individually. The wedding should not be happening simply as money has been paid and plane tickets booked. Nor should it be happening under a cloud of insecurity, doubt, fear, pain.

I don’t know how people who care about you would be encouraging you to ahead with a wedding in four months after all of this. Like I said, the number one priority you should have right now is YOU and healing YOU. Not weddings, not Colin, not other people’s desires to go to a wedding. YOU YOU YOU.

You deserve SO SO SO much better.

 

 

 

Post # 61
Member
1268 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It really comes down to “do you trust him now or don’t you”. Life will be miserable if you dont trust him.  If you do trust him – let it go and move forward from this day on, Just my .02

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