It bothers me when people say things like “do you love him enough to make it work” or “is the relationship worth it”. It implies that those who have boundaries about cheating somehow also do not love deeply, or saw the relationship as a throwaway. It has nothing to do with how much you love them, or whether the relationship as you had known it to be before the cheating was worth it, it has to do with your own personal boundaries, expectations in a partner and relationship, and whether you are also loving yourself. No one should ever feel they need to settle for someone who cheats.
I also tend to see it the other way, why did the cheating partner not love enough not to cheat? Or not see the relationship worth their fidelity, honesty and commitment? Why does it end up being turned on the one who was cheated upon to “show” their love by staying? Why is it seen as strong to stay? Everyone needs to do what is right for them, but I just despise the idea that someone who leaves somehow must not have thought the relationship or the love was “worth it” or “enough”. The very fact that there was cheating changes everything in my book, not only about the man you thought you loved, but also about the relationship you thought you had.
There are men out there who not only are wonderful, and whom you could have an honest, open, healthy, trusting, happy deeply connected and loving relationship, but they are authentic and true and would not cheat. Now THAT is a relationship that is “worth” holding out for, in my opinion, and a love worth working to find.
To me cheating is a character thing. It means the relationship is NOT what I thought it was, and nor is the person I loved. You can’t decide to stay together on the basis of what the relationship WAS or what you thought he WAS, it must be done on the basis of the new information available. That being that you have been with a man who cheated and lied, and in a relationship where this happened over a year ago without you knowing until now. He violated your trust, broke a commitment he had made only two weeks before to marry you and be with you forever, lied and lied and lied and denied and denied. What else is there, really? I find usually what comes out at first in these situations is only the SURFACE of what is really going on.
At the very least you should be postponing the wedding while you two get into counseling, both together and individually. The wedding should not be happening simply as money has been paid and plane tickets booked. Nor should it be happening under a cloud of insecurity, doubt, fear, pain.
I don’t know how people who care about you would be encouraging you to ahead with a wedding in four months after all of this. Like I said, the number one priority you should have right now is YOU and healing YOU. Not weddings, not Colin, not other people’s desires to go to a wedding. YOU YOU YOU.
You deserve SO SO SO much better.