(Closed) Help – I just found out fiance cheated on me a year ago

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

So sorry to hear your pain through this… but I am a big believer in the old saying…

“Actions speak louder than words”…

playing devil’s advocate here for a moment – Yes his actions of the past would have been speaking volumes!! and that he lied to you and continued that lie… But I think I would look at ALL of his actions past AND present about this situation and think about what his actions towards you now tell you today??

For me I would look at the fact that ifsomeone was lying to me (and indeed he was still lying to you as he never confessed this act to you himself) then do they REALLY love you as they say they do??  I’m more of an ‘old fashioned’ sort and still belive that if someone is Truly IN love with you they will never stray no matter what the situation is because the Respect that they feel for you would never allow it…

I wish you so much love and prayers to help you to figure all of this out.. make the decision that YOU feel is right for you – as YOU are the only person that wioll have to live with it πŸ™‚  xxxx

Post # 63
Member
9967 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@MeganRenee:  Other people looking down on you for whatever you decide should be the least of your concerns.  It isn’t their life, it is yours.  Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks.  Worry about what YOU think.

Post # 64
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

RayKay  thank you for posting that to Meganrenee – it was well thought out and articulate! 


Meganrenee, this relationship is not a failure on your part – this has to do with a character flaw on his part. Infidelity, at any level in a relationship, means there is a huge flaw with that person in the  relationship – they are  not what they appear to be – its false. If someone tells you that you are throwing the relationship away, you can ask them – do you mean the false one? You were lied to for a very long time. What else has he not told you?

You can choose to forgive him, but that will not change things. People can forgive their rapists, their abusive mothers, their ____ etc. but it does not mean they need to continue spending time with the abuse. He may say he wants to work on the relationship, but what relationship? Up to this point it has been false – hes been lying. So what relationship is there – good feelings on your part, and lying on his?

 

 

Post # 65
Member
1284 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

That’s a tough one… the rational me says that you should try to step back and give it some time. Take everything as an individual decision… not one big deicision. Do you still want to be with him? Yes or no. Do you think you can learn to trust him again? Yes or no. And so on… if at any point you say “no” then you have your answer. These things are essential for marriage. Start with the pieces and work toward to whole.

As a side note… try not to let wedding planning and other people’s travel plans get in the way. Yes, it would be very unfortunate for anyone to loose out on money (maybe they will still come and just have a vacation in Ireland.. you never know) but the important thing for you is to either enter into a happy marriage or not. Your family and friends will understand.

Thinking of you and sending hugs your way. You will get through this… oh.. and definitely finish school :).

Post # 66
Member
3622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It wasn’t a one-time mistake. It was a conscious decision to betray you multiple times. I could possibly see forgiving a one-time instance IF I’ve been married for a few years with children. You are young and even though the wedding is coming up, you’re not married. It will suck to break up with him, but at least you can get it over with before you’re even more invested!

Post # 67
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I am so, so sorry you’re feeling this way, and having to deal with this πŸ™

I certainly can’t tell you what to do…I don’t even know 100% what I would do if I were in your position.  But from reading your post, it kind of sounds like you may know already what you need to do.  Just an outside perspective, but you mentioned at least once in your post that if you had seen the message a year ago when the girl sent it, you probably would have left.  I think you need to consider what is right for you for the rest of your life, outside of the constraints of the wedding that is supposed to be taking place in 4 months.  If you didn’t have a wedding coming up in the next few months, would you still stay with your fiance? 

It has to suck to have to worry about your wedding guests and their travel arrangements and everything…but I really think you need to think about YOU first and foremost.  A marriage is forever, and you shouldn’t go through with it just because you don’t want to disappoint people, and because it’s so soon (although I completely undertand why you would feel that way).  And I wouldn’t want you to have to go through the pain of a divorce, on top of the pain that he’s already caused you.

Maybe if it had been a one time thing with this other girl…maybe if he had come clean and told you about it when it happened…maybe if he hadn’t lied about it when you confronted him about it. But there are just too many maybes, and too many deceitful, hurtful actions and betrayls for me to overlook the situation.  Everyone is different, and everyone has a different tolerance level for situations like this…you just need to decide what yours is.  I can only speak from my personal experience – I’ve never been engaged before now, but I have had a long-term boyfriend cheat on me in the past.  And I know that once I found out, I was never able to look at him the same way again…I was never able to rebuild that trust that he had taken for granted.  Maybe some people are able to do that, and that’s great if they can…but I wasn’t.

The other thing that troubles me is that he was just able to go on with his life over the past year, and not be riddled with guild about what he had done.  If it had been me who cheated (which I would NEVER do…I know how it feels to be on the other side of it and be blindsided by it), I would have been so riddled with guilt, that I wouldn’t have been able to go on without confessing what I had done.  It concerns me greatly that you didn’t mention him acting differently at all.

Hugs to you, and please let us know what you decide to do…we’re all here for you!

Post # 68
Member
2413 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would leave him. Period.

Here are my reasons:

1) I can get over a “slip up.” For example, if Fiance went out, got drunk and slept with some random chick, I could get over it and move on (pending counseling and STD testing.) BUT, this isn’t just a “slip up,” he consciously and actually pursued a relationship with this woman for a duration of time.

2) He didn’t tell you. I have full trust in Fiance that not only will he NOT cheat on me, but if he did, he would tell me directly. I trust that. If you Fiance cheated and then told you that would be one thing – and you could maintain some semblance of trust in him for being honest about it, but he never told you!

For those reasons, I would have to end it. I wouldn’t be able to trust him and what he did was a different level. A slip up is one thing, a relationship/extended thing is another.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

Post # 69
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t really have anything more to add than what others have already said, I just wanted to send hugs your way.  This is a LOT to deal with, especially being so close to your wedding date.  If you want to make things work, I’d strongly consider at least postponing the wedding.  I don’t think anyone could fault you for needing more time to clear your mind and process what you just found out.  I know that LDR’s are very difficult.  But that doesn’t give him an excuse. Once you lose trust in someone, it is so hard to get that back.  You certainly shouldn’t feel pressured by time constraints to make a major lifetime decision.  After all, he had MONTHS to come clean to you on his own, but he didn’t.  At least allow yourself some time to heal.

Post # 70
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I’m sorry, OP πŸ™ What a horrible situation, and especially with you being so far from home πŸ™

There were a couple things that stuck out to me in your post– first, the mention of how much money other people have spent on plane tickets. Please, don’t make your decision or feel guilty based on this. You’re only in this predicament because of their son’s actions and I’m sure they understand/empathize with your heartbreak.

Second: “He says the incident made him realize that he IS ready to marry me, and he insists that he wants to go through with the wedding.” To me, a slip up is one night or one kiss, but 5 weeks of continuing a relationship with this girl? And how did it make him realize that he’s ready to get married? I guess I just don’t understand…

Please take time for yourself to understand your feelings rather than feeling pressured to keep your wedding date in August. It’s a lot easier to figure it out now than after you’re married. I’m so sorry πŸ™

Post # 71
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Personally, I wouldnt marry him, I would finish out school and then call the wedding off – but I would make SURE that everyone knows WHY.

I know it’s easier said than done. Once a cheater…pretty much always a cheater. I’m sorry you are going through this.

Post # 72
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MeganRenee:  I’m sorry you’re going through this but no one here can tell you if you should go through with this marriage–Long distance can be very hard on both parties–not to make excuses–but I can’t really leap to the conclusion that he is just a serial cheater-at this point you need some serious relationship counseling to determine if this is a slip up or if this is going to be a pattern.

Post # 73
Member
7605 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I would NOT marry this man.  It’s just money.  It’s just a cat.  Get out now while you can and find yourself a man who respects you.

It’s not like it just happened once, so it wasn’t a one time mistake.  I’m sorry this happened to you and it will SUCK for a little while, but it will get so much better (I promise) and you will be far happier in the long run.

Post # 74
Member
7775 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. What a tough situation.

As someone who has been cheated on and stayed, I don’t think you should automatically leave. I think you need to take some time for yourself and decide if you can live with what happened. You need to decide if you can learn to trust him again. If not, then leave.

My DH carried on with a girl he worked with several years ago. It went on for months (we were just dating at the time) and I found out from someone else they worked with while it was still going on. He came clean about some things after I confronted him but continued to lie and carry on behind my back. We kept it together for about a month before I broke it off totally and told him not to contact me again. I got a phone call at 5am about a week later. He was crying and told me that he never expected me to answer, he just wanted to hear my voice on my answering message. We met up a couple days later and decided to start out as friends and just go slow. We eventually started dating again and got engaged. Now, we’re married and have a 3-week old daughter.

I’m not going to lie to you, forgiving him was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Did people judge me for taking him back? Probably… but it’s my life and my relationship and it’s none of their affair. You need to decide what’s best for you. In the meantime… I’d recommend postponing the wedding. You’re not going to be ready to marry him in 3 months. It took me a couple years to fully forgive him and trust him again after it all went down.

Post # 75
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

Wow!  I’m very sorry, I know you are devastated.  Take your time in deciding, this is a LIFE decision you are making, and like another Bee posted, you have been exposed to a different side of him now.  It is only right and fair to yourself to think about the ENTIRE package before making a decision.  Even if it means postponing the wedding for a few months or cancelling it altogether.  This is a HUGE pill to swallow and despite the money that has been spent (which he didn’t think about when he decided to cheat on your repetitively), I think at this point you have to think about what’s best for you and your life. 

Sending Internet Hugs to you, I can only imagine what you are going through.

 

Post # 76
Member
1561 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with PPs that suggest to postpone the wedding.  I don’t think that you will possibly be ready to marry him in August.  Take the time — all the time you need — to really figure out if you can move forward with him.

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