Post # 77
Think about hos you would feel if this girl never told you and you lived your entire married life without knowing. Kinda scary to think of it that way. Realize that he wasn’t planning on ever even telling you about it. You’re in a really tough situation and I sure send my hugs your way! You need to make the best decision for YOU not him or his family or your family. Personally I couldn’t marry a man that cheated
Post # 78
If I was a friend of yours, I would not judge you for staying, but I would be very concerned for you. Because you deserve more.
This guy proposed to you and then chose to cheat on you not once, but multiple times. During a time when couples usually feel closer and more in love than before, he made a decision to betray you by doing something he knew would hurt you this much if you found out about it and KEPT ON DOING IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN! He knew you would potentially end the relationship if you found out and he still did it. He made the choice. If this happened to your best friend, wouldn’t you want better for her?
You seem like quite a wise girl, but you are too deep in to accept the truth. I think you know deep down that you shouldn’t be marrying someone who would choose to do this to you and then actively hide it from you. Yet you are making excuses for him. Just stop and think. Please. It’s time for girls to stop accepting this. Everyone makes mistakes, yes. But 5 times is not a mistake.
Post # 79
A few things.
1) “but I love him so much” at this point you just had a real change in who he is. It sounds like you love who you thought he was. You now have to decide if you love this new reality of who he really is. Someone who cheated on you multiple times, and lied, even when caught.
2) Do you want to marry someone because of family pressure or money OR because you love/accept everything about this person, and because you are sure you want to be with him exactly as he is forever? Whatever money you spent already will be less then the cost of a divorce, and it will be infinitely more complicated if there are children and assets involved.
Postpone the wedding, and figure out if you still feel the same now that this new dose of reality is out.
I’m most worried about the lying even when caught. He still lied to your face. How do you know he is telling the truth about everything else?
Post # 80
This is a really tough situation, and unfortunately I don’t think anyone can make this decision for you. What I can do for you, however, is tell you about my own choices. Perhaps it will give you some perspective on your own situation.
I’ve actually been engaged once before. Looking back, he actually treated me pretty badly for a lot of the relationship but at the time I was smitten and overlooked far too much. He also cheated on me – I discovered the “love letters” she sent him describing their bedroom relations in great detail. He initially denied it all, despite the letters and despite an ongoing saga of this other girl making her feelings about him very clear. He event started refusing to be seen in public with me and went crazy if I came visiting unannounced, so I assume that he was still being unfaithful. He eventually admitted it, but I was never able to forgive him and the relationship ended.
It tooks me a long time to trust people again, but I’m pleased to say that I’ve found someone new that I trust completely. What would I do if it happened again? I honestly don’t know. I imagine that, if my current Fiance cheated, that it really would be a silly mistake (unlike the cold serial-cheating that my previous Fiance did), but I’m only guessing. Ultimately, I’m more likely to give my current Fiance another chance…although it would be hard.
I think I would try to put his actions within the wider context of how he treats me in general. My first Fiance really did treat me pretty badly, and that’s not what I wanted for the rest of my life. My current Fiance, however, has been amazing support through many difficult times and that makes a huge difference.
Good luck, and don’t worry too much about inconveniencing other people. At the end of the day, you’ve got to do what’s right for you. After all, it’s the rest of your life we’re talking about.
Post # 81
@CEtoSAHM: Second: “He says the incident made him realize that he IS ready to marry me, and he insists that he wants to go through with the wedding.” To me, a slip up is one night or one kiss, but 5 weeks of continuing a relationship with this girl? And how did it make him realize that he’s ready to get married? I guess I just don’t understand….
Exactly. Did he “realize” that he WAS ready to marry you only after he slept with this gal because you are better in bed than she was? Like what caused this revelation after 5 dates & an overnight? I can’t think of anything that doesn’t make me want to barf.
I know it is difficult for OP to have any sympathy for the other woman, but assuming she was not aware he was involved with you at the time, your Fiance not only lied to you, he lied to her. He pretended that he was interested in a relationship with this woman while he was engaged to you. He went on 5 dates with her, told her who knows what about his feelings for her, but it was all done just to get in her pants. And then as soon as she slept with him he dumped her without so much as an explanation – not even a false one. That behavior speaks as much to his character as the fact that he cheated on his fiancee. When I was cheated on it actually helped me a lot to speak with the other women, hearing their side I realized what a total creep my ex was.
Post # 82
WOW! Awesome, solid advice. So well said. Huge thumbs up!
Post # 83
I think he proposed and then realized he wasn’t goin to be able to be with another woman when he gets married and she is with him full time. So get it in while he can.
Who knows who else there was…honestly. This is the one she found out about. If he did it when he is supposed tobe the HAPPIEST in his entire life, what about during the hard times? What guy who just proposes is thinking about being with another girl? It just doesn’t add up. I actually went for a walk today with my Fiance and started talking about this with him because I am confused on the behaviour. Even he said “Nope, that is his character and during such a romantic, wonderful time he does that…then it is not his first time”.
Post # 84
I wouldn’t necessarily agree with the proposal being “the happiest time in our lives”. Deciding we were going to get married was complicated because we knew one of us would have to make a huge sacrifice and leave our home country forever. I knew D was having a really hard time dealing with that. He told me he wanted to wait longer, and I sort of pushed him into it. I don’t take the blame, but I hate the idea of people thinking “This is the most romantic time of your lives and he blew it!” It’s much more complicated than that. There are a lot of layers involved that I don’t think people can understand who aren’t in an international relationship.
I don’t know if this relationship is going to work or not, but I realize now that posting on here is only making things worse for myself. Thanks for trying to help though.
Post # 85
This is really hard. I would never want to be in that position. You know the facts the best. You should do what you think is best. I would talk with a counsellor over it. Personally, I know I would never cheat on Fiance regardless of the situation. We have been apart for a few months at a time. I could never forgive my Fiance if he cheated on me. But I would be completely lost. I really don’t know what to tell you.
Post # 86
I mean this gently, since I know you’re hurting, but a proposal should be the happiest time of your life. Yes, sometimes they go weird or a surprise is ruined but getting to spend the rest of your life with someone who you wholeheartedly adore is the best thing that can happen!
Yes, relationships aren’t all puppies and rainbows, but I think a relationship needs some assessment if it is too much work.
Obviously, I don’t know all the details and you are in the best place to judge, but whatever you decide, I think counseling would be a good opportunity to help sort out your feelings over the whole thing. I’m not sure if schools in Ireland have free counseling like in the States, but I think it’s worth looking!
Post # 88
I’m so sorry this happin to you…OmyGoodness you poor thing. I would deff not marry that maN IF I were you. You know you deserve better!
Post # 89
Lots of hugs going your way during this difficult time. I’m just going to echo what other people have said. Having a catering bill to pay and having a cat together should not be the reason you go through with this marriage. You should go through with it because you love him, trust him, and want to spend the rest of your life with him. I know people have made plans and spent money already, but the people who really care about you will be happy that you have made the right decision–whether that ends up cancelling the wedding all together, postponing it, or going through with it. Personally I think postponing sounds like your best option. My fiance and I had some issues with his ex girlfriend awhile back, and right after I found out what was going on I was so angry. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with it, and he didn’t even cheat, at least not physically. Take time to work this one out, because I’m thinking that a sunk 3k for a caterer is better than sunk 3k for caterer + divorce if he is unable to regain your trust.
Post # 90
First, I am so sorry that you are going through something like this right now. I can tell you I did long distance for two years as well- from cali to chicago then north carolina (school) to chicago. Although we weren’t countries apart, due to my fiances work schedule we prob talked 5-10 min a night….MAYBE 15 min if I got lucky. Sometimes during the phone conversations, my fiance would fall asleep! its hard to get mad when someone you love is literally working to death. but somehow we made it and i had the exact same talk with my fiance about an engagement before the move to chicago.
I had a chance to further my education/career but decided to put it on the back burner to move to chicago. Due to my fiance’s career (orthopaedic surgery resident) we didn’t have a choice of him moving to me, etc.
That being said, I think its better you find out now then later. There a reason why you found out now. I don’t know if you like Oprah, but here is a quote of hers that I found helpful in many situations….
We Are More Than We Appear to Be
“I say the universe speaks to us, always, first in whispers. And a whisper in your life usually feels like ‘hmm, that’s odd.’ Or, ‘hmm, that doesn’t make any sense.’ Or, ‘hmm, is that right?’ It’s that subtle. And if you don’t pay attention to the whisper, it gets louder and louder and louder. I say it’s like getting thumped upside the head. If you don’t pay attention to that, it’s like getting a brick upside your head. You don’t pay attention to that—the brick wall falls down. That is the pattern that I see in my life and so many other people’s lives. And so, I ask people, ‘What are the whispers? What’s whispering to you now?'” — Oprah
Post # 91
I wouldn’t marry him if I were you. That is a BIG warning sign!! Trust me, once a cheater on you, almost always a cheater. I’m very sorry to hear your story of this unfair experience. I hope you make the right decision. Do you really deserve to be cheated on? You moved all the way there for him… If you were walking down the isle thinking about how he cheated on you… that’s not a good way to start a marriage. If anything, maybe give eachother space for a while to figure things out.
From my experience, I didn’t leave my bf at the time when I caught him texting another girl from a different state. I wish I did leave him for the LONGEST time!!!! To this day, I regret not going on a plane back home and leaving him at least for a couple of months, for how he made me feel. It wasn’t fair and he deserved to be left. For the longest time, I felt like the only way to get him back was to do the same to him. This wasn’t a healthy emotion to have towards another nor was it a healthy relationship for a long time, but weird things go through your mind. I could never bring myself to do that to him, even though he did it so easily to me. In time that feeling passed, thankfully.