(Closed) Help – I just found out fiance cheated on me a year ago

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 92
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Do you know for a fact it was JUST HER?  NO!  he will never admit to something else now…he knows you are leaving him,

I would suggest that you suggest a trial separation….go home…feel good about yourself…that irish charm is always convincing, that’s what they do…they are gypsies of a sort ( my family is irish)….

story:  my ex asked me to marry him…in the same breath he asked for a “last one night stand”….yeah, he’s an ex for a reason….

my Fiance now is committed (we’ve been together 9 years and own a house)…..you don’t need to get married early…your life mate could be waiting later….someone who WON’T cheat on you when you’re way (the cat’s away the mouse will play)……

you can be yourself and your partner should be able to be themselves while WITH you

Post # 93
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I am so sorry you are going through this!

I have been in a similar situation – I do not want to elaborate too much but my Boyfriend or Best Friend of 9,5 years confessed he had been cheating for the last half year and then left me. Just like that, he packed all his stuff from our apartement (we lived 1,5 years together by that time) in two hours and left. I was devastated. Then I burned all bridges – deleted all numbers of his friends, never contacted him, never contacted any of our friends and I was living day from day to make my life bearable. And I started feeling better, slowly but surely. And then he texted me he wants to get back together. At first I did not respond but in the end I agreed to meet him and talk to him. After some time I agreed to try again. I am now engaged to him and we are planning to get married in December. (This is a very very short version, if you want to know details, want to talk about it, just PM me – I would be glad to talk :))

So I am not saying you should leave him. But I am saying that figuring out if you want to be with him or not will take some time AND it will probably be the hardest thing you have ever done so far… Trust me – to come to terms with it, to accept it and to be able to live without resentment because of it is not easy. And sure as hell won’t be possible for every single situation – yours is unique as any other is and you have to evaluate it from your own perspective.

My advice is: cancel the wedding but not necessarily the engagement/relationship. To go through with the wedding so soon would be unwise but I would not write off a person for one mistake (yes, I think it was one mistake – he did it and all the rest just snowballed onto it, but it is still connected to one thing – if he did it again, that would be another thing). Give yourself some time to find out if you could live with him without constant resentment, paying back, accusations, suspicions and reminding… I wish you wisdom and strength so you can decide what will be best for you <3

Once again – if you want to talk, PM me – (((hugs)))

Post # 94
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@MeganRenee:  My fiance is French and I’m American, and while he is such a great guy we’ve had our ups and downs – I can’t imagine throwing the cheating into mix. I am so sorry.

For me, marriage meant there is a deeper reason for me leaving my family, friends, culture, career, and language behind. I’ll be doing this for my husband, not a boyfriend. I’ll have a real family who I can rely on. The thing is though, being engaged or married doesn’t change anything, we are still the same people…so your Fiance can’t offer you a meaningful family relationship now, are you sure he can after the marriage? 

I also get extremely annoyed with SO’s of the expat in the relationship who don’t see and respect what the other person is giving up. He is an adult. He didn’t have to propose, and if it wasn’t the right thing and he did it anyways that is on him. He didn’t have to go back 5 times to that other girl. You did nothing wrong, and in my opinion what he did to you is worse than if you were living in your own country, where you would have your own friends and family for support. He knowingly uprooted your life after cheating, I don’t think I could ever heal from that kind of breach of trust.

…but I’m not you, and that is a decision you will have to make. I beg that you will at least postpone the wedding and get into a space where you can think straight. I’d try to go home for a bit yourself if you can. Also, so what if people have bought thier airline tickets, and you will lose money on the wedding. THIS IS YOUR LIFE, you only get one so don’t let the details get in the way. He was the one who cheated, and no one can blame you for wanting to think through this very important decision. 

I wish you luck. I know it can be scary and there are a lot more factors invovled than for most people who have undergone cheating. But I believe that if you don’t think he deserves you, you need to listen to your gut despite everything. Give yourself some space to think this through. 

*Hugs*

Post # 95
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

First let me just say that you are a very strong. I feel that you are being very level headed when you want to just fall apart.

I wont urge you to leave him because like you said, you are in so deep. The advice that i can give is for you to think about what you want in life, do u want to be with this man? Is he worth forgiving? Dont be ashamed to say YES because if he is worth trying to make this work then I think you should give it another shot. Only you know your relationship, and no internet board can help you decide for you.

If you forgive him: I want you to know that this will not leave your mind so easily, and there will be times that you hate him because you are still hurt, but if you decide to stay and forgive him then you have to know that you will need to give urself time to heal. Both of you will have to work on this, you will have to learn to accept what happened and understand that it is in the past, and he will have to earn your trust back.

i went through a almost similar situation and i decided to for give him and take him back. Do i regert it? Not even a little bit. You just have to figure out if the goos outweights the bad. If it is meant to be it will

Post # 96
Member
890 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’ve been through a relationship where I didn’t know that he was cheating. When I found out I left him RIGHT away(I do understand it’s harder for you because of the wedding) It was the hardest thing I ever had to go through, but I do have to tell you once I did get out of the relationship I was so happy, I know you may not think that now.  I had too much respect for myself to stay with a cheater. I am so sorry you are going through this. But I don’t think he is the right person for you if he is going to cheat on you. I really believe that there is someone out there for you, who is going to love you sooo much and never ever in a million years even think about cheating on you. I wish you happiness and please keep us updated with what you decide to do, and we are here for you if you need to talk or vent. Smile

Post # 97
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You have to ask yourself, is this a dealbreaker? Can you ever trust him again when he did it repeatedly, after proposing to you no less, and then lied about it?  Can you look at him every day for the rest of your life knowing?

 

Personally I couldn’t marry him.  It’s a huge dealbreaker for me especially in these circumstances.  I don’t think I could ever trust him again and to me, marrying him anyway would almost be like telling him what he did was acceptable.  I wouldn’t but it’s up to you, at the very least call off the wedding for now.

Post # 98
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

People do make mistakes. There is no excuse for why it happened but at least he realized he was in the wrong and he ended it on his own, if he was really scummy he could have easily carried the relationship on for awhile.

If you really love him and think you have something super special (i am assuming you feel this way since you were about to marry him) i would fight for it, i would go to a counsler and see if you can work towards rebuilding your trust. I agree with others that canceling the wedding is probably the best option, you want to be sure when you make those vows.

Post # 99
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

The most disturbing aspect of this is that he had just two weeks prior asked you to marry him. Even if you think you “pressured” him into doing something like that, the fact that he reacted so poorly after the engagement means he’s not ready to have a caring, loving relationship with another person without messing it up. He’s going to need counseling for something like that.

But personally, I wouldn’t stick around to help him pick up those kinds of pieces. 

I think PP RayKay said it best. Cheating is part of his character.

Post # 101
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I have only read the first page.   I would postpone the wedding for an extra 6 months or longer.  Your families will understand and would probably prefer you to wait than to see your marriage fail.

Marriage is huge.  I would never marry someone because everyone expected me to.  To be married will make things even harder to sort out, it won’t make the better.

I would make him do couples therapy to talk it out.  If he is unwilling, I would cut the ties.

I’m so sorry.  No matter what the excuse, it’s not  okay that he did that to you.   It’s worse that he covered it up and didn’t fess up.

Post # 102
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Similar thing happened to me we were together almost 3 yrs.

I could not believe it!

The biggest issue I have with a situation like this is how easy and comfortable they are with purposely deceiving you and for so long. In my situation my SO was lying to me from day one i just didnt find out until almost 3 years later. It wasn’t infidelity but it did include secrets regarding a previous marriage and keeping me in the dark about a lot of information. 

Once I found out what I did I just always wondered what else don’t I know? What else has he withheld or will withhold in future. I’m all for full disclosure. Tell me and I’ll decide what I’ll do. Don’t lie to decide for me!  I promptly left him when I realized I would never ever again be able to trust a word he said.

It is normal to feel hurt angry betrayed. But focus on taking care of yourself don’t worry about family friends wedding etc. 

You only get one life to live, take care of you!

If I were you I would delay the wedding which essentially will be temporary or permanent that will be up to you. You will heal and you can forgive him, if that’s what you want but it will take a lot of time and work from both of you and working with a counsellor to help you deal. The counsellor will help you sort through your feelings so that you can decide what’s best for you if you can stay and deal or if that information has in fact destroyed your relationship.

You received a lot of good information here from the bees, but it’s your life you have to decide what to throw away and what to keep….

Post # 103
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MeganRenee:  I’m in an international relationship only my “across the pond” is the pacific ocean…and I can honestly say neither of us ever entertained the thought of cheating on the other even though we have been apart for more than half a year.  It isn’t normal to cheat.  Yes its hard, but that is no excuse because if he truly loves you and wants to be with only you for his whole life he would wait and not be so disrespectful to cheat and then lie about it 🙁

Post # 104
Member
583 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@MeganRenee:  All i can think is i would not marry him but i can’t imagine being in a completely different country without my family or anyone i knew. Bottom line to me is this wasn’t a i was drunk no idea what i was doing thing it was repeated for over a month! im sorry you are going thru this but you need to think about YOU and YOUR life not everyone else’s they will understand the loss of money if thats what you choose to do. I just can’t imagine marrying someone who did that to me.

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