Post # 1
On everything! From my dress, to the venue, to the people. I have been stressed out since I have gotten engaged! I love my fiance but my mind just wonders off into, what ifs? Like what if we break up? Would I be happier? Not to say I am not happy, I just feel like I could be happier. I don’t know if this is caused by the stress or what. I just want to accomplish and explore so many things before marriage. My fiance isn’t like me, we are polar opposites. I want to see the world, he wants a family. I can see having one but not right after we get married. I want to explore the world with him and be happy. But I just don’t know if it is possible with him. I feel like I am WAY in deep, 6 years of growing up together and getting through all of our ups and downs. I just feel so selfish for even thinking about this. I want marriage. I want him, I just wish it was different. I do tell him and voice my conerns. But he seems to just let it go and tell me everything will be okay. Well, I don’t feel okay. I feel crazy, these thoughts wont stop. I literally just want to run away…I am at a loss. I don’t want to feel like I settled for the rest of my life. I don’t want to break his heart and everything that we have build. I just do not know what next steps to take. Please fire away with any advice, good or bad. Thanks much.
Post # 2
I want to explore the world with him and be happy. But I just don’t know if it is possible with him.
I just wish it was different.
You feel like you are settling, which every couple does in their own way (accepting the other person will never be perfect, and loving who they are now). You want to have the security and comfort of your long relationship but also have massive FOMO, what if you are missing out on all the paths not taken? I get it, I thought about it too. I’m so opposites with my hubs, I’m the optimizer, he’s the satisfier.
I realized early on I would ALWAYS have FOMO no matter what. So what would make you sadder/more regrets – losing the predictible but loving future with your SO or not taking risks? You gotta make your peace somehow and know that you can’t always have both. You realize your SO is not adventurous. Would you be ok with taking solo or friend trips without him if he doesn’t want to go – do you want to go one step further and move to different countries? This is fundamental lifestyle differences. It’s worth discussing before you guys tie the knot.
Post # 3
Don’t settle. Don’t fall victim to the sunk-cost fallacy. You’re having second thoughts for some very valid reasons. Explore them before you make this commitment.
Post # 4
Don’t marry someone for the following reasons:
1) we’ve been through so much together
2) we’ve been together for x number of years
3) I don’t want to break his heart
4) I’m in so deep
Post # 5
Bee, what jumps out at me is that you’re not feeling heard by your fiancé.
Seeing the world vs starting a family right away—these are issues that a mature couple can negotiate through.
But, if you feel as if you’re sharing your concerns and he’s telling you to let it go and everything will be okay (how dismissive is that), all that’s missing is a pat on the head and some candy.
How is your communication in general?
Post # 6
Weddings should make you feel joyous and excited! I have 2 pieces of advice:
1) anxiety feels like excitement so just tell yourself when you’re starting to feel it that it’s actually excitement because you can retrain your thought and it works!
2) Only do things that you love and make you feel beautiful. If the dress isn’t 100% don’t get it, if the wedding is to much to plan make it I Tamara or elope! Do you boo!!
*comment moderated for self promotion *
Post # 7
Here’s the thing people don’t like to say: our parents’ generation got marriage wrong, and it has a huge cultural impact. With a 50% divorce rate, many people didn’t have an abundance of positive, happy marriages to witness. You can see it in the “bride dragging groom” cake toppers, the awful memes on Facebook, and the general idea that your freedom/life is over after marriage. Women are conditioned to want marriage, men to avoid it, and it’s understandable to have a little anxiety in the face of those pressures.
Here’s the thing…it sounds like, from your brief post, that your anxiety is on losing your freedom and sense of adventure. Marriage doesn’t have to be that way. If you do it right, marriage is full of adventure, and you never have to do it alone. It sounds like you and your Fiance have different visions of what marriage will look like, which is worrying. Talk to him, and see what compromise possibilities exist. Maybe y’all go on two big trips and run a marathon together before having kids. Maybe you only have one kid, so that you aren’t as tied down. There are a lot of middle grounds, if you want them.
Post # 9
I’m not sure your age but it does not sound like you are old enough to be getting married. And I mean that in the nicest way possible because I was in a very similar situation myself when I was 23ish (I’m only 27 now but boy does 4 years make a HUGE difference).
Personally I am of the belief that you should not get married if there are ANY doubts. I’m not talking about worrying that 20 years from now you both might drift apart and how sad it would be to get divorced. I mean if you are having doubts about your relationship as it is today, you should not get married.
When I was engaged to my now ex at 22-23ish, there were many times where I just thought I might never want kids, I wanted to travel and get settled in my career, go out with friends and just enjoy life without so many responsibilities. My fiance was ready to settle down, but he also was happy with giving me whatever life I wanted. Unfortunately, I started to build resentment in the situation. Maybe it was my guilt eating me, that it seemed unfair I didn’t have a clear direction in life yet and he did.
I experienced a LOT of life in only a few short years. We broke up, I dated around for a few years after before meeting my now husband. But in that time period I traveled out of the country several times, sometimes alone. I made a ton of friends and experiences I never would have had I stayed with my ex.
It’s so weird but in the last two years or so my mindset completely changed. I was ready to settle down. I adopted a kid and am now halfway through a pregnancy. I had ZERO doubts about getting married and having this lifestyle, and I’m excited to raise our children together, to travel together, and to grow together.
I honestly think you will feel this way one day too. If not about kids and family, I think you’ll find a more clear direction/purpose. I’m not saying you need to break up with your fiance, but I really suggest putting the wedding on hold until you are on the same page – because I have seen friends get divorces already in their 20s because they didn’t have the same vision when they got married and thought it would just work out. Your fiance might very well be the man you marry and enjoy the rest of your life, so if that’s true why the rush now?
Post # 10
There needs to be compromise, you 2 picked to be with each other knowing each has their own dreams, you can travel and then have a family in time but there needs to be communication surrounding that, if there is no compromise then I would think you both would be settling since you want opposite things. You don’t have to be on the same chapter but you should be in the same book if you’re going to marry someone.
Don’t settle, dont allow him to settle.
Post # 11
gcontreras : honestly you guys dont sound compatible at all.. wanting to explore and travel vs wanting a family are two TOTALLY different things.. like I could not imagine being in that spot before marrying someone
He is going to resent you for delaying family and if you give in to him youll resent him for wanting kids and likely resent your kids too for making you give up all that before you were ready to..
I personally think reason divorce rates are so high is because so many get married that simply never should have and your reasoning is one of those “6 years, growing together etc”
so? how is 6 years together possibly enough reason to commit to the next possibly 70…there needs to be alot mroe there for it to be a happy long marriage
Ill be honest that from your post I do not think you two should be getting married..you are on two different life paths and I think you would be happier on your own or at least putting wedding on hold until you figre things out.. as most people on here will tell you.. marriage doesnt solve anything and cancelling a wedding is a hell of alot easier and cheaper than a divorce.
Post # 12
Thank you everyone for the advice, a lot to reflect on. I truly do love my finace and he is the kindest man I have ever known. I feel that my anxiety has gotten me feeling a little manic over this whole situation. We did have a very long talk regarding all of my concerns. We found some common ground and I found out his fears as well. We both agreed in the end that taking our time to get married is best, so we can enjoy our engagement and to do the things we want to accomplish before that time. We also agreed on going on a couple of trips and buying a home before we think of having a child. His biggest concern was money and not being able to provide me with the things I wanted, him not being good enough. He is more than good enough, and I couldn’t imagine marrying anyone else. Everyone has thier ups and downs and society sometimes makes you go even crazier haha. But thank you for all of your advice and support! Truly means a lot (: