Post # 1
I currently an engaged to the perfect guy. I love him very much, but I make a LOT more money than he does (he is currently in med school with a TON of loans). I have always known he is sensitive to that and we were very ready to get married. This is where I think I messed up…I told him that I had a family ring he could use when I didnt. I ended up buying the ring myself. Should I confess to him? I dont want to hurt his feelings and I want to do the right thing for HIM, not myself or my own conscience.
Please advise ladies.
Thank you in advance!
Post # 2
Can the ring be returned? Starting a marriage based on lies is not good. Better to be honest, return that ring and then pick out a new ring together.
Post # 3
This is just a side question: will anyone in your family bring up the ring in conversation? Like your mom saying to your Boyfriend or Best Friend ‘Wow, what a beautiful ring. Where did you get it from.’ Or your husband mentioning to your family that he is ‘So glad that he was able to propose with the family heirloom’.
Obviously, it is bad either way, but it will be so much worse if he finds out from someone else. I would go along with PP advice. Return the ring, explain there was a mix-up and you don’t have the family heirloom, and start fresh together.
Post # 4
Yeah I wouldn’t want to start my marriage on a lie. I’d always be worrying about him mentioning something in front of family and then he would be humiliated in front of everyone. Come clean.
Post # 5
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
Yeah this was a very bad idea and will certainly come out as a lie. Come clean now.
Post # 6
I think you need to be honest with him and I think you should do premarital counseling because his insecurities about finances are going to remain an issue if you don’t deal with them. You should need to tip-toe around his fragile ego just because you make more money. This issue is deeper than just the ring.
Post # 7
- Wedding: February 2020 - Colorado
I agree, you should be honest. No need to start off marriage with any guilt.
Post # 8
There is nothing wrong with buying your own ring. There is definitely lots wrong with lying to someone you are about to spend the rest of your life with.
I’d sit him down, and tell him the truth.
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2019 - City, State
You are pretty deep in this lie! I’d come clean. Can you share a pic of the ring? I’m guessing it doesn’t look like an heirloom?
Post # 11
There’s nothing wrong with buying your own ring. But feeling like you have to lie to your FH because he can’t handle you making more money than him is an issue.
I have two friends that bought their own rings. They worked it out amongst themselves, once they got married it was all shared money anyways.
Post # 12
Can you tell him you got it for him? I proposed to my fiance after he proposed to me and got him a ring. He bought you a ring, and you bought him one. That is super cute.
Post # 13
Just come clean. If you’re spending your life together you need to be able to be honest about everything, even if someone messes up and has to admit it. You don’t want to perpetuate this lie or you wouldn’t be asking for advice. Trust your gut and tell him… explain your reason for doing it, apologize of course, and then address that you want to work on communicating better about finances without hurting feelings. You guys can grow from this if you end the lie now and make an effort to move past it productively.
Post # 14
Thank you all for the quick and great repsonses. I can’t return the ring, but am planning on having a dinner tomorrow to come clean. You have all made a great point and support my first thought which is to come clean.
Post # 15
yes you should fess up about your lie but he is being utterly ridiculous about his insecurity regarding income. He’s a student who will be entering a very well paid and respected profession. His financials are only temporary but I’d be concerned tying myself to someone for life that holds such antiquated views and is so sensitive about earning less than their partner. If he’s touchy about this now exactly what role does he expect you to play in your life in the future when he has the ‘important’ career? Have you discussed this. Will he expect you to take a back seat and pull away from your career to support his?
Seriously only asking this because you went to extreme lengths to lie to him as opposed to just say I want a certain type/level of ring and I’d like to purchase it. Are you always going to choose an action to protect everyone’s ego in this relationship? That sounds like hard work and you’ve gone an made a situation worse by now having to confess but at least it should give you a chance to have some honest conversation. OP, I’d take this opportunity to seriously examine the dynamics of your relationship because you chose to lie in a big way to get what you want and to protect his ego. You could have just worn a ring he could afford to buy or worked out something by way of a compromise for each of you instead you went down the deceptive route to get what you liked by way of ring and to avoid hurting egos and avoid having difficult conversations. That does not make a good foundations for a marriage and a lifetime together…