(Closed) Help I need advise on what to do been waiting over a year

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I would say quit bugging him about it. Lots of guys dont want to propose when they feel pressured to do so, they want to do it own their own terms. Guys can say they want to marry you but saying they do and actually proposing are two different things. It’s a big step for alot of guys that they don’t lightly at all.

I’ve gotten into it with my SO in the past a few times, usually after a wedding and usually after I’ve had a few toonie bar drinks (oops!) about marriage and etc. I can understand your feelings. It used to really depress me when another friend got engaged or I had to go to my 5th wedding of that year and answer everyone’s questions about “why aren’t you married, blah blah” it sucks. But you need to know that marriage isn’t a step you take lightly – it’s a lifelong commitment, well after the party has died down and your marriage certificate comes in. Some people commitment comes naturally to, some guys it takes a little longer, some men are scarred from their childhood and need more time… etc. And after 2 years, I wouldn’t be in a rush… or in a rush to get him to do it. Just take a breather, take a step back, focus on your life and see what happens.

Post # 4
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Try Mr. Bee’s plan. I think it will help you. I can’t link from my PlayBook, but search on the sidebar for it.

Post # 6
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Well you have two choices. You can live your life right now being upset and disappointed with him for not doing it or you can live your life and make yourself happy. It is not cool that he said he wanted to but to be fair to him, he never said WHEN. Do you want to kick and pout that he didn’t do it and enter into an engagement being unhappy? That’s how he is viewing it right now.. and why would he propose when his Girlfriend is clearly unhappy with him right now. I wouldn’t. he wants to propose to the girl he fell in love with.

Every relationship is different. Remember that. Some people date for 3 years but both of them are ready, some people date for 4, one is, one isnt ready till 5 years. You can compare relationships because every relationship is unique. I know it sucks to see other’s getting proposed to on your dream day or destination but you can’t let it bring you down. Get upset for the moment or the day and then get over it. Go for a walk, have a shot of tequila, go out for dinner. Let him do it on his terms. Pressure is never good.

Post # 8
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@lilymarie23:  You have good advice.

Did he say why he changed is mind about Disney? I think depending on that answer would direct my next move. Did he need more time, more money, just didnt want to etc.

You really don’t want to push someone into marriage, however at the same time you dont want to wait forever or for them to feel like “you have waited long enough, I guess this is the next step”. They have to want it too. Its a delicate balance and you have to figure out where yours is. And be honest with yourself no matter how hard it is.

Post # 10
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Iamlost:  Is that why he didnt propose at Disney? Another mind change?

Post # 13
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

He needs to quit telling people In My Humble Opinion and just keep it to himself, that way if he changes his mind, no feelings get hurt. Or your friends need to keep it to themselves. My SO and I are very close with our neighbors, the wife is my best friend but for all I know, my ring could be over at their house this very minute (I like to declutter alot.. no safe hiding spots in this house!) and I would have NO idea, because she would never, ever say anything. Even if I tried to get it out of her.

I would back off, #1 to ease the pressure off him and #2 to protect your own sanity.

Post # 14
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It sounds like (and correct me if Im wrong) you are bringing it up frequently and mentioning it whenever you were expecting it and it didn’t happen.  That very likely is the reason it hasn’t happened yet. 

Set yourself an internal timeline (DO NOT use it as an ultimatum with him), and focus on living and enjoying your life in the present, without bringing up marriage or proposals at all.

Girls tend to be their own worst enemies when it comes to this… I know its REALLY hard… but let it go for a little while and see what happens?

Post # 15
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Here’s the thing.  Saying “I want to marry you” is not the same thing as saying “I am ready to propose to you.”  And that applies on both sides.  There is nothing here that indicates he doesn’t want to marry you – only that he’s not certain when he wants to propose yet.

I think you need to stop setting deadlines, and tell him to do the same.  Nobody wants to feel like they have to propose because of a deadline.  And honestly, deadlines only set you up for disappointment – like at Disney.  (Which, By The Way, there are a million reasons why he might not have wanted to propose on that trip.  Friends present, too cliche, came up with a better idea, didn’t want to have to worry about traveling with the ring, didn’t want you to find the ring before he proposed…I could go on all day with legitimate reasons he could have changed his mind about doing it on that trip, none of which are anyone’s fault.)

Before Fiance proposed, I had a similar issue.  We’d been discussing marriage, and saying we wanted to marry each other for YEARS.  Then he told me he would propose by the end of 2010.  The problem was that for all of 2010 I was anxious and I would fret about it, and I would get upset over things I shouldn’t have been upset about, and I would convince myself it was going to happen at X time.  Eventually, we talked and I told him I wanted to forget the deadline.  I asked him when he saw us actually being married – not engaged, but married.  He gave me an answer I was comfortable with.  We both forgot the deadline, I stopped fretting, and the pressure was off of him.  He proposed 2 months after that conversation, in the best way possible for me.

So my advice would be to talk to him one, and only one, more time about this.  And it would be to agree not to put deadlines on it. Figuring out whether your timelines roughly match up in terms of marriage, kids, etc., is one thing.  It tells you that you are on the same page.  (As opposed to one of you being ready for marriage and the other never wanting to get married ever.)  But having an actual deadline (like we’ll get engaged by X date) is rarely helpful.  It stresses people out, just like it is stressing you out now.  So get rid of the deadline, get on the same page, and enjoy being together without pressure to get engaged.

Also – FWIW, Fiance and I were together 8 1/2 years before he proposed.  My sister got engaged 6 months later, to someone she had been with (then) for about 2 1/2 years.  Every relationship evolves differently – they really can’t be compared.

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